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I've been slapped and bitten and said nothing

(27 Posts)
Howtomoveforward Sun 28-Jun-09 18:25:23

Have obviously name changed for this. I need some help somehow and have been on the verge of tears all day. Apologies for what will probably be a long post...

Last night seemed to epitomise everything that is so wrong with my life and attitude towards relationships. I'm a lone parent, in my twenties and have never had any kind of 'normal relationship' in my life. By that I mean that I've had fuck buddies, had affairs with married men and women, had short-term relationships with wholly unsuitable people, had threesomes etc. But I've never had a monogamous, one-on-one relationship with anyone for more than a few months. It's something I've never somehow been able to achieve and the idea of a stable relationship is wholly elusive.

What I can do, however, is to fall into a familiar pattern of sexual behaviour with men. For the past ten or more years, I've followed a familiar pattern with men. I've only ever viewed them sexually - I made my first male friend just this year. I've always been explicit about my sex life and conversations with guys have revolved around my 'wild' antics. I feel it's a role that I'm used to playing and have no idea how to break free from this.

Last night was awful in so many ways. I met a guy that I'd been talking to online at a pub. DD was sleeping over at her friend's house. I'd already had several explicit conversations with this guy...talked about what kind of things I like sexually. He seemed fairly kinky which appealed to me. I'd emailed him a photo of myself having sex with a female friend which he appreciated.

So, met him at the pub. He's handsome, well educated, public school background. He's a doctor. I had a few drinks, we continued talking about things on a sexual theme. He told me how turned on I made him, something which basically boosts my ego. We then went back to my place. He'd told me he was dominant in bed. He took my clothes off, started ordering me around. He yanked my hair and told me to give him a blow job which I did. He hit me round the face a few times, not too hard. I said nothing. He then bit my cheek, hard. Asked me if I liked it. I asked if he could maybe not hit me so hard, which he was fine with. We then had sex, fooled around, the usual stuff. He went to sleep, I went downstairs and watched a DVD.

This morning we did some more stuff....then he said he had to leave to have lunch with a friend. I continued to play cool. Said fine. He kissed me goodbye and his parting words were 'lovely to meet you'. So, in all probablility, that's that and I won't hear from him again.

But....I feel so sad. I want to cry. I don't know how to relate to men in a 'normal' way. I'm good at playing the role of a kinky, quirky, crazy girl, but I don't want to go through life in this role. I'd like, one day, to have a husband, kids and a volvo. But that ideal seems to unattainable. I look at my friends who are in relationships and I cannot fathom how to attract a guy in a 'normal' way, let alone how to have a 'normal' relationship that doesn't involve orgies, drugs, infidelity and high drama.

I've had therapy. It raised some interesting issues but hasn't given me anything in terms of concrete plans I can take to move forwards. I've a history of self-harm (though I stopped several years ago), depression and no strong sense of self. I don't know how to move forward. I'm sitting here with my bruised and bitten cheek and neck...bright red scratches down my back and I feel so alone. In a warped, fucked-up way I even wish the guy would text show that maybe he liked me in some way? I take some consolation in that he seems as screwed up and lonely as me.

I come across as feisty and intelligent in real life. I'm a high achiever....but I cannot achieve what seems to be a fundamental part of human existence - a loving relationship with another person.

Can anyone help?

IkeaCatalogue Sun 28-Jun-09 18:27:16


I wish you could learn to love yourself

Dior Sun 28-Jun-09 18:30:27

Perhaps you should remove the sex element when you deal with men, and get to know them as people first. The sort of people you meet online and have email sex with are not going to be the ones who respect and love you.

You sound so desperate to be loved sad

brimfull Sun 28-Jun-09 18:30:50

Have you had an abusive past?

You maybe need some better counselling that actually helps you.

Any friends that you can talk to.

Howtomoveforward Sun 28-Jun-09 18:31:48

I wish I had some kind of inherent sense of self-worth but I seem to be lacking.

I'm also worried about the example that I'm setting DD. Obviously she doesn't know details, but has never seen me in any kind of normal or stable relationship.

squeaver Sun 28-Jun-09 18:33:19

What a sad post. Yes you do sound desperate to be loved and you basically have zero self-esteem, don't you?

I wonder if you could spend the next, say six months without any men in your life and just focus on yourself.

In other words, give yourself a break.

IkeaSnake Sun 28-Jun-09 18:34:07

Oh poo I know what you mean - and you kid yourself you are in control?

MrsMattie Sun 28-Jun-09 18:34:23

Sounds like you crave attention, and have found a piss easy way of getting it from men.

You need to ban sex - and sex talk - completely from your life for a while. If you talk explicitly about sex and show a man an explicit photo of yourself so soon, what do you expect will happen? I don't mean that to sound harsh, but you need to start thinking rationally. You get back what you put out to a large extent. If you are 'selling' yourself as a wild, sex crazed temptress, that is what people will treat you as.

Get back to basics. Good relationships are built on respect, trust and companionship. Concentrate on these things instead of sex and the thrill of the chase. Hopefully, you will find out that waiting it out a bit and letting the sexual tension build and build when you really like someone is far sexier than swinging from the chandeliers on the first night.

brimfull Sun 28-Jun-09 18:35:07

how about approaching a sexual addiction self help group

mrsruffallo Sun 28-Jun-09 18:38:23

Well, you need to stop what you are doing. It's been going on too long. Sometimes it takes a certain level of degradation to make you wake up to the fact that actually you are not alright with this and that things need to change.
You know what, just do it, Bring something fulfilling into your life-a hobby or pastime that involves meeting new people who aren't there for sexual reasons. Ban yourself from sex for a good while and just concentrate on treating yourself well.
You need to heal and love yourself.
How about a meditation retreat for a week or so?
Is there anyone that could have DD?

mrsruffallo Sun 28-Jun-09 18:39:11

MrsMattie- you haven't been around for ages!
Nice to see you

Howtomoveforward Sun 28-Jun-09 18:45:36

I though about the sex addiction thing but am not sure that I would necessary count as an addict. Before last night, I'd only had 2 sexual partners in the previous 30 months. One was a one-night stand whilst on holiday, the other was my fuck buddy that I'd see once every few months or so. But, I can relate to using sex as a prop, to give myself an ego boost (albeit for a limited period) and then feeling worse after.

I've also done the "no sex for x many months" thing to try and find a lasting relationship. I've been without sex for over a year before. But it still hasn't seemed to help long term. It seems that whether or not I'm having sex with people or not, I still can't fathom how to develop a normal relationship or talk to people without bringing my sex life into it.

The retreat thing sounds like a good idea.

mrsboogie Sun 28-Jun-09 19:01:52

God. Do you enjoy the sex or is it purely a means of getting attention? It sounds horrible to be honest.

"I still can't fathom how to develop a normal relationship or talk to people without bringing my sex life into it." You are sending out the wrong sort of signals to the wrong sort of men. Do you feel you have nothing else to offer? You give the game away when you say you wanted the pervy doctor guy to text you. It will not have entered his head because of how you come across.

Maybe you could drop the online chatting for now as it is so easy to get into the sex chat with these blokes.

I don't think your problem is sex - that's just the symptom of low self esteem and you have fallen into a pattern of the girl who acts all slutty to get the boys' attention because she is insecure. You really need to work on your self esteem first and foremost and get yourself into some scenarios that do not revolve around sex. Forget sex and forget men. Think about you. Visualise what you want and how you might go about getting it.

Disenchanted3 Sun 28-Jun-09 19:03:53

Gosh how sad

I have no advice but I am sure that you are worth so much more.

In your post you come across as an articulate and intelligent young woman. I hope you learn to appreciate yourself as such.

madameovary Sun 28-Jun-09 19:09:09

You know there is something not right about your behaviour and that is good.
YOu remind me of me in my twenties. I wasnt interested in threesomes or kinky sex but I did seem to end up in situations that did nothing for my self worth.
I am now 39 and have just got out of a hideous abusive relationship.
Please, please dont do what I did, have relationship after relationship looking for a father figure and then fall for the first supposedly decent bloke that came along because I couldn't spot the warning signs.

Please take a break from men, concentrate on your DD, do some work on yourself and build up your boundaries and self esteem because without these you will continue to attract men who are bad for you.

crokky Sun 28-Jun-09 19:11:23

I think that you should not look for men for the moment. It would be best if you concentrated on yourself and DD. You could do stuff where you met new people, but at first just to find friends. Things might turn out better for you if you were friends with a man before embarking on anything sexual. I would say that is how to attract men in a 'normal' way. Either that or getting set up with a friend of a friend (ie they have been 'vetted')!

Meeting men online is probably not a great idea for you given how things have gone with it up 'til now. Emailing this public school doctor bloke explicit photos signalled to him that you would be up for some kinky fun - not meeting his mum!!!

Tortington Sun 28-Jun-09 19:17:45

i think this is down to self respect.

i think it is very disrespectful to yourself - when, you admit you are unhappy with the situation and recognise it - to send a giy a sexual picture of yourself

if you had a partner and a volvo - would you want his respect?

do you think the type of guy to give it to you - is they guy you e-mail kinky photos to and have sex with - on the same night.

i mean, as intelligent as you are - you seem to be missing the obvious, becuase the young doctor wasn't after your brains was he?

start out as you mean to go on. - talk to guys and forge a relationship via standard communication before embarking on a sexual encounter - and then, you will see quite quickly - those who think you amount to 'just' a good fuck - and those who want to be around you for your other qualities.

mrsboogie Sun 28-Jun-09 19:29:19

You must find or cultivate interests that give you something else to talk about other than the old fall back of sex. It can be anything - it sounds cliched but a hobby or a class or a new interest. You will meet people and have a common interest. Sex should not have to come into it. You may not find your volvo man there but you will learn how to behave like other people do - and so get yourself out of this hideous pattern of behaviour.

Howtomoveforward Sun 28-Jun-09 19:54:30

I guess that I doubt whether I have any other 'qualities', so to speak. Also, I think that my sexuality has become almost an inherent part of my personality. The two seem to be linked.

As hopeless and miserable as it is, I also feel an element of security in my pattern of behaviour. I know how to behave when I'm having sex with some stranger. I know what to do, what not to do and how to do it. I can be subservient, do as I'm told, keep my guard up and go through the motions. Sometimes I enjoy the sex, other times I don't.

I don't know how to relate to guys in any other way than in the behaviour I've always done. I suppose I thought that I'd meet "The One" and everything would fall into place somehow. But this hasn't happened and I realise my behaviour is becoming more and more entrenched.

SolidGoldBrass Sun 28-Jun-09 20:07:09

HTMF: something that you should consider for a moment is that heteromonogamy - the 'stable couple relationship' is really overrated. It's perfectly all right not to engage in longterm couplehood. Because it is pushed so hard at people, many people engage in it when it isn't really suitable for them, and make themselves and others utterly miserable. No one needs a couple-partner to be validated as a human being. And having lighthearted recreational sex with other consenting adults doesn;t make you a bad person.
However, when your life is making you unhappy it is worth looking at what might be wrong. And I will tell you this, whatever might be 'wrong' in your life, having A Partner and leaping into heteromonogamy won't fix it.
How do you relate to other people you are not going to have sex with ie work colleagues, relatives, friends? If you have good relationships with these and family members, maybe work on those for a while. Think about all the things that interest and excite you and spend some time on those (art, craft, films, sport,s whatever). As for sex, keep it to established fuckbuddies who you know are nice human beings who wish you well for the time being.

charlot Sun 28-Jun-09 20:17:03

don't tell the next person u meet about what you've been up to as a naughty girl. talk about things only that make you laugh and don't be so available. never give it all away the first few times. leave some to the imagination and most importantly.....always leave them wanting more!! if your as good in the sack as you say you are, tease them a little, make them want to see u again. don't give it all to the next until he's really gagging for it. come on lass we are the real players of the species.
keep you chin up though, you sound a bit down, and look after yourself when meeting up with people... men or women. take care

DiamondHead Sun 28-Jun-09 20:44:17

Bill Bailey had a kid called Dax, because he loves Star Trek.
I kind of like it, people are happy to name their kids after characters in books, why not tv/films.

DiamondHead Sun 28-Jun-09 20:44:55

Sorry wrong thread. Don't know how that happened.

BonsoirAnna Sun 28-Jun-09 20:50:02

Your post is so very sad.

If you want a husband, kids and a volvo, you need to start behaving in the kind of way that attracts men who want a wife, kids and a volvo. And that won't by being kinky and unstable.

Why don't you take a good, hard look at the kind of families you like the look of, and start modelling the way you live your life with your DD on them? Where do those families go at the weekend? What do they do? Where does that kind of man go when he is single? How does that kind of woman dress?

knockedgymnast Sun 28-Jun-09 20:53:18

It's not about the sex. It's not even about the fact that you like sex. You think that this is the only way to attract a man..and in most cases, you would be right.

Thing is, you gave the impression that you were footloose and fancy free.... the picture of you having sex, the lewd talk. Most people (men and women) would see that you were just after some slap and tickle and nothing meaningful.

The only way this can change is if you change the bait. It's irrelevant that the man you met was a doctor etc, so what? He still has sexual urges.

Learn to love yourself, learn to accept yourself. All you are offering is sex and when that's gone, why would any man hang around?

Good luck

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