Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is this weird?

(39 Posts)
BottySpottom Sat 27-Jun-09 13:14:31

A so called 'friend' is a bit peculiar around my DH.

She divorced last year and I think came out of an abusive relationship. She has one child but would have liked more. My DH is quite a caring sort of chap and quite amiable generally, and I am getting increasingly spooked by her behaviour around him.

When he is around she talks a lot to him and seems to get on with him well. No problem there. However, yesterday we were at an event and once he had arrived (late), chatted to us and then gone off to get food, she became quite strange with me - quite distracted and non-communicative, having been fine prior to that. She has in the past been so friendly that when we went as a group to see a show, he had to turn his back on her (sitting round circular table) to get her to shut up so he could watch show. She is often making comments about how tired he looks 'poor My Bottyspottom looks so tired'. 'Poor Mr Bottyspottom travels so much he must be exhausted type stuff'. As it happens Mr Bottyspottom has for the last year had several nights away each week in a lovely hotel with nice food brought to him, meals in local restaurants and gentle swimming before supper. Meanwhile I had a new baby and two others and was getting b*gger all sleep. Yesterday she leapt up when he arrived and rushed to get him a drink.

Part of me thinks I am being paranoid and part of me (the bigger part, actually), thinks 'piss off and let me nurture my own husband please'.

Thankfully she is not a good friend, but is one a a little group I have recently been part of.

What would you do? I trust DH and I also think that if he was going to be unfaithful to me, it wouldn't be with her (he doesn't like some of her traits).

Devendra Sat 27-Jun-09 13:19:15

Yup she fancies him.. follow your instincts and say things to her like "he is such a lovely husband.. we are really happy.. he is a great shag..blah blah blah" just to piss her off a little!

BottySpottom Sat 27-Jun-09 13:21:01

Do you think so? My heart sank when I read that. Fuck.

twinklesky Sat 27-Jun-09 13:26:34

She is probably just jealous - it sounds like you have a great relationshi and a loving husband. It's easy for someone without that to be envious - and her envy would be directed at your rather than him. I agree with Devendra - make sure she knows you are happy together but want her as a friend.

BottySpottom Sat 27-Jun-09 13:28:47

I am quite sad about this as I am a shy person and have recently become part of this little group of people. In fact, she was the one that started instigating social things for us to go to. Mmmm, wonder why shock.

I have noticed before that she has been friendly and then suddenly very cold once she found a man. Now she and said man have finished, she has become friendly again.

In the past I trusted my judgement and was black and white about people - ie. would simply avoid if I had my suspicions. Now, with children, it is so much harder as you have to protect their frienship groups by not falling out with their friends' parents!

BottySpottom Sat 27-Jun-09 13:30:13

I don't want her as a friend Twinklesky if she is after my DH Devendra! Her envy isn't directed at me though is it? it's him that she is all over.

PM73 Sat 27-Jun-09 14:05:09

She is sending out signals that she fancies your life & dh.

I think she is a teeny bit jealous of you & like devendra says i would keep going on how happy you are & how devoted you are to each other just to piss her off.

Good luck

BottySpottom Sat 27-Jun-09 14:14:34

Thanks PM. Hopefully she will start sniffing around after one of the other dads soon.

bronze Sat 27-Jun-09 14:23:01

I don't think she necessarily wants you dh. Well she thinks she does bu what she actually wants id what you have (loveing husband etc)
I think going on about how happy you are would be a bit cruel to be honest. I'm sure that it'll soon wear off as your dh is making it obvious hes not interested. Maybe you should actually be feeling sorry for her

Tinker Sat 27-Jun-09 14:23:02

But fancying him doesn't mean she's after him. I mean, she might be but not necessarily. You can't avoid people just because they fancy your husband. If they start becoming predatory you'd have to re-think. But we all fancy/are fancied by people other than our partners sometimes. It's life.

Tinker Sat 27-Jun-09 14:23:52

Agree that stating you're really happy would be quite nasty and childish.

BitOfFun Sat 27-Jun-09 14:32:11

If it's really irritating you, you should say something, maybe lightly, like "Ooh, you do seem to have a bit of a crush on my husband! I think I should be the one to get his drinks, don't you? << tinkly laugh >> So, tell me, how's your love life? Did anything cme of that internet dating thing?"

That kind of thing. With a big smile plastered on your face and a glint in your eye.

That's what Alpha females would do in a Jackie Collins novel anyway.

BottySpottom Sat 27-Jun-09 14:40:39

There is something a bit predatory about her Tinker. Hard to put into print, but 'tis very strange.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Sat 27-Jun-09 15:02:56

"What would you do? I trust DH and I also think that if he was going to be unfaithful to me, it wouldn't be with her (he doesn't like some of her traits). " Are you saying that you are lucky he doesn;t fancy her?

Shes not a good friend? Answers simple!

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sat 27-Jun-09 15:33:14

It is weird because it bothers you.

Do you talk to your DH about her? Does her behaviour annoy him or does he enjoy the attention?

It sounds like she is definitely NOT a friend and is trying to undermind you.

cherryblossoms Sat 27-Jun-09 15:42:01

Oddly enough, one of the things that would annoy me about that isn't so much the fancying bit. The thing that would get me is that a woman is constantly implying to my dh that he has a hard time, a bad deal, out of the relationship with me.

All the running around, geisha stuff implies, slightly, that your dh is having to work too hard in your relationship and that you are a Queen of Sheba type, lying around whilst he scurries hither and thither, working his little socks off - poor mite.

That is really, really annoying - and can have a quite insidious effect. Do you end up doing more nurturing after one of her weird "nurturing" performances?

I have to say, I'd probably have a little word with my dh to make sure he wasn't getting ideas about his exploited status. And I might have an "abstract" conversation with the friend about unsisterly Stepford Wife behaviour - and point out that men, actually, do not find that shagtastic.

BottySpottom Sat 27-Jun-09 16:31:07

Interesting Cherryblossoms - DH does do quite a lot in the house these days and I do worry about it. We have had some tough times over the last couple of years due to one thing and another but have really pulled together and come out stronger. I think she may have picked up on the bad times. Plus her best friends lives v close and has probably heard me yelling him and my previous post nanal fug.

Yes, I do talk about it a lot. He is quite cross with me actually becuase I won't let it drop right now. He has done his best to reassure me.

No, I don't do any more nurturing after an episode. I am all nurtured out with 3 energetic children to nurture and he didn't marry me for my nurturing qualities (I don't really 'do' nurturing with adults well).

I left them chatting yesterday in a defiant 'fuck you - get on with it if you want, I've got bigger things to think about' stance yesterday. I'm damned if I will be intimidated by her sleazy behaviour!

BottySpottom Sat 27-Jun-09 16:33:42

Imaynotbeperfect - I suppose I am lucky he wouldn't go for her type, because though I trust DH, it would make it less pallatable.

PM73 Sat 27-Jun-09 16:34:19

I agree with cherry blossoms,she is being cruel to you by implying that your dh has a hard time.

I would have no qualms in saying how great life is to her,just the once will be all thats needed probably.If she insists on carrying on her comments etc i would have a quiet word in her shell like.

I dont think you have anything to worry about with your dh.

RumourOfAHurricane Sat 27-Jun-09 16:39:55

Message withdrawn

silkcushion Sat 27-Jun-09 16:49:00

sorry Botty but it does soud like she fancies him (or the idea of him)

Agree with Cherry that it would piss me off no end at her suggesting he has a hard life with you.

However (trying to be charitable here) the first year or so after divorce is very difficult and everyone I know who's gone through it has temporarily acted like a twat in one way or another (myself included).

You say yr dh is a nice man and she is probably craving what she thinks you have (support, love etc) It doesn't mean she'll throw herself at him and hopefully she'll come to her senses with a few gentle hints or you could tell her to feck off and leave him alone wink

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sat 27-Jun-09 17:01:17

She could be jealous
She could be insecure
She could be wanting to get into his pants
Who knows
Why not ask her why she fussies over your husband?

BottySpottom Sat 27-Jun-09 17:12:59

It's a year and a half now Silkcushion - is that still excusable? grin

Hi Shineon. Yes I do have to socialise really as she is part of the group I socialise with. I suppose I could not go out though ... How are you though? Any more p p p pppeculiar man scrapes you are in currently? grin

mrsmerryweather Sat 27-Jun-09 17:17:24

She's jealous of you. She's a flirt.

I would talk to your DH nad ask him to be really attentive to you in her company- lots of attention and eye gazing should get the message over to her. he might also stone wall her now and then, and dash off to talk to someone else if she nabs him.

I wouldn't confront her- much more subtle and wily ways to get the messge across- it's as much your DH's problem as yours- so let him make some changes to his behaviour.

cherryblossoms Sat 27-Jun-09 17:20:29

I'm not sure you should worry about him doing stuff at home. Of course, I don't know how much he does, but ... it would have to be a great deal, and done for bad/sad reasons, before I started worrying.

You're both setting your kids a good role model if they see that dads do stuff at home too. And setting a bar for others around you, too. And it frees you up to be a good mother and a person.

Yes, make it clear you recognise and appreciate his input, encourage him but no, I suspect you don't need to feel bad.

Don't let bonkers friend upset you. It sounds like it is getting under your skin and rocking your little love-boat, so perhaps time to, at the very least, put a little water between you and this behaviour.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: