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So should I get rid of him?

(12 Posts)
jennieflower Sat 27-Jun-09 11:27:06

We've been together for ten years and have 2 DC, one aged 6 and the other 9 months, my partner was unfaithful to me 7 years ago. He never admitted to it but there was loads of evidence. At the same time I found out I was pregnant, so it sort of got brushed under the carpet. He promised me he'd never have contact with the OW again.

Fast forward 7 years, he had a night out with his workmates recently, I know the OW was in the pub at the same time as him but thought I could trust him to keep his promise. I was checking my emails a few days ago and found she'd sent him a facebook request saying "I dare you to add me!!!!!!" I immediately called and told him, he said we should delete and ignore it but I was suspicious, after all why would she do this after all these years?

So that evening I went into his facebook account and replied to her as if it was from him, telling her to back off as it caused so much hurt the last time. She immediately replied saying that I would be even more upset if I knew what he'd been saying to her in the pub two weeks ago!

This is the latest in a long line of infidelities, my self esteem is at rock bottom, I've put on a fair bit of weight and generally feel really shit about myself. He knows this but has recently discovered facebook, I also recently found out he had been having 2 hour long chats with an old female friend from school, who just happens to have a daughter in the same class at school as ours. I challenged him about this and he says I'm being paranoid.

I checked his facebook account and saw he sent a message to another girl recently asking her if he could take her out for a drink sometime. Of course he said it's all innocent and I'm being paranoid but even if it was innocent I think it's disrespectful to me.

So what do you all think? I can't stand being made to feel like I'm going mad but the alternative is that I will have to bring up our children by myself which would break their hearts. I'll probably lose our home as well which means my daughter will have to change schools and It's likely I'll have to quit my job as well. It's all such a mess.

sparkybint Sat 27-Jun-09 11:52:00

I think you're seeing things in black and white and need to step back and try and evaluate what might be happening. BUT, to me it seems totally inappropriate that someone in a committed relationship with kids should be having "relationships" of this sort with other women, both off facebook and on. But he's done this sort of thing before, has he not?

No wonder your self-esteem is at rock bottom but you musn't confuse this with putting up with disrespectful and downright horrid treatment from your partner. He shouldn't be communicating with other women in this way, he's not a testosterone-fuelled teenager with no responsibilities! It's not innocent, it's totally unacceptable. So you're not going mad but are questionning your own judgement and that's not good (have been there myself).

You need to tell him calmly but firmly that this type of behaviour is unacceptable in what is effectively a marriage (I assume you're not married) and that you're not prepared to tolerate it any longer. Try not to get emotional and just be straightforward - if you do get emotional he'll just use it against you. Then see what he does. If his behaviour doesn't change you may well have to consider separation but don't dwell too much at this stage on how it's going to effect the kids. They will be upset in the short term but long-term it can be OK and more than OK. I know, as do many others on here. My DD of 9 is very happy after me and her dad split just over two years ago. But you do need to be strong and try not to doubt yourself.

jennieflower Sat 27-Jun-09 14:02:14

I feel like such a fool, as if everyone else knows he's up to no good but I just put up with it for the sake of our family.

My heart is telling me that this is the end, I need to make a stand for the sake of my sanity. He's never going to tell me the truth about what he's doing or why he's doing it. He'll just keep on lying in the hope it will all go away.

Keeping our family together is so important to me, my parents divorced when I was 8 and I remember my childhood with such sadness.

I can't see how we can seperate financially, we struggle now, there's no way he can move out and live on his own and support us as well.

Schnullerbacke Sat 27-Jun-09 20:02:34


Kimi Sat 27-Jun-09 20:16:42

He is a twat and facebook is evil.

Tell him to delete his account at once

mrsmerryweather Sat 27-Jun-09 20:22:02

""I was checking my emails a few days ago and found she'd sent him a facebook request""

do you share email accounts or did you get into his email?

One thing that strikes me is he is not covering his tracks- does he want you to find out?

Is he unhappy and is this his way of saying he wants to end your marriage?

You say he was unfaithful 7 years back and that this epsiode is the latest in a "long line of infidelities". what does that mean? Has he had other affairs?

You need to decide what you are willing to accept. Some women will turn a blind eye to affairs in the hope they will blow themselves out- and they value the security of the family home above making a fuss. I am not saying this is right or that you should do that, but it is one appraoch.

If you have made it clear that you expect mongamy, and he is unwilling to comply, then you have to ask if he really loves you and if you reallylove him- and want to be with him- changing schools is an upset but it's not the end of the world and you need to put your own happiness first.

jennieflower Sat 27-Jun-09 22:46:50

We have one of those joint email addresses with Orange so even though we have different email addresses, if I log into ny webmail it brings up both of our emails.

I'm not sure if he's ever slept with anyone else but he's had a few secret relationships via text with different women.

I've definitely made it clear that I expect monogamy, he just doesnt seem capable of giving me it.

jennieflower Sat 27-Jun-09 22:49:58

Oh Kimi, he's promised to delete his facebook and says that he has done so but apparently it takes 2 weeks to deactivate? He commented on a mutual friends status earlier tonight.

feelingpositivemum Sun 28-Jun-09 08:05:16

I'm sorry but I deactivated my facebook account yesterday and it took 2 minutes. You can also reactivate it just by putting in your username and password again so it's not permanent.

jennieflower Sun 28-Jun-09 09:17:01

Well I've given him the elbow. He's working away for the next 4 days anyway so I've asked him to go and stay with his parents after that.

I feel like shit, and can't see a way forward from this. I can't stop crying. Why on earth did I chose him to be the father of my children?

sunfleurs Sun 28-Jun-09 09:20:58

I would get rid of him.

My exH started like this, texts to his mates girlfriend shock, then calls to sex lines, visits to lap dancing clubs, then I found phone numbers in his pocket, then text messages to random girls, finally culminating in confessions of pretty much near constant infidelity over the 8 years we were together.

Your partner is even lying about his facebook account and the time it takes to deactivate so he clearly has no intention of stopping his behaviours.

sunfleurs Sun 28-Jun-09 09:24:22

Sorry didnt see your post. You chose him to be the father of your children because he probably didn't display any of these behaviours at the crucial time, these men rarely do otherwise we would all be running screaming for the hills.

It is nothing to do with you, you didn't do anything wrong. Ime men are either like this or they aren't there is rarely anything you could have done to make someone like this. They either have a healthy, respectful attitude towards their wives/partners or they don't and is usually stuff that happened long before they met you.

There is a way forward. I have been where you are now. I know now is not the time but if you need any practical advice please just ask. Go easy on yourself over the next few days. Are there friends or family you could spend time with?

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