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Is it ok to split up just because I don't love my dh?

(6 Posts)
omond Sat 27-Jun-09 07:35:49

My dh is a lovely man who adores me and our two dds. However we have very very different interests, we got tohgethr in a whirlwind romance and now, a few years down the line, although I like him in some ways I feel we are incompatible. I can't bear the thought of being physical with him, even cuddling let alone anything else, but feel that splitting up our family just because my feelings are as they are is selfish. He knows there is a problem and we are trying to work at it but other than the usual trying to spend more quality time together etc etc I don't know what I can do. We have a 2yo and a baby. We have tried councilling (rubbish imo). I just don't love him.

sayithowitis Sat 27-Jun-09 11:06:05

Do you really not love him or are you too tired with looking after the DCs? Sometimes it takes a long while after a baby to get the intimacy back/right again. Maybe you have grown up a bit and need to rediscover each other? Is there any chance you could get away or a childfree night? Not for rampant sex ( though if it happens - great!), but to begin to get to know each other as a couple not parents? Treat it like a new courtship. Woo each other.
If you really don't love him, no, it would not be selfish to 'split up', but do make sure first as it would be terrible if this was because of PND or something that is treatable and you then discovered you had made a mistake that might be difficult to put right.


omond Sat 27-Jun-09 15:18:06

Thank you so much for your reply. Deep down I think I don't love him but am so terrified of making a mistake - have been feeling like this for over 2 years. We have agreed to try to put aside one evening a week for each other and I think we're going to set a time limit on how much longer we can give.
Thanks for being understanding though, I feel like such a horrible person sometimes!

sayithowitis Sat 27-Jun-09 15:30:26

I really wonder whether this started whilst you were pregnant with DC1? A baby is such a big change in a relationship. We had been together 10 years, six married, before our DC1 came along and even after all that time together, the changes were enormous. Suddenly we both had a new role, that of parent, to take on. It is a cliche but it really is the most difficult job in the world and its one where there is virtually no training until the baby is there, in your arms. Sometimes it is so hard to make the adjustments and so easy to let everything begin to revolve completely around the baby/children, that it is just too easy to forget to work on the loving relationship with your partner. It happened to us. But thankfully we realised it and got it sorted. It isn't easy, but IME, it is worth it. We were different because our Dcs were older when we realised what was happening, but you sound as though you could really do with someone to help with the DCs for a day or two, to give you time as a couple. Also, make sure that your DH helps you aound the house and with DCs so that you are not always shatered. That makes a really big difference to your outlook.
I really, really, hope that things work out for you all, whatever the end result.

hambler Sat 27-Jun-09 15:38:11

omond this is a very common situation which is not often discussed. Few are as brave as you to even consider splitting up.
I am afraid I have no wise words except that when your children are tiny , tiredness really takes over and it is not the best time to make life changing decisions.

Post again during office hours on Monday as you may not get a big response at the weekend

flooredandgored Sat 27-Jun-09 23:29:01

i had to post on this thread, but i have name changed...

omond i could have wrirtten your post. i have been married 5 years and we have 2 dc, 2.5yr and 10m, and i feel a mixture of emotions, leaving my stomach churning.

i love my dcs dearly, and am stretching my mat leave so currently i do all the childcare and have the dcs dealt with when dh gets in from work, therefore this provides the worst factor in these scenarios, which is tiredness: sheer, dogged tiredness. i don't know whether this tiredness and lack of timne for myself means i have in turn become almostt hyper crityical of what is consuming my time `(strangely, or not strangely, this doesn't involve the dcs) and as my days is seeing dh before he goes to work, dealing with dcs, then dh home, dh bears the brunt of this: cxonsequently the most stupid simple things can infuriate me and feelike they are wearing me down, all i sense is either a condescending know it all attitude from dh or a strained silence, in turn causing me to be snapping at him or almost silent because some days i can't face talking.

i crave time where i literally have nothing to do or no one to entertain and find irt frustrating that i seem to be losing any sense of self, i am xxx wife and xxx mum i=but i can't find me.

yet i know dh loves me dearly and i think i love him but i am so worried by this feeling of relentless lack of positive emotion in me. it woulod not take much in any normal conversation with dh for me to be able to start crying, and i know a marriage should not feel so exhausting. i can't seem to summon up the passion and fire for intimacy that dh is trying patiently to encourage

i wouldn't want to leave dh. but i am so worried thta i am a drain on dh's emotyions and he won't want to be with me.

part of me thinks we should turf dcs ot fr a night to someones house but then what? a night in where all i would want to do is go see my friends r go with a book into the garden?

i want this to be a temporary phase, but i get the feeling dh is exasperated with me. i don't want to say ' i don't love you' as that isn't true but i am going through a lull of some sort towards dh and it is upsetting me that i can't sort it out.

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