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Unfaithful wife, feeling sad

(26 Posts)
Coleslob Fri 26-Jun-09 20:28:32

Namechanger, naturally.

I cheated on my husband with a friend of ours about six months ago; I confessed of my own accord and I no longer see the other man. My husband and I have just finished three months of marriage counselling and I think our relationship is in the best shape its ever been. During the counselling I tried to keep the focus on the pre-existing problems that my DH and I were having - nothing dramatic, just his drinking, our money worries, mutual boredom, etc. He's a great person and a great father.

But looking back on everything now, and reading the diary I was keeping during the affair, I see that I really did fall in love with the other man, big time, and he with me. Having come so close to destroying my marriage, I decided a long time ago that DH was worth fighting for, and I think that's why the counselling went so well.

But I'm now feeling incredibly sad over the fact that I've lost a real, amazingly powerful love, one entirely different from DH's love for me.

I suppose the thing that I'm looking for is for other women who've relinquished their lovers, to tell me that sticking with the good, kind, dependable, loveable husband is the right thing to do...and that the pain of losing the electrifying lover will lessen in time.

sweetfall Fri 26-Jun-09 20:30:30

so, you are looking for sympathy? for an affair?

interesting concept

what do marriage vows mean to you? anything? or was it just a nice day in a nice dress?

MakemineaGandT Fri 26-Jun-09 20:32:50

sweetfall - that was nasty and unnecessary

Coleslob - I felt sad when I read your post too. Good on you for saving your marriage and good on your DH for standing by you. Don't get carried away with the fantasy of love for your OM - what would the reality of daily life be with him? Probably much the same as with any man. Your love for each other wasn't the real lifelong kind

MsSpentYouth Fri 26-Jun-09 20:37:45

That was a bit harsh sweetfall.

the op did wrong but she knows that, now she has to cope with the emotional side to it

OP, destroy that diary, if it makes you feel like that you don't want to read it.

I am sorry you feel like this, but you probably wot have written down the bad bits, and it would have had a romantic spin on it when you wrote it.

your DH is dependable, kind and loveable, as you said, that is enough xx

The grass isnt greener on the other side x

plimple Fri 26-Jun-09 20:38:33

Go back to the diary you kept when you first fell in love with your husband.
Start writing all the lovely things you and DH do for each other/together and if there's not a lot to write at the moment, sort that out.
I'm not another woman who has relinquished a lover as I have lived with mine for 5 years and wouldn't be unfaithful even though we aren't married.

Coleslob Fri 26-Jun-09 20:41:01

Thanks GandT, for trying to understand. Daily life with him would have been a hell-hole! For all sorts of reasons. He's damaged goods, the one person who knows the whole story nearly fainted clean away when I told her...he's a very unlikely candidate to fall in love with so dangerously. I do know that, and it's why I'm choosing my marriage.

But, but, but...I don't want sympathy, I hope I won't be judged, I just want to hear from someone who's survived the "relinquishing" and lived to tell the tale. The "real lifelong kind" is the best way to describe my DH's love for me, but it was really something, to be swept away by another, intenser, kind of love

ThePhantomPlopper Fri 26-Jun-09 20:41:01

Not helpful Sweetfall.

OP destroy the diary and concentrate on the future with your DH.

The pain will lessen but you need to cut all ties, inc the diary with this other man.

ThePhantomPlopper Fri 26-Jun-09 20:41:05

Not helpful Sweetfall.

OP destroy the diary and concentrate on the future with your DH.

The pain will lessen but you need to cut all ties, inc the diary with this other man.

Devendra Fri 26-Jun-09 20:41:14

Well you know people fall out of love even when they are married.. It happens all the time. Maybe you have made the wrong choice.. is it too late to go back to the other man.. if it was as powerful and real as you say then maybe its worth going for.. life is way too short to live with regrets and maybes. It sounds like you have done a lot of work on you and your relationship in the councelling.. and you have come to a conclusion!!!

Coleslob Fri 26-Jun-09 20:47:14

You're all right - every other tie was cut a long time ago, and his numbers deleted from my phone. But I am still attached to the diary. (I've only re-read it for the first time today) It does include the bad bits, by the way, because I started writing it in an effort to gain clarity about what the hell I was doing. So it's all very reasoned, right up to the end, when I ended it with him, sort of counselling myself through the process by writing it all down. Maybe its time the diary went. Thank you for pointing out the bleeding obvious, sigh, sigh, sigh. Thanks.

myredcardigan Fri 26-Jun-09 20:50:06

Leave sweetfall alone. She has just as much right to express her opinion as those sympathising with the OP.

OP, did you really lose an amazing love or just amazing sex? Had you made another choice, 2yrs down the line would you be sat feeling sad for the loving and respectful relationship you threw away for the sex life that has now (2yrs down the line) dwindled?

I have no idea how you really feel but I think you made the right choice for all the right reasons. Perhaps now that you have done so well working on the emotional side of your relationship with your DH it is time to work on your sex life.

Coleslob Fri 26-Jun-09 20:50:23

Oh, Devendra! I guess I needed a devil's advocate to tell me to chuck my marriage and run off with the sexy basket-case lover. Well, applying the best Child Psychology reasoning, I hereby declare that I do not intend to do that. Hubby wins. Over and out.

MakemineaGandT Fri 26-Jun-09 20:52:33

coleslob - another thought - it is ok to reserve a little corner of your heart for your OM you know [cheesy emoticon grin)- as long as it remains in your memory. I will always have a soft spot for a particular ex of mine - doesn't mean I would want to be with him though, or that I love my DH any less......just that he meant a lot to me and had a huge impact on my life and I love him for that. That's ok. Even my DH understands that

Coleslob Fri 26-Jun-09 20:55:01

Thanks everyone. A lot of wise words. One thing about the affair which was quite confusing was that the sex was not great. I think we were both too scared and guilty, and in a hurry (lol). But our connection seemed intense despite that hitch. And sex with DH is and always has been good. But that's probably not the point at all. Is it?

SoupDragon Fri 26-Jun-09 20:56:21

You weren't swept away by anther intenser kind of live, you were swept away by something new and fresh.

Love changes with time, the intensity of the first throes can not last, they deepen and change. If only more people remembered that.

meme2 Fri 26-Jun-09 20:59:37

I believe it is possible to love 2 people- but you can only live with one.

You made your choice for whatever reasons you had at the time. If you were in that place again, would you do anything differenetly?

I still love my ex-fiance, who dumped me thirty years ago, then came back and who was the other man at one point in my marriage. We talk occasionally as friends - he lives a long way away- but have been very frank about not upsetting each other's apple carts - again.

I can't say I have every got over him, but I have learned to live without him and try daily to see my Dh's good points.

Coleslob Fri 26-Jun-09 21:02:02

Thanks meme2. And everyone. This is the frankest I've ever been on MN and I'm glad I was... you've (mostly) been very kind and sensible. Cheerio.

wendall Sat 27-Jun-09 02:36:39

am in the strange situation.I suspected last year during our 6 month stay in a warmer climate.However,I wasn't 100%.Last year I happened to mention that my husband stared a lot over to the balcony that our young neighbour sat on.He started including her in to our conversations.At first I know he meant well.I have to say he enjoys speaking to people and loves kids. Her husband runs a bar and is out from mid-day until 3am.She must be lonely living like that.She hardly ever goes out and lives a prison or zoo like exsistance.She's attractive & has 3 young kids.We have a roof terrace that's private.I suggested we used it more to enable our privacy & not to include her continually as I felt it was not our problem she was loney she should discuss it with her husband.Whenever,her little ones called him even during meals he would jump up & look over the balcony at them.I asked that he controlled his reactions and didn't keep jumping to their calls.His reaction was whats the matter do you think I want to S* her or something.I was taken aback as he was confirming my suspisions.I continued to monitor and asked that if he wasn't infactuated by her, could he stop staring.Our six months were over,the winter is spent in a different country.During this spell he drank heavily & picked an argument nearly every night.He insulted me and my family no end.I restrained from reacting most times during his drunkeness.However,I made a habit of confronted him the next day.He was always sorrowful,but back to the same horrible person again that night.He made my life hell when I reflect on it now.We returned for our summer stint 6 weeks back.It quickly became apparent that the attraction is still there.I've also noticed how she seems to be more for it this time round.In fact this was my confirmation that they were having an emotional affair.I feel my husband instigated it in the first place.The odd thing is, there is no mobile phone or e-mail contact,she's Kurdish & can't speak English,he can speak a little Turkish.The affair runs on glances & secrative gestures.He started spending longer cleaning our pool this year & linkering on the patio in his own thoughts glancing up at her balcony.She makes herself available for the pool clean.Hubby is in bed until around mid-day.He's not aware what's going on.I started to monitor this behaviour & pattern.To make sure that it wasn't in my mind, before I mentioned anything again.I didn't see the sign but I'm certain the gesture I Love you came out.On this day he was very disturbed and in to himself.He kept sighing heavily and brushing his hand across his head as if to say now what?He didn't know i was watching him.When he gave her the ok sign and a touch of his skin pretending to say the chemicals are fine for the skin.He was saying I like your skin.She giggled.Funny enough since then she's been concentrating on her tan.I know he complemented her new hairstyle.The style he hadn't noticed when I said she's had her hair cut.Her reaction was normal the schoolgirl giggle.She came to parade herself in front of us one day in her bikini top.This resulted in a fit of giggles from her & she rabbited on in Kurdish.She's a muslim wife that's a very brave act in front of other neighbours especially men.She'd just returned from a boat trip.Meaning the bikini was apt for the occassion.We are living in a modern part of Turkey,where a lot of the muslims are circular minded.However there is still a percentage that aren't.
I saw her sly secretative gesture on complimenting his new haircut the following week.I did react to that.I walked on to our balcony and said what's the matter that our neighbour feels she can't say she likes your hair like that. Why does she have to gesture by touching her head.She checked first before doing it,to make sure no other neighbours were looking.I asked why he didn't mention I had cut it for him.It's still not wholey acceptable for wives to talk to other men especially while the hubby is not there. Gestures of any kind are very dangerous.My husband pretended to look blank what was I talking about.I asked him to come in he had a phone call.This was my confrontation with him. He denined every thing and I was mad and needed to see a Dr.I was a stupid horrible cow.He was angry and shouting.I said I'm sick of this under-handedness behind my back.I said I've told her about your drinking habits & the sleepless nights I've put up with.He was due to return to the Uk for 4 days to assist our daughter in her new home.His reaction was I'm going to tell her myself when I come back, that I'm not a drunk.I feel this was his admittance to having feelings for her in a round about way he was slightly tearful. I mentioned I felt he was leading her up the garden path.There was not going to be a new life away from her prison cell.She wasn't going to have a taste of my lifestyle that she obviously envies.She thinks we are loaded with money and I suppose were are well off compared to the lifestyle she leads,They often don't have money from one day to the next.I've made meals for the family and taken her money for bills in the past.
This confrontation led to him storming out of our house for about 40 mins.When he returned he was quiet and attentative towards me.Trying to be sociable asking did I want a coffee or anything to eat.
I didn't sleep that night and woke him to have a go about the earlier issue.He went mad and was going to go and see her husband as he had never been within 2 feet of her and never touched her.He wanted to go and wake our friends up and tell them about my madness.I really believed at this point it was me over reacting.I said I was so sorry for accussing him of such things.I blanked all the happenings mentioned previously from my mind.During the week he kept taking himself off to lie on the bed for hours.He said he felt strange inside when I asked what the matter was with him. He started to avoided any eye contact with her.He changed the pool timing clean to an earlier time and decided to sit with his back to her facing me.
My emotions are all over the place changing from anger to self pity.stupidity even to a desire to shower him with affection in front of her.Within a weekmy emotions changed to a positive. I felt the need to sort our affairs out and protect my daughters interest. Should we decide to part after 30 years of marriage.He was taken back and turned it all around again,why was I acting ok one minute with him and not the next.Why was I mucking his brain about?He returned 2 days ago from the UK and has shown no interest towards her.Maybe he realized being with our beautiful daughter, what a wonder life he has.Both of us shower him with love and look after him.Why I have put up with his selfish drunken behaviour I'm not sure.
She's really depressed & bewildered & feeling rejected at the moment.I caught her this evening crying on her balcony trying to catch my husbands attention.He was on our balcony with his back to her.I was inside at one of my lookout points pretending to iron.Neither are aware of my points & that I'm watching them.
I have suddenly realised these past few weeks. I have always had men showering advances towards me.I've never reacted and they have always given up.I always thought to myself why do they possibly think they stand a chance with me? Why would I want to put my marriage at risk for them? I'm very experienced in noticing the signs of catching someone staring at me & I know how to handle it by not looking in their direction again.
I have always looked after myself and can say I look a lot younger then I am.I always dress fashionably and elegantly.I have my hair trimmed every 4 weeks & wear make and lipstick every day.I have shoes and handbags to match every outfit.I don't think my husband could call me a slob and unkept.
I'm at a terrible crossroads in my life.Do I start afresh while I still have a chance of making a new life with some one who will appreciate me and treat me nicely.Or do I stay and let him get away with what he's doing to me.Every-one thinks he's Mr.nice guy.He's very good at coming over like that.I love him when he's like that to me.I'm very open and speak my mind.If we part I know he'll get the backing from everyone.It's now 4am.This is a usual night pattern for me for the past 18 months.

poshsinglemum Sat 27-Jun-09 05:33:41

Why do you doubt the op's love? it happens. New and fresh is just as valid as old and
boring reliable.
However the others are right- grieve your loss and try to move foward with your husband.

poshsinglemum Sat 27-Jun-09 05:40:27

i will get flamed for that. i'm not justifing having an affair- i just think op needs to grieve.

mrsmerryweather Sat 27-Jun-09 07:34:53

wendall suggest you re-post under another thread, as this is not a response to t he OP, and that you divide your post into paragraphs- it is simply too long to read like this.

SoupDragon Sat 27-Jun-09 08:10:38

poshsinglemum, you've missed the point.

Where did I doubt the OP's love? Nowhere.

I was making the point that even had she skipped off into the sunshine with the OM the love would have changed into the deeper "boring" (as you put it hmm) love. What then? go and find something new and fresh again??

It is more correct to say that "old and boring" (again, your words, not mine) is just as valid as new and fresh. More valid in fact since "new and fresh" fades. Love starts off new, fresh and exciting and changes into something deeper. A lover is "electrifying" because of the newness, the excitement, the illicit nature of it all. This wears off and what are you left with?

Dior Sat 27-Jun-09 08:34:44

Definitely destroy the diary and try to only look forwards from now on. The 'love' for the other man will fade and sense will take over. You have done the right thing smile

Laquitar Sat 27-Jun-09 08:48:36

In my twenties i had a lovely but 'not very exciting' boyfriend. Then i met someone who took me into cloudland. I was mad about him and yes i slept with him. I wasnt married and didn't have children but cheating is cheating and i m not proud of it.

The sex was amazing. But i confused love with lust (maybe you do too?). I left my boyfriend and followed the hot man back to his country. Sunshine, sea, wine and hot sex. Very Sirley Valentine.

Soon the excitment gone and saw what he really was, a demanding bully, aggressive,womaniser. And we didnt have love as a strong base to hold us.

After a violent row i came back feeling the most stupid woman in the world. Don't make this mistake.

We all dream of excitement and hot sex and adventure. Its ok as a fantasy. But when you act on it usually goes very sour.

My friend who ve done something similar says 'it is like far away places'. ok to dream about barbados but if you sell everything here and go to live permanetely there what happens? Once the excitment fades you will not like it. not for the rest of your life anyway.

Try to think of his bad things, imagine living with him and washing his socks.

Could you use the experience to better your own life and family? Make your marriage more exciting?

sleepycat Sat 27-Jun-09 08:56:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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