My father and i have a distant relationship. We get on ok, mostly as we don't see each other a huge amount.
My childhood relationship with him was rotten. More than once he told me i was an unwanted accident. He smacked us if we were 'naughty', generally only spoke to us when he was annoyed by us and i felt like everything i did disappointed him. The only times he was ever proud of me, were when i achieved something academically, but even then i think on some level he felt that was a reflection on him. He shouted alot, or else he ignored me. I had to wear what he said, couldn't speak to or look at boys, and wasn't allowed out. I moved out at 16, to live with my mother's parents, and he stopped talking to me for about a year because he didn't approve of my boyfriend (now my DH)
My mother was a brilliant mother- patient, actually talked to us, didn't make me feel like a pain. She couldn't change my Dad, and he controlled her too. I grew up with my mother having no friends, no time on her own, she even couldn't wear what she wanted without disapproval. She didn't work for a long time, and did all the household chores / DIY.
I've married a lovely man, the opposite of my Dad in many ways - patient, has never commented on what i wear, where i go, who i see. I also have my own friends and job, so i feel we're setting a much better example to my sons, especially about a woman's role in a family and how they should be treated.
But i feel like my Dad's parenting is making me a bad mother. I find myself impatient and shouting, and i hear my Dad's voice, and it breaks my heart. I never respected my Dad, often hated him in my teens, and i felt he resented me. The thought that i might make my boys feel like that hurts like hell. I thought i'd be more like my mother, but i'm not. This morning i screamed at my 3yr old to shut up. I could use the excuse of not feeling very well and being tired, but it happens quite often. I've also smacked his hand a couple of times, not in a calculated way, but in an instant reaction. I'm afraid i'm like my father more than i'd like.
I tell my boys i love them every day, and hug and kiss them every day. When i do lose my rag i apologise and try to explain why, but i don't think that's good enough.
I know i've gone on, sorry. If you've read this far then thanks.
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How do i stop myself from turning into my dad?
10 replies
WantToBeDifferent · 26/06/2009 10:48
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