Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

OK I need you to give me the verbal leathering of my life please.

(46 Posts)
ohcrappitycrapcrap Fri 26-Jun-09 09:48:29

I am on the verge of doing something really really stupid, I justb cant seem to stop it happening, I cant tell anyone in real life for obvious reasons and I need help, Please.
I have been texting an old friend but the texts have got more and more intimate, I have met up with him a couple of times, nothing sinister as he is a good friend. I am on the verge of lying to dh and meeting him ton8iight. I musnt so please be my girlfriends and kick some sense into me.

OrmIrian Fri 26-Jun-09 09:50:18

Don't be a twat!


Lizzylou Fri 26-Jun-09 09:52:05

Stay in with your husband tonight and stop the texts, you know it makes sense.
Carrying on like this will just cause heartache for those you are for, stop being selfish and grow up.

<<Swift kick in shins for good measure>>

Is that any good?

Lizzylou Fri 26-Jun-09 09:52:25

Care for, sorry

weegiemum Fri 26-Jun-09 09:53:53


Speaking as a daughter whose mum left for a relationship with a "old friend"

25+ years on I am still paying for it mentally.


SpawnChorus Fri 26-Jun-09 09:54:46

Imagine your DH doing this to you.

Or imagine your children growing up with divorced parents.

Seriously NO GOOD can come of this.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Fri 26-Jun-09 09:55:20

Imagine how you would feel if you saw these texts (to another woman) on your DH's phone. Imagine him telling you later that he asked lots of people for advice (even cyber people) and he nevertheless went on to destroy your marriage. Imagine the pain on your DH's face. Imagine only being a weekend mother, if you have children. Think of the havoc this will wreak on your children. Sons of unfaithful women often have trouble forming relationships (as do daughters of unfaithful men).

Don't do it! Take this as a wake up call. Do tell your husband and use it as a catalyst to improve life with DH. If you cannot do the latter, PLEASE don't do this. You will be ruining so many people's lives.

ohcrappitycrapcrap Fri 26-Jun-09 09:55:51

I eve3n know why I amn doing it, he gives me the attention dh doesnt, I have been virtually begging dh to give me attention for weeks, to make me feel special but he doesnt take up the hints. but this wont make me feel good it will make me feel like shit for the rest of my life wont it.

SpawnChorus Fri 26-Jun-09 09:57:18

Yes it will make you feel shit. Book a babysitter and drag your DH out to a film or dinner or a bar or whatever.

dollius Fri 26-Jun-09 09:57:32

Think about how this will affect your children.

You lost the right to put your own "needs" first when you gave birth.

You will completely change their lives, and probably not for the better.

It's completely unfair because they have no say in that.

dollius Fri 26-Jun-09 09:58:19

Yes, book a babysitter and go out somewhere with your DH.

claricebeansmum Fri 26-Jun-09 09:58:22

Thrill of the chase - great isn't it?
All the attention - makes you feel special, huh?
And having a secret - that's really exciting.

Look around you - your home, your DC, your friends and weigh up whether you are willing to put all that in jeopardy? Do you want to lose it all?

And remember, even if you go the whole hog and walk out on your husband etc and set up shack with this old friend the grass is not greener and as my DH and I always say "The dustbins still have to put out" - it's not going to always be thrilling and exciting.

And, add to that think long and hard about how you would feel if you discovered your DH had sloped off to meet another woman behind your back...

WhenwillIfeelnormal Fri 26-Jun-09 09:59:26

Yes, it will.

That's why you must shake DH out of his complacency by telling all. It will be painful, but worth it. So many spouses blindly trust and think their partner will never look at another person. Wrong. This leads to complacency and not seeing your spouse as a sexual being, with needs.

ohcrappitycrapcrap Fri 26-Jun-09 09:59:56

part of the problem is that I just feel so trapped here, dh has done nothing wrong and neither have the dc but I feel suffocated sometimes. wife, mother, cleaner, cook, general unappreciated dogsbody. Nobody in this house cares about making me feel good the way I constantly try to for them. And I do know how selfish that is.

Blu Fri 26-Jun-09 10:01:30

Oh, go ahead, it will make you feel attractive and good for a couple of hours, feed your ego, massage your sense of self-importnce, and generally flatter yourself that you are irresistible.

Because after all, a married woman is such a catch for a flirtatious man, isn't she? he doesn't have to take the bins out, clean the bath, have endless discussions about the gas bill...

So go ahead, it will be good for you - if you need (hollow) afirmation that much.

And it's worth the risk - (dh devastated and coming to hate you, children distraught, etc etc, can all be fixed with a couple of sessions at Relate. Oh, it might just cast a pall over your sumer hols, if you have any booked, but hey, it's WORTH it)

Have a good night out!

GuessWhatIAmANameChanger Fri 26-Jun-09 10:02:08

Stop hinting, start talking. Tonight is a turning point, you can either go out with this bloke and put the seal on the end of your relationship or you can stay in with your dh, a bottle of wine and TALK to him. Tell him you are feeling low and un-cared for. You can't seriously write him off without giving him the full and proper opportunity to change things! If your friend feels so much for you he will fade away whilst you try to ake a proper go of your life.

cheesesarnie Fri 26-Jun-09 10:03:11

agree with blu.

TheGashlycrumbTinies Fri 26-Jun-09 10:09:00

I think you will find lots of mums feel trapped at some point, but they don't all think about sneaking off for the evening with an old friend.

Have you any girlfriends who you could go out with tonight?

Please don't do this to you husband and children.

And a big swift kick in each shin for good measure!

And I've got pointy toed shoes on.

muffle Fri 26-Jun-09 10:12:06

It's easy for a man outside your relationship to heap attention upon you during the thrill of flirting. The excitement that attention makes you feel is an illusion - it's something anyone can do - it's something your DH has forgotten to do because of the stresses and busyness of daily life. It doesn't make this man right for you, it doesn't add up to happiness. This is how affairs start, because of that lovely feeling of someone taking an interest and wanting you - but it is not how they end. They end with you probably single, not with either man because you hurt your DH and the new man wasn't right for you, your children devastated, you in a place of loss and regret. I have just watched close friends go through it over the past year - don't do it.

It is like giving up smoking. You can choose to have that tempting, harmful thing.... or you can choose to give yourself something wonderful and positive - the fact that you saved yourself, you did not do it, you stepped back, you gave yourself something good instead (in this case, happiness and security and your family to keep - something you could look back on in a year's time and wish, wish, wish you still had). You can talk to DH and make some changes there, but if you start something with this man you can't ever undo it.

ohcrappitycrapcrap Fri 26-Jun-09 10:13:27

I know what a twat I am, I have just texted om and told him I cant do it and if I lose our freindship then it is no more than I deserve. he just appeared at a time that I was feeli8ng really low and offered me everything that I used to be, but I cant have that. I already sat down with dh and told him everything that is upsetting me,k he seemed to take it in and then the next morning assumed everything was back to normasl. I need something but this isnt it.

poshwellies Fri 26-Jun-09 10:14:27

You'll deeply regret it if you do as it will probably end your marriage.

The OM ain't worth it me dear.

Delete his number and enjoy your dh.

OrmIrian Fri 26-Jun-09 10:14:40

Have a quick look at the other thread where someone has just found out that their partner has has an affair and left her and 2 DC. And see how angry, hurt and lost she is. Do you hate your family that much?

skylark2000 Fri 26-Jun-09 10:15:16

knowing exactly how your husband would feel just found husbands doing simmular, GROW UP!

OrmIrian Fri 26-Jun-09 10:15:59

x-posted OP.


I don't know what the answer is but you already know OM wasn't it. Beleive me I know how you feel sad

melmog Fri 26-Jun-09 10:18:07

Just imagine if the situation was reversed.

Or your dh and dc's faces if you ripped their lives apart.

Hope you don't go.

Most of us feel like that at times, but don't risk losing it all for a bit of short lived excitement with this "friend" who should know better too.

Now if you seriously wanted to leave your dh, that would be a different matter, but I don't think you do...

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: