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I feel like such a fool.

(21 Posts)
norksinmywaistband Thu 25-Jun-09 20:16:29

bit of background
Dh left on the 21st of Feb, saying he didn't love me and needed space, I think he was having a bit of a mid life crisis.
I got myself together and after picking myself up, got on with life. I wasn't sure if I should take him back when his heart did a turnaround 6 weeks later and through much turmoil on my part, decided that I would let fate take its course.
I took him out for his 40th 6 weeks ago, made a really big effort, and things seemed to be going well. We have been rekindling our relationship, I trusted him again and we were planning a holiday with the children in a couple of weeks time. with a plan for him to move back if all carried on smoothly.

After having stayed over( the DC knew as well, and this has made me quite angry as I would never have let them know if I was not sure it was a transion to him moving back) we have been to family BBQs and have told my friends it is all looking rosy.

However he now feels it is too soon, and has decided that he is not ready to move back.
He still wants to go on holiday but says the road to him coming back is just longer.

I am sitting here in tears, I feel betrayed again, I know that he just wants to be sure but I feel totally let down and guilliable.

Jodyray Thu 25-Jun-09 20:24:25

OMG I am going through the same-ish thing...Again!!!! We split March and its the 3rd time in 3 years. I get messed about to-ing and fro-ing and struggling with the 2 kids evey summer then come September he is back full on until roughly about Feb when things start to go downhill then March POW he is gone!!! This yr i decided to move on and get a new bloke but soon as DP back on the scene i go running back. Now I am back in limbo trying to put on a brave face to everyone, kids included, and wondering if the holiday he promised will come to fruition! Most days i am depressed and feeling pretty low and cry all the bloody time. I dont know how I can help you hun other than say, I know how you feel xx

AnyFucker Thu 25-Jun-09 20:27:19

I am so sorry

but you need to tell him to fuck off

both of you

norksinmywaistband Thu 25-Jun-09 20:28:51

Sorry you are going through this yo yo effect as well, It would be so much easier if I didn't love him so much sad

I don't think I would have the strength to keep going for 3 years with it though.

But how do you set a deadline on a marriage you want to work?

norksinmywaistband Thu 25-Jun-09 20:31:10

Easier said than done Anyfucker - you have been a great support on my other threads, but I know it could work now, and I cannot let go but I have said the holiday is off regardless of what he wants as in my eyes that is us being back together which in his eyes we obviously are not

Jodyray Thu 25-Jun-09 20:31:30

no idea hun, all i know is that he has a matter of weeks to shape up or ship out as i cant put my kids through this again. DD who is 6 is already back to wetting herself. I have to put my feelings aside this time and give him the ultimatum!

LaurieFairyCake Thu 25-Jun-09 20:32:30

You're not a fool - you're a generous, kind and loving person who chose to suffer the emotional consequences of working at a relationship with someone who wasn't sure.

You should give yourself credit for it.

Only you know when the emotional consequences are too great to carry on.

Good luck smile

norksinmywaistband Thu 25-Jun-09 20:33:20

Good for you Jody, I have a 4 year old who has developed bowel issues during all of this, I don't know if it is connected but have a feeling it issad
It's always the poor DC that suffer in difficult adult relationships

Jodyray Thu 25-Jun-09 20:33:38

PS Re the holiday thing.......last 2 years we have gone, played happy families then when back from airport he has buggered off n left me with kids like he is a single bloke. Best of both world in my eyes, its taken me a long time to admit that and i am still coming to terms with it!

AnyFucker Thu 25-Jun-09 20:33:48

norks, how could it work?

he comes, he goes

he commits, he pulls back

could you live with the anticipation that any time he feels things are not "right" that he will withdraw again and leave you high and dry

all on his terms, of course

stop sleeping with him, it is not helping

not fair to you, not fair to your kids

Jodyray Thu 25-Jun-09 20:36:07

norks - anyfucker is 100% right...you only have to look at me to see they will get away with it for as long as they can if they know you are desperate to make it work! ha look at me giving advice...i need to take my own!!

OlderNotWiser Thu 25-Jun-09 20:36:23

I think maybe its time for YOU to announce you need some space to think (you and jody!)and state you want a couple of months without seeing your DH and if he does really love you then he will still be there at the end; but hopefully you will meet someone who treats you PROPERLY in the meantime. I speak from experience...its so shit when someone has all the power like this. You need to take some back somehow.

norksinmywaistband Thu 25-Jun-09 20:40:30

But I don't want any one else thats the problem.
If I decide I need to be on my own thats one thing. But although I know he has this hold on me I can't let go not yet.
Just don't want to admit to friends in RL what a cock I've been

Jodyray Thu 25-Jun-09 20:43:49

if they are true mates they will understand, believe me i have spent far too much time worrying about that. I think you do need time out. I had 8 weeks without him, the first 2 were horrific, the next were to be honest....relieving as i felt like i had freedom and had fun again....then he came back and everything is now back to square one. I think i should have stayed strong this time, made him fight for me......maybe you should do what i didnt!

AnyFucker Thu 25-Jun-09 20:44:38

norks, was it your thread I posted the lyrics to "The Beautiful South, A Little Time" ??

This might be the right place to do it again

(heaton/rotheray)
I need a little time
To think it over
I need a little space
Just on my own
I need a little time
To find my freedom
I need a little...

Funny how quick the milk turns sour
Isnt it, isnt it
Your face has been looking like that for hours
Hasnt it, hasnt it
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mistrust

I need a little room
To find myself
I need a little space
To work it out
I need a little room
All alone
I need a little...

You need a little room for your big head
Dont you, dont you
You need a little space for a thousand beds
Wont you, wont you
Lips that promise - fear the worst
Tongue so sharp - the bubble burst
Just into unjust

Ive had a little time
To find the truth
Now Ive had a little room
To check whats wrong
Ive had a little time
And I still love you
Ive had a little...

You had a little time
And you had a little fun
Didnt you, didnt you
While you had yours
Do you think I had none
Do you, do you
The freedom that you wanted bad
Is yours for good
I hope youre glad
Sad into unsad

I had a little time
To think it over
Had a little room
To work it out
I found a little courage
To call it off

Ive had a little time
Ive had a little time
Ive had a little time
Ive had a little time

Send him on his way, he wants more time, he wants to be single again more like.

Let him have it. But don't give him another chance.

OlderNotWiser Thu 25-Jun-09 20:52:40

Exactly, AF.

But if really do want him back, then psychological warfare is the way to go. If you are strong in a 'You are not treating me like this' kind of way, I bet you he is keener quicker. Strength and resolve are attractive. If he sees you weeping and missing him he will run.(But I still hope you meet someone else in the meantime.)

AnyFucker Thu 25-Jun-09 20:57:33

norks, are you telling him you don't want anyone else and you can't let go ?

you give him carte blanche to treat you badly in that case

btw, fuck what your friends think

this is between you and him

but mostly between you and you

he will use you if you let him (which is just what he has done)

norksinmywaistband Thu 25-Jun-09 21:05:18

It was my thread, but your right, I do need to listen again.

He does know How much I love and want him, but I kept my feelings close til I knew thought that was what he wanted too.

Have just rung my BF and she is on her way round smile

I just can't believe I am back here again sad

AnyFucker Thu 25-Jun-09 21:08:09

truly sorry norks

SolidGoldBrass Thu 25-Jun-09 22:39:45

Ah Norks, that is a miserable place to be. But you have to dig yoruself out of it, start concentrating on yourself and what makes you happy rather than letting this knobjockey faff about going 'ooh, I don't really know what I want but keep running round after me and I might condescend to shag you once in a while...'

midlandsmumof4 Fri 26-Jun-09 00:28:50

So sorry Norks-Men can be very manipulative s*s sometimes. No, make that all of the time. Think they are born that way. Not sure whether I should be sad or [mad].

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