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To try or not to try

(47 Posts)
polkadotty Thu 25-Jun-09 15:14:31

I'm in a very happy relationship with my DP and after agreeing to start trying for a baby this year, back in January, I've been waiting for the green light to get cracking.

My DP had said that certain financial things had to be sorted before we could start trying so I've been holding out but also explaining to him that we are financially a lot better off than most people having children and that there will never be a perfect time anyway. He insisted that we wait. I was frustrated but respected that this was something important to him.

Yesterday he finds out that his best friend's wife is pregnant - he tells me he has some 'exciting news' for me and drops this bombshell. I was gutted. I've been trying to be patient, but everybody I know is having babies at the moment.

He then tells me he has other exciting news - that after hearing this news, he has decided he thinks we should start trying after all. I was furious with him, unbelievably hurt and desperately upset. (some of you probably think I should have just cracked open the bubbly and been celebrating) but...

Because his best friend is doing it, it must be ok? Did he think I would be so upset at the news that he thought he better just give in? This couple are the first in our group of friends to be pregnant and the thought of 'jumping on the baby bandwagon' makes me feel physically sick. I know that we've been planning to have a baby well before this other couple and though you may think I'm totally irrational, I was totally devastated.

He told me that he had in fact been afraid, that having a baby was a huge thing but that knowing this other couple are expecting, has reassured him! I should have been enough reassurance! Not having his best buddy there to hold his hand. I just can't get over it. I feel he has betrayed me, lying to me all this time, getting my hopes up thinking I was waiting for these financial issues to be resolved and actually I wasn't.

He acknowledges he was being selfish but I just don't know what to do.

I do want to start trying but not like this. So now I feel so torn. I feel my trust and bond with him has been broken because he wasn't honest with me. He is genuinely sorry, I know that - he was physically sick when he thought I was going to leave because I reacted so badly to this 'exciting news'.

What do I do? We've kind of sorted some things out - I said that we should just forget about what he said, see how things go and then when my next cycle begins, see how we feel about trying then. But every time I think about it, I feel sick to my stomach. This is something I've wanted for so long but now I just don't know whether it is a good idea. I'm so hurt.

Please, does anyone have any advice?

ThePhantomPlopper Thu 25-Jun-09 15:51:51

A lot of men find pregnancy and the life style change very scary, this might have reassured him.

I think you need to cut him some slack and enjoy TTC.

polkadotty Thu 25-Jun-09 16:04:14

I would have totally understood that if he had been honest with me. Why I'm so hurt is because he made me believe that he was ready for a baby and lied to me.

We never argue, we have a very easy going relationship so I'm really hurt he didn't tell me the truth rather than lying all this time. I never forced him into making the decision which is why I'm so upset.

warthog Thu 25-Jun-09 16:10:13

i can appreciate how you're feeling.

but ultimately you both now want the same thing. talk some more, and try to move on. then enjoy ttc.

ThePhantomPlopper Thu 25-Jun-09 17:09:00

I don't think he was lying to you in the traditional sense, just trying to spare your feelings or buy some time.

Parenthood is scary, let him have this 'blip' and put it behind you.

Lulumama Thu 25-Jun-09 17:12:27

i think you are seeing this totally the wrong way

he has not discussed his negative feelings with you as he did not want to hurt you and now, due to being so excited and happy for his friends, he has made the leap and is ready to start TTC

i really don't see the issue but you will push him away if you turn this into an issue of lying/betrayal

for a lot of men, there are practical issue such as finances that impact their decisions and he may have felt more comfortable citing those reasons which are probably valid, than talking about fear/deep feelings etc taht he might have found harder to explain

howtoknow Thu 25-Jun-09 17:16:37

thing is - maybe he didn't even realise - maybe he genuinely did want to wait til the finances were sorted (but subconsciously all this other stuff was going on)

tbh I do think you are being a tad prima donna-ish - your comment about jumping on the baby bandwagon makes me think that you are fed up at not being first amongst your friends and that that is what is really rankling

that means nothing - NOTHING - enjoy your time TTC and look forward to your baby, remember it's not a competition, if you don't ttake that on board you will never be happy as a mum

e kind to your DH, sound to me like he is genuinely confused

good luck

screamingabdab Thu 25-Jun-09 18:43:01

I agree with everyone else. I think you are over-reacting a bit (sorry). I can identify with his feeling that because someone else is doing it, it is a feasible thing to do. Some people are not as comfortable with this big leap into the unknown as you clearly are.

Lulumama is right

Longtalljosie Thu 25-Jun-09 18:55:00

I think you're a little jealous still that your DP's friend has beaten you to it, but that's OK and quite human.

And so is your DP's reaction. It's almost classically male (sorry to generalise). Men do worry about their life changing - and their circle of friends changing. Now that's happened anyway, he's got less to be nervous about.

It's not an insult, or something you should feel "sick to your stomach" about. It's something you should thank your lucky stars has happened, or you could have ended up in limbo for ages!

Aeschylus Thu 25-Jun-09 19:00:30

also remember if he had come to you and said, I dont want a baby b/c I am scared, you would of kept talking to him about it, but b/c he gave goals it took away that constant talk about it...

Standard practice with us men

also, we are all sheep inside, very few of us actually go out on our own, why does it matter that he feels comfort in the fact his best friend DW is expecting...

you will never only see 1 person striking, we do it in groups, as we take strength from each other...

I think your reaction is fairly terrible, and I would be doing some major sucking up....

however know the other couple will think you are trying to "keep up with the jone's"

screamingabdab Thu 25-Jun-09 19:07:14

Yes, I think you are right Longtalljosie because many men don't have a sort of broody, biological urge to have children, they can only see the (very rational) drawbacks.

Aeschylus Yep, I prevented my hubbie from proposing repeatedly by asking him to marry me (when drunk). When he finally proposed he said he had been waiting for a big enough gap !

polkadotty Thu 25-Jun-09 20:08:48

OK perhaps I should have given a bit more background as to why this particular news has upset me so much (plenty of close friends have recently had babies or become pregnant and I've been thrilled for everyone of them and not felt any hurt or sadness that it wasn't me).

About a year ago, I was very good friends with my DP's best friend's wife. Last summer we went out and I stupidly confided in her that in 2009 we were going to start trying for a baby. She told me that there was no way that they were going to be so soon as they had just got married and wanted to enjoy married life. They had gotten engaged first out of our group of friends and when two other couples got engaged shortly after, the wife became very competitive and actually quite horrid to the other wives to be.

Anyway a month after we had this conversation and I had told her I was having my implant out in January, my DP announced that the wife was coming off the pill in January too. I was really upset - this isn't something to have a competition about. God forbid that someone should beat her to it. I was pretty upset. My DP realised how upset it had made me and we talked it over.

So now, to hear this news - that's why it hurts so much. He knew how upsetting I would find it that the wife got her way, she beat me to it. He knew it was going to crushed and actually told me he thought by telling me he'd decided we should start trying, it would put a positive slant on the bombshell.

Maybe I am upset not to be the first. We are the last out of all the couples not to have got engaged or married and that hasn't worried me at all. I'm not that fussed, but having a baby is important to me. It is all I've ever wanted.

Please don't attack me, I'm terrified that I'll have difficulty conceiving (yes, possibly an irrational fear) so for them to announce they're one of the lucky ones, just compounds my pain and anxiety that we won't.

screamingabdab Thu 25-Jun-09 20:15:43

Please, I don't mean to sound insensitive, but read back what you just wrote.

It's only a competition because you allowed it to be. Who is the competitive one ?

And you say you are "crushed" she is pregnant ? God forbid something goes wrong with that pregnancy.

This is about you and your fears, not your DH.

ThePhantomPlopper Thu 25-Jun-09 20:21:10

This shouldn't have anything to do with the other lady, don't make it into a competition, you will drive yourself mad.

screamingabdab Thu 25-Jun-09 20:21:23

I just want to apologise for my third line blush.

polkadotty Thu 25-Jun-09 20:23:10

No you misunderstand me completely - I wanted this to be something for us, I didn't involve myself in the big bride war, taking sides. I saw the bitchy comments and fighting.

I didn't want that, I didn't want for someone to try racing me for a baby, I just wanted for us to be a family.

I had wanted for us to move away from this group of competitive bitches and because I was foolish enough to confide in her, she started it all over again.

And now, even though it is something I very much have wanted for a long long time, she will take great glee in telling everyone that we jumped on the band wagon, just as she did when the others got engaged.

screamingabdab Thu 25-Jun-09 20:25:03

Try not to care though. Just write it off as not -very-nice-person telling untruths. Life's too short, really

polkadotty Thu 25-Jun-09 20:25:15

And my DP, to announce this as exciting news and that this has spurred him to want one too, is just sickening

mrsboogie Thu 25-Jun-09 20:27:52

God - its not about being first, you sound wayyy too immature to get pregnant to be honest. As you are probably aware there is a lot that can go wrong in pregnancy and at least one in four pregnancies are said to end in miscarriage. You should only be concerned with your own life and your own plans. She might be "ahead" now but who's to say what is going to happen?

Pregnancy can be horrible, exhausting, worrying and that's before the really difficult bit when the baby comes. If you are stropping about because someone else "beat you to it" you don't might not be ready for the demands of motherhood.

Its not a race - there's no prizes and SHE will probably feel that you have stolen her thunder if you become pregnant soon!

Get over it, really.

screamingabdab Thu 25-Jun-09 20:29:31

But DH doesn't see it as you do. He is pleased his best friend is going to have a baby, maybe. He is not part of this thing going on between you and the wife.

I think it's unfair of you to blame him.

Feel upset, by all means. I hope venting helps. But try and see the bigger picture

mrsboogie Thu 25-Jun-09 20:31:40

I mean no prizes for popping one out first obviously! there is a prize!

Grammaticus Thu 25-Jun-09 20:36:01

When you have a baby it will be a person, not some kind of trophy.

You have got this so the wrong way round.

Most people have babies, you won't be in any way unusual or special and it doesn't matter who "gets in first".

screamingabdab Thu 25-Jun-09 20:38:48

Good point Grammaticus. And when the baby comes you SO won't be special

polkadotty Thu 25-Jun-09 20:39:04

I'm sure that for all of you who probably have children already, it so easy to be so cruel.

I don't wish her or their baby any harm.

I'm sad that it has taken this for my DP to be honest with me. I feel humiliated and he has made me feel totally stupid for believing him.

He has somehow made me feel like I forced him to want a baby and I'm angry about that because it just isn't true.

Clearly I'm deranged to want a baby and be a family. Total madness

mrsboogie Thu 25-Jun-09 20:46:18

No one said any of that. Of course you should want a baby and a family but it absolutely should not matter to you who has a baby first or even that your friend is having one to "beat you to it" . Good luck to her.

Quite frankly if that is her motivation for getting pregnant now she is another one deserving of a hmm. She will have her baby and you will have yours hopefully soon after and no one will have any advantage over anyone else.

What do you think you have lost out on if she HAS stolen a march on you? genuine question.

You sound very spoiled to be honest, the fact that you threw such a massive wobbler that your husband had to sweeten you up by saying he is now ready to TTC should be what is worrying you.

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