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Friend says we're drifting apart - if you were me, would you tell her why?

(5 Posts)
fleacircus Thu 25-Jun-09 14:53:34

She's right, we are, because our values are completely different. But when I'm with her I don't question certain remarks that she makes, partly because they sometimes leave me completely speechless and partly because I don't want to be hurtful. And she doesn't really listen to me, just sort of assumes that our ideas must be similar. So I don't think she realises the reasons for the changes in our friendship.

We both have young children, my DD is 17mths and hers is 14mths, but this has made our lives more different rather than more similar. Also I'm pregnant and she moved further away a while ago, so we see each other less often than before. I wasn't really bothered about seeing her less but she's recently brought it up - not the seeing me less, because that's about practical things, but the feeling that we're becoming more distant. So, do I keep my mouth shut, try to make a bit more effort, but accept the continued drift; or do I tell her and risk a big falling out? I'm feeling guilty about it because since she brought it up I've realised that she needs my friendship more than I need hers - I know how callous that sounds, but I'm sure it's true.

ineedalifelaundry Thu 25-Jun-09 16:21:12

I wouldn't want someone to stay friends with me because they felt sorry for me. I also hope my friends aren't afraid to tell me their true opinions and tell me if they disagree with mine. So I think 'keep my mouth shut, try to make a bit more effort' wouldn't be an option for me.

Friendship works two ways and it doesn't sound like you're really gaining anything from this one.

Either tell her how you really feel (and risk the fall out but at least you've been honest) or next time you're together and she says something shock, give her your opinion in no uncertain terms - see how she takes it. If she can't handle your differences, you know the friendship has to end.

SueMunch Thu 25-Jun-09 17:13:02

It's difficult when you get to the point where you feel that you are drifting apart from someone.

If it helps, I have recently reached this point with a friend of mine. She is in a relationship but has no kids and has chosen the travelling lifestyle - working for six months then going of for the rest of the year.

I've found that we still meet up but we have little in common. In fact, there is more to it than that as I feel she thinks her lifestyle is superior to mine and I have to listen to hours of travelling sotries before she eventually ask show my children are!!

I think the friends that you don't have to try too hard with are the best. Chat is natural and there is a mutual interest in each other's lives rather than an assumption that you are similar.

HecatesTwopenceworth Thu 25-Jun-09 17:15:48

Do you like her?
Do you want her in your life?

If the answer to those questions is no, then tell her.

Why waste your time and hers on a 'fake' friendship?

fleacircus Fri 26-Jun-09 12:16:36

Sometimes I really like her, and she can be incredibly sweet and generous, although not exactly thoughtful. It doesn't help that her DH is very socially awkward and quite uncomfortable company, and my DP isn't particularly keen on either of them.

We've been friends for so long now that to not be friends seems simply bizarre. If I could have a more casual friendship with her, I think that would suit me fine, but I'm sure that she thinks of us as being very close, and also she does have extremely high expectations of her friends and family (which is one of the things I find difficult about her).

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