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Advice required.

(52 Posts)
Desperate84 Thu 25-Jun-09 10:54:21

My Husband and I met 4 years ago. He was still in a relationship with his then wife and I was in a relationship with my then Fiance.

We had an affair for approx 3-4 months in which time, I left my Fiance and my now husband continued to remain at the Marital Home with his wife and his daughter, then 3.

A week or so after I left my Fiance, my now Husband claimed he'd left the home and moved in with his sister. He'd moved his belongings out and was no longer with his then wife. This is not something that was requested of him by me, but following several arguments with his then wife; a decision he had made.

When the affair came to light, his then wife did the usual, came to see me to confront me, rang me told me he was still living there and that I was to come and see for myself that his Bike (which he'd told me was at his sisters with the rest of this belongings) was still in the garage and all his clothes were in the wardrobes etc etc.

I went and this was proven - so he'd lied. Anyway, they split and my now husband and I moved straight in with eachother. For months, I put up with him meeting her in pubs to 'discuss' and taking her out to lunch to 'see his daughter'. Every time he would get home, i would recieve a call to say he'd taken her to lunch and asked if they could get back together. ANYWAY, he said he wanted to be with me and that due to the problems and lies over those months, all contact with his daughter would be without her.

He was not allowed this, so in order to see his daughter, once again, I remained at home whilst he went and met his wife and daughter. Quite often, I would get texts again saying something had gone on, he was taking her on holiday etc.

Now, the matter went to court and he was awarded un-supervised contact and I was introduced. We vowed to eachother that we would not let her get in the way of us again. If she was going to lie about everything, HE proposed he didnt speak with her on the phone unless I was around - which was fine by me and he would certainly not be meeting her.

Now initially, following all the lies, I was dubious so I would often go with him when he collected his daughter and we would spend the day together. As time has passed, trust built between us and he has for the last 9-12 months been going alone.

Now, last week his step daugheter told me he'd been INTO the house. When I asked him, he point blank said he'd NEVER been into the house only to the door. I asked him to make sure he was not lying to me again and he finally came clean that he'd been into the house on ONE occasion to carry his daughter to the sofa because she had no shoes on.

Now, firstly I'm angry that he'd done something he told me he'd never do (go into the house) and secondly, if all was innocent, he never came home and told me - since he'll quite openly admit that we had agreed he'd never do it. BUT last of all, when I did find out - he lied.

He now thinks it's unreasonable that I have lost a little faith in him. He knew what we'd agreed and he knew how I felt. When I ask him why he did not carry her to the door and place her on the carpet - he now says she was half asleep and thats why he took her to the sofa - because the ex asked him too.

Am I being unreasonable to have lost faith in him?

Desperate84 Thu 25-Jun-09 10:58:00

Sorry, 3rd paragraph from end - was MY step daughter - his daughter.

bethoo Thu 25-Jun-09 11:04:07

a tricky one really. but yo must take into account that whilst he was having an affair with you he was therefor lying to his wife. your dh obvioulsy does not have a problem with lying and needs ot be addressed as he is not 100% trustworthy so understandably you are going ot be annoyed.
you will probably never know if anythinkg went on wiht his ex as she is also most likely very bitter (sho wouldnt be?) that her hubby left her for anohter woman so of course she may be telling tattle tales to cause friction between you two especially if it means he may go running back to her.

IveGotHamButImNotAHamster Thu 25-Jun-09 11:07:34

YANBU because of the past history, but perhaps you do have to choose whether to start trusting him fully or not. He probably didn't mention the going in because he didn't want to upset you or make you angry - for a quiet life basically, so there is probably nothing in it. My partner does this on occasion (we have similar background to yours as in he was married when we met, and although there was no affair, there was still a very long drawn out process in the separation where I was brought into it by both of them).

And there lies my issue with this situation - your now husband should have been protecting you from this more I think. Why does she even have your phone number to be texting you? I hope this has now stopped as it must be very hard. The supervised contact also sounds like it has no basis in law, and all about the ex's attempts to control the situation.

I would talk to him and say you would prefer to know everything, even if he thinks it will upset you, it is better than even a small lie.

Desperate84 Thu 25-Jun-09 11:08:11

I know that she would lie. Thats not my issue - my issue is, he knows what going into the house would/could have caused - am I unreasonable to have lost trust in him? Or did he do the right thing in carrying her in and putting her on the sofa?

IveGotHamButImNotAHamster Thu 25-Jun-09 11:11:39

The issue is not really about the sofa - he may have done the right thing or he may not. His daughter may have just wanted to be carried for no real reason (kids love it!) so I guess he did the right thing if it made her happy. She probably misses him a lot too. I know it is hard as you don't want to imagine him in their house, but just focus on the little one's wishes and that will help. The trust is the separate issue you need to sort out.

macdoodle Thu 25-Jun-09 11:12:09

You know "she" would lie hmm because of course "he" is so trustworthy shock
You are living totally the live you deserve I am afraid full of mistrust and deceit, what did you expect would happen??

Desperate84 Thu 25-Jun-09 11:13:42

I trust nothing happened - maybe I'm not putting my question up properly, what I'm saying is.

On the basis he knows what we agreed - a) should he have gone int whatever the reason and b) not tell me and THEN lie?

Surely, it's reasonable that i've lost faith?

Desperate84 Thu 25-Jun-09 11:15:25


affairs happen and I didnt say he wouldnt lie, i was replying to a comment about her lying

i have asked for advice not digs so if you've no 'advice' - please feel free to leave and post elsehwere

IveGotHamButImNotAHamster Thu 25-Jun-09 11:22:42

Your doubt is totally reasonable, and I hope he appreciates that. But also, when dealing with children it is never black and white, and although there have to be boundaries, it is hard for him to say no to his daughter. He definitely shouldn't lie to you however. And you do not deserve it.

ginnny Thu 25-Jun-09 11:23:27

Surely his dd is the most important thing here. She is an innocent child and if she wants her dad to carry her to the sofa then why the hell shouldn't he.
He probably didn't tell you because he knew you'd have a go at him.
I think you are blowing the whole thing out of proportion. Fair enough he can't be going in the house for cozy chats and cups of coffee with his ex, but just by setting foot in their with his dd I don't think its the end of the world.
(Have to say I do agree with MacD too though - karma!)

ginnny Thu 25-Jun-09 11:24:52

OMG - there not their shock
Call myself a secretary??!!

Desperate84 Thu 25-Jun-09 11:25:50

His daughter did not ask to be carried in and hasn't for 4 years - his wife asked to carry her in to the lounge.

I am very black and white too and am of the opinion, if you wouldnt' tell your partner something, what you're doing is probably wrong and there lies a decision - how much your partner means to you.

He knew it would upset me, he knew he'd said he'd never go in and he knew, he could have put her inside the door and everyone wouldhave got what they wanted - everyone BUT the ex wife. Therefore, he put her wishes above that of mine, his wife.

CountessDracula Thu 25-Jun-09 11:26:34

What are you frightened of?
That he will go back to his wife? Or that he is still sleeping with her?

I can totally see why you don't trust him, I can't see how anyone who starts a relationship with an affair could ever think that their partner could be faithful tbh

Desperate84 Thu 25-Jun-09 11:26:57

if karma is as true as everyone says, then the ex wife is in for some to come her way too....

IveGotHamButImNotAHamster Thu 25-Jun-09 11:26:58

Nobody is all good or all bad, and throwing this idea of deserving bad things around or karma is just not on. I bet there are very few people who have never done anything wrong. And I am also willing to bet that this hasn't been an easy road for the OP either. We all make difficult choices and have to deal with difficult situations.

CountessDracula Thu 25-Jun-09 11:27:56

I don't think black and white works in this situation
Why should he not still be civil with his ex
for all you know she wasn't telling fibs.

CountessDracula Thu 25-Jun-09 11:28:33

What for fighting to keep her husband?

Desperate84 Thu 25-Jun-09 11:28:37

I'm not scared of either - CountessDracula - I'm dissapointed that he would do something that we had both agreed he would not do and then LIE.

As I said, affairs happen - people go on to live perfectly happy lives with other people following affairs so yes, I did think he could be faithful. I am perfect example because i too had the affair and I've not cheated.

Desperate84 Thu 25-Jun-09 11:29:40

no, for lots of things that do not relate to this post - the lies she has told her daughter. Stopping contact for months on end because it didnt 'suit her'. If anyone could do with a lesson on 'keeping children happy' its her...

Desperate84 Thu 25-Jun-09 11:30:28

civil - he has been, for 4 years - apart from when it went to court for contact following her stopping it all.

i'm not talking about being civil.

MadameCastafiore Thu 25-Jun-09 11:30:32

You are getting caught up in silly details - he carried his child to the sofa - he did not shag his wife on the sofa.

He will be replacing you next if you cannot show a little trust in his judgement - or do you really not believe that all the lies come from his wife and there really is something going on?

Either way I would hate to be you - paranoid and mistrusting or him untrusted and constantly interrogated - what a life for either of you!

lilacclaire Thu 25-Jun-09 11:30:42

On the basis of him carrying her in and putting her on the couch, yes you are being unreasonable.

Desperate84 Thu 25-Jun-09 11:32:38

why is nobody getting what i'm saying?

i'm not saying 'him carrying her in and putting her on the couch, is being unreasonable" i'm saying - he told be he'd never go in, he told me he'd never lie - he has therefore lied twice.

Forget the couch, if he'd gone in to fix a leak its irrelevant what he went in for....

mrsboogie Thu 25-Jun-09 11:34:19

The only advice really is that since you got together with an untrustworthy liar who has a child with his frst wife you must decide whether you want to stay with tis person. It is ridiculous that she can't be carried into her own house by her daddy because he is a cheating liar who f*cked off with another woman and now the OW can't trust him.

If you did trust him it wouldn't matter what his first wife said would it?

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