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Feel down about our relationship at times

(16 Posts)
chocolatestar Wed 24-Jun-09 22:47:48

I love DH very much, we have been together for seven years and when it is good it is great and he is my best friend.

When he is moody though I hate it. He gets in a mood for whatever reason and takes it out on me. He will tell me I am useless or tell me to shut up or swear at me. Sometimes I try to just walk away from him when he is like that as I know there is not much to be done and sometimes he will prevent me from walking away and will hold me so I have to listen to whatever he is saying. He does it in a half jokey way but at the same time nothing is funny about it and I hate it when I tell him to stop doing something or to let me go and he he ignores me.

He makes jokes about wanting to punch my face in and sometimes they just don't sound like jokes. I am not good with anger in general or with any kind of conflict so I am probably over sensitive to things too which won't help and I am certainly not easy in many ways as I struggle with anxiety and can be difficult but I don't want my son to see this kind of behaviour.

I know I have problems myself - I have bad self esteem, have struggled with anxiety for years and have had depression in the past. I also have eating issues and had a very bad spell recently though I am past the worst of that now. I realise this must be a strain but at the same time I am just tired of his moods. I have spoken to him about how it makes me feel and I have tried putting my foot down and telling him not to speak to me like that but it seems to make things worse.

I have rambled too much already so I will leave it at that for now.

HolyGuacamole Wed 24-Jun-09 23:01:50

He does not sound good for you at all sad

I'd worry about someone who gets a kick out of restraining you and/or insulting you. It is not on and it is not a joke. You can't stop him from being like that, only he can.

Is this a problem that has escalated over time?

blinks Thu 25-Jun-09 01:20:33

i think you've taken a step towards not accepting this behaviour by starting this thread, chocolatestar... i think you already know that it's not right to restrain, verbally abuse or threaten your partner.

putting your foot down 'make things worse' because he's threatened by you showing strength. he's the scared one but he's trying to put it onto you.

do you feel it's escalating?

chocolatestar Thu 25-Jun-09 07:12:00

It goes through stages. It's been worse since I had DS who is now 20 months. I think we both found it hard to adjust to being a parent - I know I did anyway. I love him to bits but it was all a bit of a shock and I think I was bordering on a bit of depression afterwards as I found it hard to leave the house and felt pretty isolated not to mention the lack of sleep not helping!

There are times when I feel I have to almost manage his anger if that makes sense and I feel scared of setting him off. In general I just hate the total lack of respect that he sometimes has towards me but anything I have tried to do to address it hasn't seemed to work.

blinks Thu 25-Jun-09 09:57:38

you can't fix this.

if you have already told him how much this behaviour upsets and demeans you and he has CHOSEN to continue anyway, you need to start questioning his suitability as a partner.

if he's unwilling to change this relationship is in danger of becoming increasingly violent and while that risk exists you'd be wise to put the needs of your child before yours and your husband's.

chocolatestar Thu 25-Jun-09 23:00:34

He isn't like this all of the time. It's been worse the last year. I think he might be a bit depressed actually and we have been under a lot of pressure financially.

I am bad a conflict - I grew up with a lot of it and it now scares me so I find it hard if someone is angry around me.

I recently started a new job which is helping because I feel I have more power now that I am earning. I know it shouldn't make a difference but it did when I was not earning. Now the tables have turned and I am the main earner.

It's difficult because I feel bad posting - I feel like I am doing him a diservice as he is so kind and lovely in many ways but at the same time I am really tired of his moods and I have no one I can talk to about it.

chocolatestar Fri 26-Jun-09 05:53:34

This morning is a little example. He is very bad at mornings but I don't think that is an excuse. DS is in our room because we have a guest and we have been sorting out his sleep and doing well. He woke up at five am and because he could see me wouldn't settle so I ended up feeding him. I commented to DH that I knew it would go wrong (meaning sorting out the sleep) once he was in our room and he told me to 'just shut up'. He says it in such an awful tone of voice.

I didn't say anything at the time because it would have just caused an argument when I was trying to get DS to go back to sleep. I am going to try and talk to him about it later. I don't think it is ok for him to talk to me like that no matter how grumpy he feels.

screamingabdab Fri 26-Jun-09 06:02:59

No, it is not right.

And even if he IS depressed (irritability and anger can be a symptom), he needs to acknowledge that and get help for himself. It does not excuse his behaviour towards you.

Anyone whose spouse "jokes" about punching their face in is not being oversensitive. Please do not let this go back on to you. I hope others here can give you the strength you need to put yourself and your dcs first

I have never experienced abuse, but my dad suffered from depression and I have seen the way he used to talk to my mum.

Sorry you are up so early having to worry about this.

chocolatestar Fri 26-Jun-09 06:14:35

Thanks - it's nice to know someone else is up too early! I just needed some peace and quiet and couldn't get back to sleep after that.

I am really hoping I can talk to him about this without him getting defensive and argumentative. This whole habit of telling me to to just shut up needs to stop, it's really unpleasant and upsetting.

ninedragons Fri 26-Jun-09 06:17:09

I hate to be so blunt, but it really is a recurring theme when posters say "but he's so lovely and kind in many ways" about a partner who is WAY out of line by any normal standards (joking about punching his partner in the face is not something that would ever cross the mind of my DH or of any man that I know).

He's NOT lovely and kind. At best, he has medical issues requiring urgent and aggressive treatment. At worst, he is a nasty bully.

I think you need to seek counselling to get your head to a place where you realise exactly how unacceptable your partner's behaviour is.

screamingabdab Fri 26-Jun-09 06:22:38

Gah, parenthood has forever altered my sleep patterns. Now my two don't wake at the crack of dawn, but I do .....

Have you anyone in RL you could confide in ?

Been racking my brains to think how to get round his defensiveness. I know others on here will say that it's not your job to do that, but I appreciate you want to try and get him to see his has to do something about this.

You do sound like you are feeling stronger. I suppose it's about recognising how much longer you are willing to put up with this.

chocolatestar Fri 26-Jun-09 06:24:27

I think I probably would benifit from some counselling to get my head around it all and for my own confidence. I find it hard to know exactly how I should percieve it all. 95 % of our relationship I would say is really good and he is my best friend and I love him. It's just this aspect that has started to develop over the last year or so that is getting me down.

I actually feel really guilty posting about it, like I am betraying him or something.

screamingabdab Fri 26-Jun-09 06:28:02

Look, don't feel guilty. We don't know the guy. It's good that you are posting precisely because we can see it objectively.

If what you are writing is the truth as you see it, then hopefully getting it down in writing is, in itself, therapeutic for you.

Some RL help would be a good idea, I think. Could you talk to your GP ?

screamingabdab Fri 26-Jun-09 06:31:57

What do you think he would say if you asked him how he feels about your relationship?

I think his answer to that question is going to give you a clue about whether he is able to think about YOUR needs, or whether he is going to blame you for everything.

chocolatestar Fri 26-Jun-09 06:36:43

I can make a Dr's appointment - I don't know how easy it will be to get them to refer to me - do you just ask for these things?

I don't know what he would say to that. He does tell me he loves me every day. I am going to try to have a chat with him when he is in a better mood and see what happens. I often avoid doing that because I don't want to put him back in a bad mood.

strawberryplanter Fri 26-Jun-09 06:39:24

This man is very bad for your self esteem, you know that.

You also know he is completely out of order to verbally abuse you and physically restrain you and threaten to punch you.

It is called mental abuse, nice one minute so you feel fine and happy, then downright mean and threatening the next.

Everyone has a nice side, some are more charming than others, so that's not really what matters.

Much more importantly is how people behave for the rest of the time, like when times are tough.

It is crucial your dc are not brought up in a household where mummy is hreatened/scared/etc etc because they will grow up thinking this is normal and then go on to choose abusive partners because the warning signs were not heeded for self protection.

You have made the first step, your safety and peace of mind as well as your baby's come first. Thank god you're not financially dependent, that is terrible for a woman's elf esteem.

You need to be open to everyone now because it can only escalate, and these things always do if a man is able to get away with it he will.

Do not be ashamed or cover up what has happened. Compile a diary of all events and triggers and go to your gp, a solicitor etc. Please put your baby first and make sure she does not ever have to see you treated this way or live in that toxic environment.

Good luck

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