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is it really possible to have an amicable split & remain friends with your ex dh for sake of the dc

(13 Posts)
anyonethere Wed 24-Jun-09 20:23:45

dh having an affair & is leaving but would like amicable split, still would like to see dc as much as poss, says he'll support us fully.

am prepared to be amicable over dc access but can't forgive him for deception & lies over the affair. dh saying he wants future with OW. am still v angry with him as he is not in the slightest remorseful about it. how can i move forward?

Boys2mam Wed 24-Jun-09 20:42:28

When I split with my (now) ex-h I was certain he had had an affair. I was so angry and hurt as I know it was going on when my son was born and for the year following.

He still denies it now but is now openly living with the woman I thought he was cheating with. So many signs and still he denies it.

However, 4 years on I'm over him, with a fantastic new bloke and gorgeous baby DS2- the lies and the b***t behind me, he's her problem now and you have to take comfort (wrong word for what you're feeling now, I know) in that.

Time will help, just keep your distance, keep conversation limited to the DC and know you're soooooo much better with him.

anyonethere Wed 24-Jun-09 23:06:13

hope you meant WITHOUT him!!

2rebecca Thu 25-Jun-09 10:12:32

I think you just have to be civil for the sake of your kids. Very few spouses end up friends after 1 sided decisions to end a relationship like this. Most stick to keeping communication brief and child focussed. If there were no children you probably wouldn't want to see him again, but there are so you do.
You don't have to forgive him. If he's happy living with the OW he maybe isn't remorseful, sorry he upset you perhaps, but not sorry he did it. If it's all recent you'll probably continue to be angry with him for a while. That's OK, just don't let the kids hear you ranting about him. Make sure you get a fair deal in the divorce.

notevenamousie Thu 25-Jun-09 10:31:05

I think you have to let yourself be angry and grieve. It's ok to feel those things and be a bit overwhelmed at the moment. He cheated on you and is leaving you and your kids. That is bound to make anyone upset and cross and alone.

Being friendly, rather than friends, is what I would like to aim for and I hope it will come to you (and me) in time. Come and join us in the lone parents section. And I am so sorry that you are going through this

AnitaBlake Thu 25-Jun-09 19:07:14

Hi, just thought I'd add my twopence worth! Yes it is possible top recover from this sitch. A friend of mine left her husband following his affair. They have a 50/50 contact split which is very fair on both of them, and actually get on better now than they did when they were married!

It worked because they both put the kids to the forfront, they never saw any fighting and both parents worked very hard to make sure they were kept out of it. It can be done! Good luck!

SolidGoldBrass Thu 25-Jun-09 19:13:25

You have to separate how you feel about the end of your couple-realtionship from the co-parent relationship you are now in. That he doesn;t want to be your romantic partner any more doesn;t necessarily make him a bad parent or even a bad person.
It's understandable that you feel angry and hurt but it's important not to allow your feelings to make you behave badly ie using the DC as weapons or telling them what a shit their father is.
For the moment, the best way to handle it is to be coolly polite to XH when you have to encounter him, and ask him not to contact you for the moment unless it's about DC/maintenance. Then concentrate on you, and your own life, and all the things you would like to do (hobbies, friends, work etc). Remember that an amicable co-parent relationship means a lifetime of free babysitting and, once the hurt and anger wear off, you can often have a pleasant, workable relationship with an XP/Co-parent as after all both of you love the DC.

goodnightmoon Thu 25-Jun-09 19:33:11

good advice here. at some point you'll have to forgive him or at least move on to the point that it no longer bothers you. but also keep in mind this OW is going to be in DC's life too so working through the anger is crucial.

i'm sorry you are going through this and hope you get the support you need from friends and family.

flatcapandpearls Thu 25-Jun-09 19:39:18

I had a horrific divorce but am very proud that my ex and I are now friends and can put to one side our feelings about each other and move on for the sake of our daugter whom we love. If we can do it anyone can

CarGirl Thu 25-Jun-09 19:41:19

I'm still on good terms with my ex-h and it works very well.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 25-Jun-09 21:42:53

There are actually lots of advantages to you in making the co-parent relationship amicable rather than seeking to 'punish' an XP for no longer wanting to be in a couple-realtionship with you. As I said above: free babysitting that you never need to feel guilty or obliged about (it's the other parent looking after the DC) is one: aditional loving and concerned adults in DC's life (with any luck, it can be difficult when one or other co-parent starts dating a twunt), self-satisfaction from showing that you can be mature and dignified and put your DC's interests first, fewer lawyers' fees...

elastamum Thu 25-Jun-09 21:51:14

i think that there is a difference between getting along in an amicable way and being friends. IMO the a divorce where one spouse has cheated on the other leaves little basis for a friend ship but that doesnt mean you cant try to get along. But it isnt easy. I have had a reasonable relationship with my ex but i have found that since my ex has got his new GF his attitude towards me has hardened a lot and i expect he is being wound up somewhere along the line as she probably doesnt like our amicable relationship and wants to put some distance between us.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 25-Jun-09 22:36:04

I do think that when a split is recent and one partner feels badly hurt then 'friends' is not going to be possible but civility should be. However, a few years down the line you may well end up good friends.

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