I just don't get him!

[emmawil37]

Hi All,

I don't know if anyone read any of my other conversations I have started but basically my husband left us 3 weeks ago after I found he was advertising for nsa daytime sex on the internet. Well, since then we have seen him and all got on OK, I'm not so angry anymore, I believe that some of it was due to my fault to the extent that the relationship obviously had problems, I am not excuses his behaviour.

Its just we have both agreed to wear our wedding rings again, i have said that I forgive him and that he can come home and we can try and work on our relationship with counselling, etc, won't be easy but I would give it a go. But, he's the one acting as if he is the hard done by one and I don't get it He won't come home and he complanes that my parents haven't checked if he's OK as he has to live with his sister and her family, his sister or any of his family haven't phoned, texted or anything to ask whether me and the kids are OK, but he wants my mum and dad to check on him because he thinks he has it worst. It wasn't me that was unfaithful. I just don't get it. I think I am seriously missing something. I meet him with the kids for lunch today he was saying that he was looking at a bedsit coz he can't stay with his sister anymore and I said he can come home and he just glared at me and as he was leaving I told him he didn't have to punish himself anymore its OK and again he gave me a look that said that it was all my fault not his.

When I first found out, yes, I went mad and texted and phoned abuse at him, well I kind of think I was justified I had just found out my husband who I thought was going to be with me for life had been cheating on me, but i calmed down very quickly I think and now I'm OK however, that's what he's throwing back in my face, that I dared get angry with him, I just don't understand!

Any insight gratefully recieved.

[ilove]

He feels guilty and is projecting that guilt onto you.

[Iklboo]

Yes he's going on like ot's all your fault - it's what all most men do when they've been caught out cheating/being bastards
Does he want the bedsit so he can carry on his shenanigans?

[emmawil37]

Do reckon ilove? Its driving me crazy, it feels as if he is playing mind games on me, you see I'm a total open book, probably to much so, but he is just doing my head in. What do you think I should do?

[emmawil37]

He needs the bedsit for somewhere to live, he is still paying all the bills, etc for me and kids and only has enough money left for a bedsit.

[Rhubarb]

Tell them that he either grows up and accepts responsibility for what he did, or he can stay in the bloody bedsit!

I suppose he said it was because your sex life had dwindled? You weren't paying him much attention? They're all the same excuses you see.

HE advertised for sex, HE was willing to go ahead with that - did he? If you have a problem in your marriage, you sit down, you talk, you sort it out, you don't go and shagging around because you feel you're entitled to sex anyway!

He sounds like a right prick, sorry.

[Iklboo]

He doesn't need the bedsit if you've told him he can move back in
He either wants the bedsit to carry on carrying on or he doesn't feel ready to move back in yet

[LadyGlencoraPalliser]

I am sorry to say that it sounds like he is doing what a lot of cowardly men do when they want out of a relationship - trying to make you responsible for the break up.
Don't get sucked into his mind games, don't ask him to come back, just be detached and polite. He is obviously being completely irrational. When you say you have both agreed to wear your wedding rings again, who's idea was that - your's or his?
How much talking have you actually done about what happened. Has he explained his behaviour or taken responsibility for it in any way?
You need to do a lot of straight talking before you let him come home, by the sounds of things.

[emmawil37]

I don't know whether he actually did meet anyone or not, he refuses to talk to me about what he did, he says he just wants to see the kids and thats it, problem is he can't drive, we live out in a village therefore I have to be there when he wants to be with the kids.

The whole wedding thing was this all happened on a Monday when he came to see the kids on the sunday afterwards he still had his ring on, but I had taken mine off, so when he came to see the children the following week he had taken his ring off, I noticed it and he said i had taken mine off so thats why he took his off, childish eh? I said about wearing the rings again.

He has taken no responsbility for his actions and I think maybe he is running away as that is easier than being responsible. I just hate this I am left explaining everything to the kids and he's running like the hurt one, I just don't know!!!!!!!!

[Kimi]

Abused him by text did you, If it were me I would have kicked him from here to there and back.

He is a lowlife and he is trying to turn it all in to poor little me syndrome.

[Rhubarb]

Make a list.

He advertised for nsa sex.
He won't tell you if he was unfaithful or not - which has repercussions for your sexual health, did he use precautions?
He demanded to see the kids.
His family won't talk to you or show an interest in the children.
He is sulking because YOUR parents haven't asked how HE is.
You've said he can move back in, but he's too busy sulking.

You really want to give this man a second chance? Really? He is concerned about your or your safety. He could have had unprotected sex with other women, yet somehow that's not your business? Excuse me?

I think you need to take control of this situation and lay down a few rules.

He needs to be straight and honest with you about what he did and get himself checked out at an STD clinic.
He sees the kids at a time convenient to YOU.
He stays in the bloody bedsit, he chose to live there when he chose to cheat.
He agrees to go to Relate with you AND pay for it.

[Rhubarb]

"He isn't concerned" that should read.

How old is he anyway? 3?

[coppertop]

From an outsider's perspective it sounds to me as though he wants to live by himself. Not only does he get his freedom but he gets people thinking he's hard-done-by - or at least that's what he thought would happen. Realising that other people don't actually feel sorry for him has pissed on his pity party somewhat.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

Rhubarb is right.

All the time you are appearing to beg him to come home it gives him all the power. he should be on his knees begging your forgiveness.

[HolyGuacamole]

I'd think twice about taking him back. He sounds like he trying to make you feel sorry for him. He knows he has done wrong but won't face up to it. Any man in his shoes would be begging to be taken back and apologising till the cows come home.

And actually why does he think your parents should be concerned about him? That is a disgrace. Again, if he was any kind of man, he would be more concerned about what your parents view of him is, given that he has treated you appallingly.

He has turned it into you trying to win him back, when in fact it should be the opposite.

The fact that he won't be honest with you about the extent of his behaviour is a big fat flashing warning sign. It is all about him, he is the victim - in his eyes. He is attention seeking - all this talk of getting a bedsit - poor me.

Don't play into his hands, well not until he takes full 100% responsibility for his actions and starts trying (very hard) to win you back.

You say it was partly your fault - this is not true. At any point he could have came to you and said "look, we are having problems, we need to sort it out". He never did that, he went and advertised himself for sex on the internet whilst maintaining a relationship with you.

Be careful and good luck.

[Rhubarb]

Actually yes, that's right. How convenient that he now has a bedsit to invite his internet lady friends to.

[ABetaDad]

emmawil37 - you should not be thinking this:

"I believe that some of it was due to my fault to the extent that the relationship obviously had problems"

No it is not your fault. END OF.

[VinegarTits]

I agree with Rhubarb, dont let him turn this around on you, take your wedding ring back off, let him stay at the bedsit, let him come to you to see the dc(public transport)

Until he starts taking some responsibility for his actions, i would have nothing more to do with him, apart from access to the children. He's acting like a spoilt child

[emmawil37]

I really did think it was my place to try and win him back, he has had a lot of affairs and I always go running to him, I guess I have never had much confidence in myself. Even my 4 yr old said that she was glad daddy doesn't live with us everyday. I just really don't want to be by myself, especially with 2 dc under 5, I honesty don't think I can do it.

[VinegarTits]

Its not your place to win him back, bloody hell if he has had lots of affairs previously i would be preparing myself for a nice life without him, why are you letting this man treat you like a doormat?

[Rhubarb]

Yes you do, you already are. He's doing you a favour. If the children don't want him back, well then that should speak volumes to you.
Ask your family for help, they'll probably be glad to see the back of him. He sounds abusive and controlling. Of course you can live without him, he's just made you think you can't.

Seriously, if your 4yo dd doesn't want her daddy to live with you, then you've GOT to listen. Do what is right for your children. Believe me, once you realise that you can do it, your confidence will rise again and you'll rediscover yourself. Remember who you used to be before you met him? Well that person is still there, she never went away.

[OrmIrian]

Why do you want to win him back? That is what is confusing me. He's had lots of affairs, he was advertising for sex on the internet, he doesn't seem to care about the effect this has on you or his DC. I don't think he's worth having to be frank. Is he?

[GypsyMoth]

Emma of course you can do it!!!

Many of us do. There is alot of help and advice out there (and here)
Do you want your daughter growing up watching her dad have endless affairs?