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just lost my best friend due to ex partner :( feel so alone :(

(15 Posts)
missylea Wed 24-Jun-09 09:55:08

If any mns have read my recent threads they will sort of know the history of my relationship with ex p. The thing is my best friend is his sister.(which he currently lives with now as his gran asked him to move out and he went to live with his dad and ended up punching him so he asked him to leave) We did everything together. When myself and my ex fell out the aunt took his side (of course) i rang the police cause he kicked my front door and threatened to take my 7 week old baby and all this on xmas eve while my other 2 ds where in bed! but of course i was the worst person ever for ringing the police so his aunt hasnt spoken to me since.
Well his sister was inviting a few people over to her new house, this including the aunt, i was there all day with her and she didnt invite me or ask me to stay. I drove home that night with tears running down my face and really hurt cause i felt so let down.
Later on that evening i rang her and told her that i was extremely hurt that so didnt ask me to stay and i said that i would never do anything to hurt her and i felt really left out of things. She apologised and said she wasnt much of a friend if she made me feel that way. I said it was ok but i just needed to tell her how i felt.
I called to her house yesterday and there was this awkwardness between us and as i left i gave her a hug and i said sorry if i'd upset her in any way with what i'd said.
I sent her a text when i left saying i didnt want there to be awkwardness and that she meant alot to me, she didnt text back!
My ex p rang about baby and asked what was going on with his sis and i explained what happened and that i texted her and she didnt reply, next thing i know i received a text from her saying that we couldnt be friends anymore and things werent the same between us and the closeness had gone and that she couldnt cope with the negetivity. I am absolutely devastated! my ex p texted yest saying that i was an outcast of his family cause of my attitude and behaviour! She was the only real friend i had as i dont have family of my own. I feel totally lost and alone and to make matters worse my ex p has been texting saying u brought this all on yourself and i have tried so hard to make things work with you, twisting things to make me feel bad. He is constantly texting about ds and saying that we have to be civil for his sake and as 2 adults be there for him as my other 2 ds never had that from their father.. what a cheap low blow! GRhhhhh!!!!! Sorry i just needed to let of some steam, i know this is long so thank you for sticking it out.

ginnny Wed 24-Jun-09 10:08:03

I haven't read any of your previous threads but I'm so sorry you are going through this.
It will be hard for your ex's sister as her loyalties are going to be divided.
Maybe in time when things have settled down you and her can resume your friendship, but for now I think all you can do is keep your distance and make lots of new friends on MN smile.
He sounds like a real piece of work - don't let him twist things. You know what is right - hold on to that.

2rebecca Wed 24-Jun-09 10:13:11

I think you've been unrealistic expecting to go to big social events at your friend's where other relatives will be there so soon after the split. It is natural that her first loyalty is to her brother. Why did you hang around your friend's house all day if you weren't invited to stay?
It sounds as though you need to wait until things are more civil between you and your ex who is right that you need to stay civil for the sake of the baby and let him have reasonable access to his daughter. Try meeting new people so you are less relient on 1 person and contact her in a few months when you are less negative about her brother.

Overmydeadbody Wed 24-Jun-09 10:19:13

I think you need to give it much more time.

Of course she is going to side with her brother, that is where her loyslties lie and I would always be more loyal to family above friends.

Just back off and leave it for now. Maybe in the future when her brother and you have got over each other and moved on you can rebuild a friendship with her.

QueenofVenus Wed 24-Jun-09 10:21:18

missylea - (((((hugs))))) i have been in a very similar position (still am to a certain extent), firstly, people that behave in this way are not good people, you dont need people like that, people would say this to me when i went through it, and it was little or no consolation, you will feel like something they have just scraped off their shoe! you will feel so very very low, lack self-confidence and you will obsess about it sometimes if not alot, BUT i am a couple of years down the line now, and i have struggled to understand how i can be so quickly and easily disposed of, and its been hard, but i have learned so very many lessons, i have realised qualities of people, good people who are worth a damn, will not dispose of you easily, or because of what other people say/think, from my perspective my friends (two of them) were my whole social life, my first port of call when i was sad, stressed, excited, happy etc etc we went on holidays together, they were there with me when i found out i was pregnant - i never thought in a million years that for no good genuine reason, i would be an outcast sad i see them every day when i take my kids to school and i have to walk past them both chatting and laughing and they wont even make eye contact with me, so i still have it rubbed in my face daily, but i have gained unbelieveable strength from all of this and so will you! You need to find your strength, you are a good decent, and very worthy person, and these people have shown they have no capacity to cope when things get tough, and unfortunatley life by its very nature is bloody tough sometimes and of people/friends weaken and wimp out at the slightest 'thing' then you really dont need them!! Friends arent just there for giggles and shopping they are there when you are neck deep in shit and the worlds kicking your ass, and they are there to pull you out, rescue you, clean you up, make u a cuppa and let you sob uncontrollably on there shoulder when the need arises!! Mourn the loss of the friendship - its an awful time, let the anger and tears and frustration out, and try try TRY hard to accept that she was not the person that you thought she was, and that you deserve and will have proper friends who truly give a damn!!! Let her go.

AMumInScotland Wed 24-Jun-09 10:36:41

I'm sorry but it does sound like you're putting your friend in an awkward position where she has to choose either her family or you. Of course you feel it should be you, because her brother and aunt are in the wrong, but with families these things can often become a case of "taking sides" which would put her in a terrible position of having to fall out with her entire family over it.

If she was inviting her aunt to the new house, of course she couldn't invite you as well when the aunt isn't speaking to you.

If you hadn't made a big deal about it, she cuold probably have continued to be friends but just make sure she didn't have you both round at the same time. But you made her feel she had to choose, and it's hard to choose against family whatever you think of them.

I think you need now to focus on making new friends, with people who have no connection with your ex.

junglist1 Wed 24-Jun-09 11:35:57

I understand what she said about negativity. It sounds like she tried to keep you in her life and please everyone, then you started pushing it. How could she have had you and the aunt round if there's a problem between you? It sounds like she just got fed up of the whole thing. If I was you I'd apologise for expecting too much at an awkward time, and suggest you meet up to talk it over. She should never have been made to feel guilty for trying to keep everyone happy. That sounds harsh but could be her perspective on the situation, and if you want to make up you'll have to be aware of this.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 24-Jun-09 11:41:52

Agree with what others have said - give her some space and if you can. only see her with no family around. Don't expect to stay part of the family, apart from exp's sister they sound mad as a box of frogs. Why, though, are you telling exp what went on with his sister? Looks like he has gone straight to her and stirred the pot, hence her message sying it was too messy. Keep him out of your friendship if possible, and make it your priority to show her you want to be her friend without dragging her into stuff or expecting the impossible.

mrsboogie Wed 24-Jun-09 12:27:35

hmmm.. I do remember your previous threads and I always read them because I think you are so strong in not just falling back into a relationship with this horrible abusive man. I also know that your friend knew how much of a b*stard her brother is and what he has done in the past so its not so simple as her being loyal to her brother.

But you know that he has probably worked on her to split you up because he thinks this will weaken you. He is really annoyed that you have stood up to him and not taken his cr*p and had the cheek to finish with him. It seems you were allowed to have her as your friend when it suited him and now he has put the boot in.

Well, two things: firstly I know it won't feel like it but it may be a good thing in some ways that you have lost this link with his family - as it gives him some power over you. Also if she was that easily put off then she wasn't so much of a friend in the first place. Maybe she will coe round in the future when she realises that her loyalties should not lie with him.

You sound like your life is very hard at the moment and not where you wanted it to be. Maybe you depended a little too much on her?

Please remember that any man who tells you that he will not treat your two children as well as his own and that they should come second best in everything because they are not biologically his, while his child is favoured is NOT a good person to be with. You know this and that's why you kicked him out.

Stay strong now and work on improving your own sense of self worth. I think you are a lovely person who is very strong and doing the best for her kids in difficult circumstances.

Believe me the key to you getting your life the way you want it is to keep strong and build your self esteem - if you value yourself and see how much you are worth it will stop you from getting together with the wrong sort of man in future. Don't depend on others - at the moment you have to be your own best friend. Do not let this horrible family distress you or suck you back in because it is easier than fighting them. What is important is you and your kids.

This will pass missy - everything does, and what comes next depends on you. Onward and upward!

missylea Wed 24-Jun-09 15:48:29

Thank you for all your replies. Mrs boogie you have followed me through the journey of this relationship ending and becoming abusive. Yes you are right his sister witnessed him abusing me by spitting in my face and calling me a c**t. She would say that i cant believe he treats you that way and knows the way he is.
I was down in her new house helping her clean and tidy when it was mention that the aunt was coming for a few drinks later that night so i knew i wasnt welcome cause she didnt ask if i wanted to stay.
I think i really have depended on her alot, we went shopping together, out for coffee, out for a few drinks on a saturday night she really was like my best buddy but it has cut me to the bone that i was just disregarded and left out.
I did actually apologise to her the next day when i seen her and gave her a hug but then she ignored my text and it was only when i was talking to my ex p about it did she text back and then he came to the house and called me a bullying wee c**t! and it was all my fault that i was a total outcast from his family.
I just feel i only have my boys and no one else and so dont know what to do with myself.
I know she didnt want to discuss her brother so i made an effort not to talk about him or the relationship. I dont know if i could be friends with her again after just being able to dump me like that. Im not very good at forgiving

Aeschylus Wed 24-Jun-09 16:09:16

Lonliness (that is spelt wrong I think) is a very powerful emotion, your ex-p should be ashamed, as it sounds like he took advantage of that....

I have to say, if it was me and all his family is now dead against you, I would move away, I appreciate he needs access, so stay within 100 miles if you like....

or if you want to just be evil, start dropping it into conversation

missylea Wed 24-Jun-09 16:21:17

I dont live really that close to them and very few of them drive. I drive so i was the one driving them about to get what they needed all the time obviously cause i enjoyed the company as well and didnt mind and she was my friend and thats what friends do. He knows damn rightly that i have no one only my boys.

mrsboogie Wed 24-Jun-09 18:54:49

That was probably one of the attractions missy, if you had an extensive network of family and friends around you would have been harder to bully and manipulate (in his opinion). Being lonely may have made you vulnerable and wanting so much to have a family for your boys that you didn't look too closely at his faults. You must look within yourself to find what you need to make you happy and not depend on anyone else to do it. When you can do that you will be able to tell whether a man is worthy of you and find a happy relationship.

I know that sounds so hard at the moment but
only you can help yourself and I am sure you can do it. If you didn't have the strenght you would still be with him now.

You need to make some new friends that have nothing to do with your ex and who will not be influenced by him.

How old are your boys? Do you get any time to yourself?

missylea Wed 24-Jun-09 21:28:13

hi mrs boogie my boys are 11,8 and 8 months. Yes i am fortunate that i do get time to myself, he takes the baby every day for a few hours and every weekend which i know is very very good. My other 2 boys stay over 1 night a week at their dads house and that when i used to go out with my ex p sister now i will not know what to do with myself although i really do enjoy the time to myself and the peace and quiet. I know i am lucky that i get that as there are many woman out there who dont get a minute to themselves and the fathers have no interest. You are right i did so much want a family for my boys as i didnt have that as a child myself and i felt so guilty leaving my ex husband and breaking up that family but it wasnt worth staying and being miserable and i was very young when i married him and i just grew outta him.
Its hard when people say what makes u happy.. any hobbies or interests.. i really cant answer that cause my life has just revolved around my children and work at the time as i split from my husband when my middle son was only 1 so didnt have much time for anything. I dont work anymore as took my redundancy when just found out i was pregnant with ds3 so never got another job which i suppose is a big thing too, getting out to work and being in adult company but im getting used to being a sahm now.
Its like how do you meet new friends, i wouldnt even no where to start! The boys are finished school soon for summer holidays so i cant even go to mother and toddler group as they close for the summer and the older boys wouldnt be able to go anyways.

missylea Thu 25-Jun-09 21:51:36

anymore words of comfort or advice still feel down and sad

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