I want out of this relationship. DH is very controlling and a bully. He refuses to do things with DC such as homework, swimming lessons, parties etc. He does nothing around the house and expects to be waited on hand and foot. I work 0.5wte he works full time so expect to do more but no put up with so much abuse. If I ask for help eg get drinks at the weekend when I have cooked a meal the answer is no if I refuse to do something i get mouthfuls of abuse. he refuses counselling well why would he want to go he migt have to change. We sleep in seperate rooms, he tries to ban my family from visting and says if i leave he will fight me for custody. i just want out. i love it when he is away no creeping round at the weekends whilst he has lie in etc. will he get custody I could not bear to loose my children but can't stand this for another 13 years till they are 18
Thank you for replying. He claims he will say I am violent he broke his wrist afew years and claims he will use it as evidence he has a responsible job I ams o scared he can be charming and convincing. he switches as soon as we ae alone Sorry for the typing tears keep getting in the way
Hi there, just wanted to say how sad I am for you and your situation. I would recommend getting some independant legal advice (and I; hoping very soon that other MN's will reply to this who know more about the best place to go for this advice). Surely the best for you AND your children is a happy calm and respectful household, which sounds like that can only happen without him. I even wonder whether the custody thing is an empty threat considering he has so little to do with them (from what you've said in your post). Sounds like a method of control. Get yourself some good profesisonal advice and go with your instincts. Good luck and keep coming back if you need to talk.
My H is -- was, controling in the same way. He has walke out now, selfish b*stard, but i have to say, as hurt as i am, in a way i am almost relieved, there were many reasons why i never packed before (MANY!!!) but now he has gone they no longer seem important.
They have no evidence you broke his arm so he would get away with that Try and be strong!
I think its time to take control, the thing it sounds like you've been sorely lacking. An exit strategy based on some sound advice and clear steps you can take I think could go a long way to helping your confidence and lifting you from such a low point. You've made a great start coming here and although I can't guarantee any of us are experts here, at least exploring your feelings is a great place to start. Think some practical steps may help you focus on a future rather than trapped in teh present
I think that is so true I don't want to upset him so just do things I feel so worn down and unworthy. I think this weekend myself and the children will go and spend a night in alocal hotel and have fun to ahke him up a bit
He'll be difficult and continue to try controlling, but you can get shot of him, and it's unlikely he'd be awarded custody/residence. You can probably stay in the house with your DC, at least until they're out of full-time education, and I don't think anyone is going to pay any heed to a ludicrous claim that you broke his wrist.
Others will know a lot more - but I just wanted to take some of the pressure off.
I think you were saying that you're the primary care giver? This goes a long way as far as the courts go.
Just trying to set your mind at rest. There'll be others along soon who can help you more than I.
(I, luckily, woke up one morning and said "ENOUGH" I'd literally had a gutsfull of his shit. I wasn't scared of him anymore. This advice is MY OWN EXPERIENCE, lots of people need lots of help and support, and I fully realise that DV can suddenly escalate)
Please get legal advice before going - I really do think you're entitled to the house (or at least your DC are entitled to their home) and it'll be less disruptive for your DC if daddy goes than if they have to move in with your family, and move on again, maybe having to change schools etc.
Ring Women's aid tomorrow, they can give you advice on every aspect and I can guarantee they have heard stories like yours a hundred times before.
Many also run legal surgeries there every week where you can have an initial appointment for free with a solicitor that has experience in dealing with domestic abuse (and it is abuse that you and your children are enduring)
Thank you guys what worries me is when he has the children for access. I went to ashow last weekend first time he had had both of them on his own for a yeaar. he rang me 7 times and they hated me going
a solicitor told me that for a mum to lose custody of the children she would have to be lying in the gutter with a bottle of meths. There is no need to worry if you have had problems in the past either, all that matters is how you are raising the children now. You would get custody.