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At wits end, please please help/advise :( so sorry if its long :(

(8 Posts)
QueenofVenus Tue 23-Jun-09 20:26:34

Dp has joint custody of his ds, he and his ex have a VERY bitter hatred for each other, if he sets a single toe on her property, she gets her solicitor to send him a letter telling him off, so once or twice he has reversed his car half onto her drive just to p**s her off, then he's shocked when she sends him a txt saying dont put your piece of sh*t car on my drive again and on and on its goes, he has waved and said hiya mate to his ds when he's being dropped off at school by his mother and she wraps herself round their ds so they cant see each other angry they are unbelievably petty, and he persistently acts so shocked when she causes trouble, this is how it always is between them, and even her mother gets involved, if she see's me and my dp has forgotten to send something back with his ds when he's with his mum i get an absolute mouthful and all this has been going on LONG before i met him, anyway, he recently after spending months and months telling me how his ex's new partner is a scary nutcase, (and he certainly looks very very scary - lots of peircings, tatoo's etc, and a major reputaion for all kinds of bad stuff) dp got in touch with social services and told them about info he had on his ex's partner and how he had held a knife to his own daughters throat, how he had an email from an ex-school teacher who knew the situation, and she had walked home from school behind dp's ds and this new partner and listened to him calling him little f*cker move it you little sh*t and so on and so on. Social services have investigated things and asessed dp's ds extensively - they have said he is MORE then fine, he is very very happy, settled secure, confident and very bright clever well adjusted little boy, (he is just about to turn 6 by the way) even his school teachers have said he's great, they have no concerns at all about him - brilliant news i think! - dp does not, and after the case worker from social services told us she had no concerns at all and was going to happily close this case he still argues with her about what damage might be done to his ds at 'some point' what about his ex's attitude towards him (my dp), you could tell the poor social worker just thought 'he needs to get a grip' she left and said she would be sending her final report in and that would be that. Dp has been grumpy ever since, he says he thinks she was "abit wet behind the ears and didnt know what she was talking about" he has said since, that he's just waiting for them (his ex and her partner) to 'slip up' etc, he's just not going to be happy until they have done something and then he can take his ex back to court, WHY cant he see that his son is happy (a bloody miracle i think) and that just because they hate each other, doesnt mean his son needs help angry today my ds and his ds (in the same class at school) had football practice, he isnt due to come to us until tommorow, so his nann was there to pick him up, afterwards he won a little medal and my dp wanted to go over and congratulate him (understandably) but his nanna saw him coming and pulled his ds away and headed for the exit (i expect she just doesnt know how to handle the situation sometimes) and dp just said "err wait please i want to talk to my son" and he quickly hugged and said well done mate to him, and they parted, but when we got home he bitched and moaned about that silly old cow and the way she pulled his ds away from him, its not on, what message is she giving him etc etc. He has gone to work tonight and we have parted with a right old row, ive finally had enough, i have said he knows the outcome of any contact between his ex or her mother when his ds is with them, i know he wants to say hello and well done, but he MUST accept he'll get some kind of 'reaction' if and when he does, he cant have his cake and eat it, he either doesnt go over and speak to him, or he does and expects 'issues' and he cant pace around ranting EVERY single time he does get a reaction, ive had less then a year of this and even i know what reaction he's going to get should he make ANY contact with his ds when he is with his mum or nanna, yet he'll wave at him and say "hiya" in front of his ex (its not what he wants but he could discretley wave and mouth "hiya" when he catches his eye) im so so sick and tired of the episodes, and 'events' that can be avoided if one of them just bloody grew up, he has stormed off to work saying i dont support him and he muttered some inaudible 'somethings' (insults i can assume) as he left. I dont know what im suppsed to support sad im so fed-up of the constant battles that go on, i, like most people that know the situation, think they all need to bloody grow up and just make things work for their ds's sake sad. i cant describe how stressed i feel right now, he's so angry at a situation he could have just avoided by waiting til tommorow (when we pick him up) to say well done to his son, if he cant wait then he should expect trouble from 'her side' WTF is so hard to understand about that angry

QueenofVenus Tue 23-Jun-09 20:27:55

Yikes - sorry, that is long, guess i needed to vent blush

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 23-Jun-09 20:30:26

Not sure what you want advice on tbh.

If you do long posts, could you use paragraphs please. It makes it very hard to read.

OptimistS Tue 23-Jun-09 20:35:41

QOV, I can totally understand why this is driving you mad! What a horrible situation to be in.

Can I ask what your relationship is like with DP? I could be way off base here and I'm truly sorry if I cause offence, but TBH your DP's behaviour towards his X is typical of an abusive man when combined with the other examples you have given where he seems to think that everyone else is in the wrong and he is blameless.

Alternatively, I guess his X could be so deranged that coping with her behaviour for so long has driven him over the edge...

I think you're absolutely right about having a discussion with him about how he's going to handle things. He can't alter his X's behaviour but he can choose how to respond to things. If he can't or won't do that, you either have to accept that this is what it's going to be like forevermore, or you leave.

Sorry that's not really helpful, but I do sympathise.

QueenofVenus Tue 23-Jun-09 21:06:47

Thanks optimists, i have known him (casually) for years but only been in a relationship with him since last august, we live together now and he is (as far as i can know so far) a good man, from what other people say that know them both well, he has done his best, thier marriage ended because she had an affair, he left the family home for the sake of his ds, and she has done nothing but take him to the cleaners ever since. im sure he has had enough, but he causes such a fuss over their behavior towards him like he expects them to say hi there, how are you - they HATE him, they have always and probably will always go out there way to be rude and offensive and cause trouble re his ds, and any time he HAS to (or chooses) to approach them re his ds, why why why does he get so sooooo furious and crazed when they, as expected, ARE rude and offensive etc. There perhaps isnt anything anyone can advise me to do or say, maybe its just such an enormous mess that, it needs to clear itself up eventually, i guess im just hurt that i have supported him at great lengths over the last almost year, with solicitors, courts, tears worries etc, i have never ever done anything but support him, but as for gong to talk to his son when he's with his mum or nanna and then going mad because they are rude to him, im just at a loss as to how he expects anything else from them, and now i have said as much he's stormed off and claimed im unsupportive sad

OptimistS Tue 23-Jun-09 22:39:30

Do you know for definite that she had an affair? I only ask because my X and I had known each other for years too before we got together. Because of that, I made the mistake of assuming that everything he'd told me before we got together was true. Later, I realised that the truth was very different. I also realised that the people that corroborated his story had only ever really heard his version of events, not hers, but because they were decent people, I assumed they were speaking the truth also... I'm only harping on about this because I have trouble believing that a man behavjng like your DP is perfectly reasonable in every other area of his life.

However, if I'm wrong and his bad behaviour is a result of his X's bad behaviour (although that's still not a valid excuse) and poor people skills, I can't see that you can do much else. Sometimes people don't really want support, they just want a sympathetic ear. Offering solutions is taken as not understanding how bad the problem makes them feel. Maybe you should stop trying to make things right and just listen and sympathise? If he's a decent person, eventually he will come round and be ready for the conversation about what he's going to do about it to make it better for DS in the future. How long have they been split up? It can sometimes take a few years for bitterness to settle, and sadly in some failed relationships it never does. Are you prepared to put up with this for the rest of your DSS's childhood?

SolidGoldBrass Tue 23-Jun-09 22:45:58

I'm afraid I'm another one who is hearing alarm bells about this man. Though, on the other hand, the fact that his DS is a happy, well adjusted little boy does suggest that your P is not seriously abusive. But he does sound like a right knobber - he is provoking his XW regularly, and it's no good ranting about her behaviour when he is being just as stupid and childish. One of them ought to behave like a grown up.

HolyGuacamole Tue 23-Jun-09 22:52:13

There are always two sides to every story and I'd guess if you were in such a situation where you could hear his exp's side, then you might be a bit shock that maybe he is not an angel?

I dunno, my whole feeling thru your posts is that one day he might treat you like that? Or, that you might be so bitter with him, that you treat him with the contempt that he is getting from his ex.

He is putting his arguments with her above the child (as is she) and that is not good. I think there is more to this story than you know about?

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