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Is this acceptable behaviour?

(20 Posts)
whatafoolbelieves Tue 23-Jun-09 17:53:54

Namechange as DH knows MN name.

DH is a typical bloke. A real guys guy. Plays competitive cricket, rugby, goes out drinking etc.

This past week, he was out Friday night (spent the night at friends) Saturday night (stayed out all night) and off to spend the night at his sister's as they are doing a BBQ. (not that me and the DCs ever get invited hmm)

Mainly, I am deeply unhappy. I feel ignored, neglected and generally alone. I feel terribly lonely a lot of the time, and taken for granted.

yes, I have tried talking to DH, but he flies off the handle and says, 'fine, I won't ever go out...' and find that I need the space as we argue almost constantly when he's here.

He can get extremely moody and sulks.

We have 2 young DDs. He's an OK father. Not brilliant, and not really involved. He tends to watch TV with them.

On the positive side, he does want me to be happy, but acts like a teenager. We don't sleep in the same bedroom. He says that DD keeps him awake, although he snores very loudly which he won't deal with.

I really don't think he is having an affair as I know where he is when he goes out. There also aren't any other patterns of missed calls, strange phone calls, he leaves his email on all the time etc.

Is it that we are just so incompatible and he's just a party guy?

FiveGoMadInDorset Tue 23-Jun-09 17:55:10

NO

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 23-Jun-09 17:55:52

No, I think he is treating you badly and you are letting him tbh.

Make some choices and then tell him what you want.

SammyK Tue 23-Jun-09 18:00:10

No it's not acceptable behaviour, DP is very sociable and I am not so much but when we had ds he had to sacrifice that social time. He has maybe a 'boys' night once a fortnight, and we have a night out with other family members over the weekend usually. Being petulant and saying 'fine I won't go out at all then' is just daft.

Do you get time alone without the dds? Do you and him socialise as a couple? Do you have special time together as a family? He sounds very selfish sorry.

SammyK Tue 23-Jun-09 18:01:16

No it's not acceptable behaviour, DP is very sociable and I am not so much but when we had ds he had to sacrifice that social time. He has maybe a 'boys' night once a fortnight, and we have a night out with other family members over the weekend usually. Being petulant and saying 'fine I won't go out at all then' is just daft.

Do you get time alone without the dds? Do you and him socialise as a couple? Do you have special time together as a family? He sounds very selfish sorry.

whatafoolbelieves Tue 23-Jun-09 18:06:20

He asks 'permission' to go out, which I have told him is problematic for me as it places me in the role of his mother rather than being with someone as an equal...

Lately though, he has been just announcing he's going places and doing things.

No, we don't go out as a couple as we don't really have the same friends. He feels intimidated intellectually by my friends, which is a bit of a hoot as they mainly talk sports/food/drink when they see him.

Suppose what I find humiliating is that he would choose to have someone else's company than mine. sad

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 23-Jun-09 18:07:56

What are you going to do?

Life is too short to be unhappy.

aGalChangedHerName Tue 23-Jun-09 18:10:16

Why are you not invited to his sisters BBQ?

SammyK Tue 23-Jun-09 18:22:16

I sometimes feel like that, 'am I such terrible company' in my DP's case I think it's that he doesn't like his own company if that makes sense. Would rather be busy actively socialising than being happy at home.

By asking your permission you either say no and have the baddie role, or say yes and feel resentful. He will know full well how you will feel as I'm assuming you have discussed it before?

If you were to say to him that you had one night a week to go out, he had one, and you had a night a week that you alternated as couple/family night how would he react?

He has a wife and two children he is not a carefree bachelor!

clam Tue 23-Jun-09 18:27:56

OK, so how would you like it to be?

Sit down (when he's out. Shouldn't be difficult grin) and write down a statement of your life in an ideal world, e.g. DH and I eat dinner together every evening, and chat about our day over a glass of wine together. He goes out with his mates once a week, and we socialise together at..... wherever..... blah-de-blah. Don't write it with the thought that anyone else will ever see it or you won't be truthful.

Make it as detailed as you can. Before you can get what you want you need to know what you want.

Then compare it with what you have. And then comes the tricky part of working out how to reconcile the two!

whatafoolbelieves Tue 23-Jun-09 18:29:44

Not really sure why me and the DCs never get invited for a BBQ. DH tends to invite himself over there at short notice. It's about 50 miles away, and I don't like spending the night there....

He's off to Scotland with mates next week for a week, so will have a think about things then.

AnyFucker Tue 23-Jun-09 18:51:59

blimey, he lives a single bloke's life as far as I can see

you are effectively a single parent

he needs a kick up the arse

he is not single and he has responsibilities

although at the moment, you seem to be absolving him of them because you don't get on too well when you are together

some couples are happy like this, but it doesn't sound like you are....

BarnMummy Tue 23-Jun-09 19:06:42

Did you socialise together before you had the DDs? i.e. has his pattern of behaviour (which I would say is completely unacceptable) changed, or did he always go out / to his sisters leaving you at home?

I like Clam's suggestion for setting down what you want, but if you are hoping for a change in his behaviour, I think you need to know whether you are changing a lifetime of selfishness, or whether this is relatively recent.

I think some guys can react to the birth of children and the loss of the full attention of their spouse by behaving in a childishly jealous fashion - could this be what is happening here? Or is it more deep-seated?

SolidGoldBrass Tue 23-Jun-09 19:10:30

Bot acceptable at all, he has decided that he is the 'person' in your household, and you are the domestic appliance and childcare provision.
Arrange a night out with friends for yourself and tell him that he is looking after the DC that night. You are both entitled to equal amounts of child-free, chore-free time, otherwise you're his servant/mother, not his partner.

HolyGuacamole Tue 23-Jun-09 19:29:41

The fact that you're not welcome or invited to join him is dodgy. I mean everyone needs their nights out and 'me' time but it does seem like he is out having a whale of a tim while you are the sensible one at home taking care of business.

I think you need to change your boundaries and challenge him to have his 50% responsibility for his family.

HolyGuacamole Tue 23-Jun-09 19:29:53

time

whatafoolbelieves Tue 23-Jun-09 21:36:04

He was saying that he goes out less than he used to hmm hmm

He's not gonna change, is he?

SolidGoldBrass Tue 23-Jun-09 21:39:09

But how often do you get to go out, WAFB? That's the crucial point: that you are entitled to child-free, chore-free time to do things that you enjoy. Have you said this to him that it's not that you mind him going out with his friends, it's just that you want some free time as well.

Spero Tue 23-Jun-09 21:43:03

What anyfucker says.

This was my situation. Ex did not act like we were a family and got grumpy and resentful when I tried to point this out.

Of course you don't have to do everything together all the time, that would be equally unhealthy... but this isn't acceptable, its making you unhappy so you have to decide whether a) you put up with this unhappiness because it is less than the unhappiness that would be caused by a break up or b) you challenge him to work with you to sort this out and run the risk that this will end the relationship.

I take the view that if he does love you and values you and his family, he will want to make an effort so you can come up with a middle ground that you both can accept. If he won't work with you, I have to quesition the nature and extent of his love and commitment and think that you and the children deserve better.

whoisasking Tue 23-Jun-09 22:06:48

I love clam's suggestion.

"Suppose what I find humiliating is that he would choose to have someone else's company than mine."

WAFB, this struck such resonance with me. I remember wondering "Why? Why doesn't he want to be with me and the children?" I mean, in absolute truth, the family thing? It's hard work isn't it? It's drudgery, it's cleaning and children demanding something, or nothing. It's cooking, it's tiredness, it's slumping in front of the T.V blindly watching something crap. It's all of those things.

It's also wonderful! My XH missed all the wonderful. He was out ALL the time. He missed all the funny little things that happened, he missed all my cues, he missed out on our family. And now it's too late.

We couldn't work through it, he couldn't do it, and I was prepared to wait for him to grow the fuck up. He regrets it all. Tough shit, buster.

Ugh, sorry, got carried far into the past!

"On the positive side, he does want me to be happy, but acts like a teenager. We don't sleep in the same bedroom. He says that DD keeps him awake, although he snores very loudly which he won't deal with"

These are your positives? Really? I'm sure you deserve better

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