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Living nextdoor to your ex - great idea or bound to be hell?

(20 Posts)
Scrumplet Tue 23-Jun-09 13:44:40

I ask because the home my ex and I still co-own (but won't for much longer, because the current plan is for me to buy him out) could easily be divided in two, and two comfortable homes created. And the garden, too.

There would be financial benefits for us, and benefits for DS too, who would have both his parents close by and could pop between us with much less fuss and packing up than is usual in these situations. We could each be on hand to babysit for the other.

The downsides are plentiful, though: tougher to keep new partners out of DS's life until they are a permanent fixture; new partners might well hate the arrangement; witnessing my womanising ex's lady friends coming and going outside my window, hearing his friends in the garden, etc; the close-knit village we live in making it impossible to have enough space and separation between our lives.

Hmm. It's not sounding good, is it? But I can imagine some separated couples managing this - and I suppose I have to work out if we're one of them. Any general thoughts on this idea? Thanks.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 23-Jun-09 13:52:34

It depends a bit how bad the breakup was, and why. If it's simply that he isn't monogamous, you can get over that in time ie when it isn't your problem any longer who he is shagging. If he was violent or something then it's perhaps less of a good idea,.
YOu and him would have to talk it over in depth, really: if you both think you could make it work then it might be worth a try. People do conduct their relationships in a variety of ways, and what's important is what works for you, not what other people think.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Tue 23-Jun-09 13:57:20

I could happily live next door to my ex's current partner but think I might kill him if I lived next door to him not constructive I know sorry)
I do know a couple that when they first seperated were at each others throats and now share their lives happily as friends he stays over at hers for christmas, he takes her for her weekly shop, she cooks for him. She was great pals with his now late 2nd wife and it works for them.

Actually what I said wasn't true at the start I could live happily next door to my ex but I don't think he could live next door to me but in an ideal world we sould get along well wnough to do something like that.

BlackEyedDogstar Tue 23-Jun-09 13:58:22

It sounds ideal to me. You can share childcare more simply, keep stability for your ds.

If you get on well with your ex ( I loathe nearly all my exs so it would be horrendous for me to do this grin)and aren't secretly hoping for a reconciliation etc etc then I think it could be a good solution.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 23-Jun-09 14:12:24


What are you thinkinghmm?????. Its a bloody awful idea and after all that has transpired between you two as wellshock!!!.

You need to further toughen up more. He still has you on a emotioanl chain, a chain partly of your own making because you have allowed it.

I have read posts about your ex partner and he is an ex for very good reason (ex's often are). He has messed with your head previously and will be more than happy to mess with your son's as well. You cannot, absolutely cannot, be complicit in that.

You need to separate mentally and physically in terms of distance from this man. Not living next door to each other!!!.

dittany Tue 23-Jun-09 14:17:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coalman Tue 23-Jun-09 14:23:13

When we were children there was an ex couple on our street who lived next door to each other. Was handy for the children to run between houses, etc.

HOWEVER, they moved there long, long after separating, so were firmly established as ex's first.

Strongly advise against this.

Scrumplet Tue 23-Jun-09 14:23:20

Thanks for posts. No hopes or wishes for reconciliation here. Obviously pluses and minuses to this, and it's a positive idea for some and not for others. And probably not for me - Attila, I hear you! Really I do. I'm just thinking out loud with this post and planning nothing.

While my ex has messed with my head, I really don't believe he will mess with my son's. They have a completely different kind of relationship. And my ex's mental health problems are like a mirage - are they there or are they not? At the moment, he seems absolutely fine. But of course it hasn't always been like this, and may not remain so.

I think you're right. The more time passes, and the less I see of him, the better we get along - which is great, and would likely be turned upside down if we ended up seeing more of each other again through living nextdoor to each other. It would (could) be lovely for DS, and as I said, a financial help, but that's not enough. OK, question answered.

dittany Tue 23-Jun-09 14:25:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Portofino Tue 23-Jun-09 14:26:57

Oh no!!! <<shudders and runs away>>

HighOnDieselAndGasoline Tue 23-Jun-09 14:27:12

I have a very amicable relationship with my XP, and he lives close by. But I am not sure that I wold want to live next to him, and I am not sure this would be best for DD either. I did toy with the idea at the start, but decided in the end it would be too messy.

I think it's good for children to be clear about when they are seeing each parent. I wouldn't want DD to ask to go next door to see Daddy, and have to say no because he was working, or otherwise engaged.

This way, she knows (or will know, she is too little atm) that certain days she is with Daddy and certain days with me, and there is no uncertainty.

feelingpositivemum Tue 23-Jun-09 14:32:29

On a positive note, I'm in the process of buying the house opposite to my soon to be x! We have four kids and whilst we had a very stormy relationship now that we have decided to split a new calm has taken over! We both want to see the kids loads and because there are so many they need ferrying about a bit so sharing seems a lot easier.

We have discussed it a lot and are hopeful it will work and hopefully for the kids it will be easier than travelling backwards and forwards. Whilst the kids are small, I admit it isn't completely splitting but it's a start and I know that once they get older I will be able to separate more.
And I would quite cheerfully have a coffee with any new partner and quietly sympathise!

So, I wouldn't dismiss it! Good Luck.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 23-Jun-09 15:16:33

OK I don't know your history, but if your XP is the undiagnosed bipolar one (I remember that thread but didn't remember who it was about) then this is a dreadful idea: you will end up being his unpaid carer (again) and it will be as though you had never split up except that he will treat you with even less consideration (because you are 'not his partner' means you will become more like his mum, there to look after him while he does exactly what he wants).

LadyOfWaffle Tue 23-Jun-09 15:26:29

What about when he moves on, possibly marry and have other children... your DS would have that in his face.

Aeschylus Tue 23-Jun-09 15:30:30

some woman on the Wright Stuff this week said couples spiltting up, but staying living together is very common now, due to financial issues....

mamas12 Tue 23-Jun-09 19:01:18

Don't do it. I could forsee a lot of misunderstanding re: practical things eg one of you (ex) presuming as you are in they could go out and so on.
It is fraught with problems in my view and it smacks a little of control ir keeping an eye on you .
No, get your own space between you, I meand that is the whole point of splitting up isn't it?

Blu Tue 23-Jun-09 19:17:34

I think it would be very hard for the children to be told that Daddy / Mummy is next door, in what used to be the same house, but no, cannot and will not see yu now because it isn't his / her tur to look after you / may have private activities ion progress etc.

It would be natural for children to expect to run freely between homes, and perhaps to feel rejected if not allowed to at certain times.

Move on, move him out

HolyGuacamole Tue 23-Jun-09 19:26:46

I couldn't do it. I wouldn't want to be lumbered with associated feelings of new partners, living in each others pockets and not really having your own privacy. I think some people can make it work but for me personally it would be too close for comfort. And I say that in the same way that I wouldn't want to live next door to any of my family or close friends, it goes beyond the fact that he is an ex.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

ToughDaddy Tue 23-Jun-09 20:00:28

As you point out, this could be a pragmatic solution that has financial advs and could work for the kids. I think that it could be an idea to have some sort of (written?) agreement about "house rules" with your ex although he would in fact be a legal neighbour. Just my first thought.

Kimi Tue 23-Jun-09 20:18:21

How do you and he get on? Do you still see yourself as a family if not a couple?
Are you friends or is it about the money?
Could you / he live seeing and hearing other partners?

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