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am I overreacting? Would I be mad to end my marriage over this?

(53 Posts)

Ok, this could well be the straw that broke the camel's back. This is not the only reason to finally call it a day (as some of you may recall from other threads).

Bit of background:-

H has been depressed for nearly 2 years, he had never been before and it came out of the blue. As this time passed I persuaded him to get help (counselling and ADs) and supported him through it. Unfortunately he became increasingly emotionally abusive towards me (his depression was my fault, I was told not to cry around him as I was making him worse, he basically wanted me to support him completely whilst giving me nothing back). Then the anger started and I found myself dealing with a man who would scream very aggressively in my face over the smallest thing.

After a year of this I had a bit of a breakdown back in Feb. But having gotten myself a bit of counselling I am now really together, confident and, well, happy (apart from about this, obviously).

Did I say that I was pregnant throughout most of that? Well I was. She's now 6 weeks old and lovely.

H moved out for a while, but having been thrown out by the guy he was lodging with (for being too untidy and treating the place with no respect), I agreed to let him stay in ds2's room under certain conditions. We are not "together" and I do not receive any emotional support from him - and any I offer is on my own terms. I do feel in control of the situation.

H helps with the housework as well as working full time, and professes to love me and want me back, but finds it hard to demonstrate that love. We are civil to each other and occasionally even enjoy each other's company, but not very often.

So - to my point (sorry about the essay) - I do all the nights with dd (not a problem and I wouldn't have it any other way) as well as looking after all three of the dcs throughout the day. I do my fair share of the housework as well.

The only time I really have to myself is when I'm in the bath (a luxury that I will not give up!). Ok, this seems like a really small thing, and it never bothered me hugely, but H always interrupts me at least once to ask something that could have waited, or to find something to do in there, or he plays loud music, or whatever. It's not a major problem really, but it would be nice to have the time completely to myself.

So, during a conversation about how he could "win me back" I asked that while I was in the bath could I be left uninterrupted for the whole time...

You'd think I'd asked for him to give up work and watch the DCs fulltime while I went on holiday for a year. He was offended by my request. He asked what I would say if he had asked for the same thing. I told him that he had, just 2 weeks ago when he said he wanted an hour every evening to go jogging. And that not only did I say yes, I was enthusiastic and encouraging about it too! He said that you never get time off from being a mother. I told him he was a patronising twunt.

He then apologised profusely, but when I got up to go to bed he added, "But what would you have said if I'd asked for some time just for me?".

So, he has demonstrated that he 'doesn't get it'. I feel he has no respect for me or appreciation of what it is I do all day (and all night). He says he loves me, but he can't show it.

In all honesty he has been a much better man in the past 2 months, but I fear this is the beginning of a decline to previous behaviour. I feel like he's just revealed a glimpse of how he really thinks of me.

Am I overreacting? Is this just a lack of sleep and hormones?

Am I a mug?

YeahBut Tue 23-Jun-09 11:19:59

No, you're not overreacting. Is he actively looking for another place to live?
I think by letting him move back in you've given him (in his mind) a licence to behave badly again.

expatinscotland Tue 23-Jun-09 11:20:17

You are not over-reacting. Depression is NOT a get out of life free card or an excuse to take the piss out of your spouse and family. EVER. And I speak as one who battles this every single day.

Don't you think you deserve better than someone who treats an uninterrupted bath as a huge big deal?

Sorry, but I think your marriage when he first moved out.

You were coping without him, why do you want an adult child living with you who also shows no respect for you, too.

expatinscotland Tue 23-Jun-09 11:21:38

Btw, love is respect. If a person can't get it up to show respect and appreciation for you, they don't love you. They may say they do, but actions speak louder than words.

YeahBut Tue 23-Jun-09 11:23:57

Listen to Expat - she is the Bhudda of Mumsnet for decent advice.

That's exactly how I'm feeling about it YB and expat.

I just keep holding on for things to be how they "should" be.

I am confident that I have done the right thing in trying again (for my own peace of mind), but there's no change on the horizon.

DH is long gone, H looks like he's here to stay.

traceybath Tue 23-Jun-09 11:27:41

What expat says.

In the meantime just lock the bathroom door - if you're not 'together' he should be respecting your privacy too.

expatinscotland Tue 23-Jun-09 11:28:31

No harm in giving him a second chance. But you made it clear to him the first time that his behaviour needed to change. And, well, it really hasn't.

And if you think it's just you, well, his former flatmate didn't hesitate to street him when he showed the flat no respect.

You had a reasonable conversation, asking for an uniterrupted bath, ffs, and he acted like a teenage (actually, most teens would have been more rational).

Honestly, you don't need this.

tracey - hate to admit this, but if I do lock it he shakes the handle (it's a crappy lock) to unlock it and comes in anyway.

Nothing he does (apart from the outburst) seems to be malicious. And I do truly believe that he is not deliberately abusive - but at the same time he is not deliberately NOT abusive IYSWIM, so that makes it deliberate by default (my head hurts).

He has completely stopped shouting at me and the DCs, but I don't think that's enough of a reason to stay.

YeahBut Tue 23-Jun-09 11:30:53

Well, for things to be how they should be, your H needs to get a grip and sort himself out. You can't do that for him. And I think you're entitled to tell him to get his own place while you see whether or not he's going to do that.

madameovary Tue 23-Jun-09 11:31:35

You are not over-reacting. As expat says, depression is not an excuse to bully and tyrannise those you are supposed to love, respect and cherish.
He sounds like my ex I'm sorry to say, who was emotionally (and physically) abusive.

You must be incredibly strong to have coped with all this through pregnancy and a newborn, so dont let him bring you down any further, and keep your love and energies for your DC's.

Anyone can talk the talk, but if they cant back it up with consistent actions that prove their sentiments, you are better off without them.

ilovemydogandmrobama Tue 23-Jun-09 11:31:35

I don't think you're over reacting, but, I know that sleep deprivation makes me crazy. I can cope for short periods, but not long term.

I don't know abut depression, but guess you'd treat it like any other illness? Perhaps from the viewpoint of, what he can do rather than what he can't?

expatinscotland Tue 23-Jun-09 11:32:01

'tracey - hate to admit this, but if I do lock it he shakes the handle (it's a crappy lock) to unlock it and comes in anyway.'

Are you joking?

No, no one is saying he's abusive, but he's taking the piss and if solidgold were here, she'd say he's cock lodging.

And she'd be right.

madameovary Tue 23-Jun-09 11:33:31

So he is also disrespecting your boundaries by barging into your private space. Not good.
It can take years for our "D"P's true faces to emerge. Sadly it seems this is his.

traceybath Tue 23-Jun-09 11:35:30

Thats awful and would really really piss me off and annoy me. I mean if he wasn't in the house you'd get your peaceful bath because children would be in bed and baby asleep so he's just causing you more stress.

My FIL has depression and from what i can see quite often uses it as a get out of jail free card for really just dreadful behaviour.

I'm not meaning to devalue depression but as expat says its not an excuse to act like a thoughtless idiot.

I watch MIL make all these excuses all the time for him and how he speaks to her and now is beginning to speak to his grandchildren and its just really sad.

Why does putting this stuff down make it so much more real?

madame I think it's the consistency that I miss the most.

expat sadly not joking.

Solid would slap me around the face and tell me to get a grip and leave him grin

Damn it all to buggery. I was so hoping this would work out once dd was here. Which is funny since I kept telling H that DD would not be the magic wand that would fix everything. I really should take my own advice.

expatinscotland Tue 23-Jun-09 11:40:06

I'm sorry you're going through this but, when he was gone, was your life less stressful (I mean, at least you got a bath in peace)?

If the answer is 'yes', then you know the answer to the questions in your OP.

AMumInScotland Tue 23-Jun-09 11:40:07

So, a man you're not currently in a sexual relationship with thinks it's fine to break into the bathroom while you're in the bath?!

The fact that he can do it very easily because of the crappy lock doesn't make it ok that he would even think of doing that.

I don't know about depression, but he is being completely and utterly selfish in his actions - and doesn't seem to have the faintest notion of it. So, him going jogging is not "time just for me", but you having a bath is? And you don't get time off from being a mother, even when he could help you out quite easily. But he's allowed to take all his time off from being a father?

Not on. He needs to move out and sort himself out. If he manages to do that, or at least seem to b seriously trying, then there might be a possibility of having a grown up relationship with him again. For now he's just a big child, and worse than that as you can't even ask him for the level of help you'd get out of an 8yo.

simpson Tue 23-Jun-09 11:43:04

sorry you are in this situation sad

We have spoken about this before sad as we have been in same situation.

My H is now gone as I realised that the D part of him was never going to come back iyswim.

TBH I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders..

How did you feel when he wasn't living there?

That was the turning point for me as I asked him to go to give us space and see if I missed him (which I didn't TBH)

Congrats on new LO BTW smile

madameovary Tue 23-Jun-09 11:46:51

OP, I can only speak from my own unfortunate experience, but when you say his behaviour is abusive you are right.
Screaming in your face is about as violent as you can get without actually laying a hand on you.
Abusive behaviour is a cycle. This is not something he can recover from because he feels entitled to behave this way. He actually thinks he has the right. And he will go on doing it no matter what you say. He might put a show of helpfulness on in order to continue cocklodging, but the mask will slip - ie as with the bath incident - and he'll reveal his true face.

Sorry to paint such a bleak picture but you deserve better.

MmeLindt Tue 23-Jun-09 11:50:45

I remember your previous thread.

The not letting you have a bath in peace is just a sign of how little respect he has for you, as is breaking into the bathroom when you have a bath. I would be getting a lock fitted that works, tbh.

The absence of abuse does not make one happy. Him not shouting at you and the kids does not make him a good husband and father.

How did you manage when you were alone with the DC? Could you imagine yourself six months down the line on your own, just you and your children?

simpson hello smile really good to see you. Sorry it didn't work out, but it sounds like it was the right thing for you.

I do deserve better! (at least I know that now)

When he wasn't here I felt like a weight was lifted. I was able to put so much more effort (and pleasure) into being a mum, and felt really strong and independent.

I've just answered my own question, haven't I?

I think he does need to move out.

That't it in a nutshell Mme, just because he's not actively being negative does not mean there is anything positive here.

I know I can be a single mother. IT doesn't scare me the way it once did.

It's just not enough, this is not how I want it to be.

squeaver Tue 23-Jun-09 11:58:15

Sometimes it's the (seemingly) smallest things that reveal the most about a person or a situation.

Sounds like you've done everything you can to try to give your marriage a chance. Now it's time to think about you

thesilverlining Tue 23-Jun-09 12:00:19

expat makes a good point how did you feel when he wasn't there?

You have got your life together by yourself and have coped with newborn and al that entails by yourself.

So why do you need him?

The fact that he waltzes in the bathroom is not on - I would be annoyed if my H did that when we were happily married and shagging like teenagers - the bath is my sanctuary and the only time I get that is truely for me (well unless I am stupid enough to do it when the kids are awake then I have to deal with them making bubble beards etc!!) SO why shouldn't you enjoy the same sanctuary?

How on earth is this all workign out financially with him under the same roof??!!

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