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Soon to be divorsed........AT 19!!!

(45 Posts)
islandlassie Tue 23-Jun-09 07:50:32

Following gagamamas advise i am starting a new thred

My H left at 2am last night.

low down:
We got married just over a year ago (only celebrated anniversary 9 days ago)
I sometimes (most of the time) put on that our marriage is flawless and yes have done that on here too
He is 29 with 2 boys from a PR
We had our son 8 months ago
We are so similar yet so different and clash very easily
H has had a fair few problems in life, serving about 8 years of it in jail
He is a changed man from the man he was but still has issues
One in my opinion is that he is controlling with me
Last night i thought enough is enough after having asked him to do the dishes 'for me' and a full scale argument blowing out
It settled but after having posted on here about it and me deciding to not put up with it anymore i decided on the advice of an MNer to go out for myself for 24 hours leaving him incharged of DS. Conversation went like this;

Me - H i am gonna go out for a hour 24 hours, you can look after DS, i will not make up bottles or pre prepare meals before i go, you can do it

DH - I hope you are gonna arrange a day of work for me for that

Me - No, it'll be on a saturday or something (My dad is his employer BTW)

DH - NO!! saturday is ^MY TIME^angry

Me - and when is my time?

DH - You can go anywhere you want, just jump on a bus with the waen and go!

Me - shockWhat?! That is not me time if i9 have to takeB with me!! Think about it when do I actually get ME time?


And that is it, for the next to hours there is much heated words and H decides he will peddle his bike the 28 miles in the middle of the night to our nearest town to make sure he catches the early ferry.

He says it is because DS shouldnt see the arguing (which he defenately should) But in stead of making a concious effort to change (which he thinks he has - uh, no!) He runs off leaving me with baby (who is ill by the way)

Guess all those people were right, islandlassie has messed it all up yet again, what a loser!

islandlassie Tue 23-Jun-09 07:52:45

**shouldn't see not should

BecauseImWorthIt Tue 23-Jun-09 08:11:55

Sorry to hear this - I did lurk on your post last night.

Although it must be very painful for you today, good on you for standing up for yourself and your right to some time for you.

Pheebe Tue 23-Jun-09 08:14:34

I can't comment on the bigger picture here as I haven't seen your other thread, sorry. But I can comment on this argument.

While I can feel (and have felt) your frustration I think using your son as a way to 'punish' your DH was probably not the wisest move. OK, you might not have intended it that way but I suspect thats how your DH would have seen it.

Why 24 hours? Why not 2 hours to go to the hairdressers (or soemsuch) as a starter? What about your son? How would he have felt not seeing you for 24 hours and being left with a probably angry and resentful dad (not that I'm implying he'd harm or neglect him in any way but emotions show through).

OK, your DH should grow up, be a man and step up to his marriage. BUT it seems to me the reality is you need to take the confrontation out of situations such as this...Hon, I have a hairdressers appointment on Saturday morning, are you Ok to be with DS til I get back then we can all go out to the park in the afternoon. Agree you shoudln't have to ASK your DH to look after his own DC but you aren't starting from an ideal situation.

Sorry if this has all been said before and hope it helps in some way

islandlassie Tue 23-Jun-09 08:18:42

It was not a case of using DS, the argument was that H does not understand what it is like to look after DS and have him all the time
He does take him on friday nights while I'm at work
I was saying, here, give me a break and see what it is really like and spend some proper time with the waen
H knew that is what i meant.

islandlassie Tue 23-Jun-09 08:22:48

and maybe i should have said that this is not a make up situation
He is not coming back

SolidGoldBrass Tue 23-Jun-09 08:30:52

TBH sounds like you will be better off without him. He clearly doesnt think you are a person, just something that exists to look after him and the baby.
Get some good legal advice re maintenance and contact, and don;t feel bad about divorcing at 19 - much better getting out now than being stuck with a dickhead for another 20 years.
Best of luck.

BecauseImWorthIt Tue 23-Jun-09 08:31:57


Is there no way that you could try counselling together?

islandlassie Tue 23-Jun-09 08:37:02

He is gone.
That is it.
This is not the forst time this has happened. Before he was walking out and coming back drunk after a few days.

Thing is, we have a faith that says against marriage and live in a olae where the faith is everywhere. Judgement judgement judgement!!!

rubyslippers Tue 23-Jun-09 08:38:37

i posted on your other thread

TBH, walking out in the past and then coming back drunk is no way to conduct a relationship

have you got RL support?

norksinmywaistband Tue 23-Jun-09 08:41:26

They can only judge him for leaving, you only requested he look after his own son for a while.
Things are very raw at the moment, emotions are running high.
TBH I think counselling would help if only for you both to acknowledge your differences and discuss the issues in your marriage in a "safe" environment. This would help you both to see the reasons your marriage has broken down, and you would feel you have done everything you could to resolve matters. The judging then would not affect you as much.
Sorry you are going through this

islandlassie Tue 23-Jun-09 08:59:29

rubyslippers I have RL support but TBH i feel like there is only people who are dying to say i told you so
I dont even know if there is marriage counceling up here???
And H does not believe in counciling

skihorse Tue 23-Jun-09 09:35:06

islandlassie You're not a loser. Christ on a bike you're 19. Who doesn't make bad choices when they're a teenager?

You are in fact incredibly lucky in that you are so young and you have your entire life ahead of you. Get this done and dusted and then move on with your fabulous life. You are not the first girl to marry young and regret it and you won't be the last.

Please don't talk badly about yourself - the opinions of others are their opinions and theirs alone. They are not a reflection of you yourself - you are young, strong, healthy, intelligent and will achieve so much.

Good luck with the rest of your life.

islandlassie Tue 23-Jun-09 09:36:58

thank you skihorse
Wish everyone would think like you

skihorse Tue 23-Jun-09 09:37:17

If you're on one of the islands then yes, I get where you're coming from wrt tittle-tattle gossip, I grew up partly on Shetland.

Get your shit together and sign up for a degree course in Aberdeen or something. Get the hell away for a couple of years, meet new people and enjoy raising your son away from such narrow-minded views.

islandlassie Tue 23-Jun-09 09:56:36

i am doing a maths degree with the OU ski. TBH i am talking to a friend in england and thinking about going down there for a wee bit to have a break away from everyone i know

skihorse Tue 23-Jun-09 10:03:55

Ah OK, now you're talking - I did some maths at uni too so I KNOW you're no dimbo! wink

A break in scenery might do you good - and of course your studies won't be disrupted by geography.

You should be able to transfer any OU credits to a residential university and they should guarantee accommodation given your circumstances. They frequently also have creche facilities... it might be worth looking in to. These applications can go through very quickly if needed. I applied one year in August (bad break-up, homeless, etc.) and I was 300 miles away in uni by mid-september AND my grant had gone through.

You'll be fine, just dust yourself down and get going again. Dickhead men are a rite of passage - you don't need to stay with them! wink

islandlassie Tue 23-Jun-09 10:07:16

Thank you skihorse, you have no idea how much you have boosted me on this miserable day

skihorse Tue 23-Jun-09 10:27:34

No problem at all. Please let me know how you're getting on and if you need another confidence boost just give me a shout.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 23-Jun-09 10:35:10

Getting away is a v good idea. FWIW I knew a girl some years ago who grew up on one of the islands, married young (to an abuser), fled with her DC but it was a bit late for her and she repeated the patterns of falling for wanker after wanker. It would do you a lot of good to meet a variety of people and get away from a mindset that it's OK for men to treat women like less-than-human.

islandlassie Tue 23-Jun-09 11:01:28

Problem is here, when the relationship is good IT IS GREAT, but when it is bad......

I love him, i just want it to work out but think it is no longer possible

islandlassie Tue 23-Jun-09 21:27:36

I'm sorry to pester you all but i just feel so lost and hurt and angry

I feel normal but sick and tired, i keep randomly crying then go back within a second to how i would feel on any other day, i just cant believe my marriage is over before i am even 20, i feel like a failure

Sidge Tue 23-Jun-09 21:33:32

You're not a failure. You have a son, you are obviously intelligent if you are doing a degree and you have the strength of character to see that your relationship was potentially unhealthy.

At a risk of sounding harsh your husband has spent most of his adult life in prison, so is unlikely to have a mature understanding of what constitutes a good, healthy, normal, respectful and supportive relationship. You could try and help him learn it, but at what loss to you and your life?

islandlassie Tue 23-Jun-09 21:37:34

Thats exactly it! He is to be fair to him TRYING but not hard enough. I sympethise with how much of a struggle it is to turn your life from being a thug to being a decent human being and although we have moved on a fair bit, no where near enough!

He is feeling a lot of pressure form various things in our life and his way is to run when the going gets too tough.

I love him but i have one this so many times already and ialthough i slightly just wanna have him back i also don't and am determined not to give in this time.

Doha Tue 23-Jun-09 22:02:17

You are not a failure--never say that. Your relationship with your DH may be failing but that doesn't constitute a failure in my book.

Stand tall in that Island community with your head held high.
I am not sure which "islamd" group you are from but both my parents were from the Hebrides and it seems to be an inbuild tradition for these islabnders to revel in others misfortines. I grew up on *l told you so*

You are intelligent and have your whole future ahead of you. My friend was married and divorced by 19 ( from Barra) and she eventually left the island to make a fresh start. She has now 4DC's and so very happy.

A visit to your friend in England is a great idea and it is very possible for you to transfer your OU credits to another ui eith er here or in England.

You face some tough decisions in the coming days.
Keep posting here-we will support you as best we can smile

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