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Please help me with this situation with my best mate.

(5 Posts)
Thandeka Tue 23-Jun-09 07:44:40

My best mate has been going through a really really tough time in the past 6th months or so. Literally major things going on in her life (in all areas- home, work, health etc etc) and every so often another straw will come out to further break the donkeys back. Seriously she is in a hellish situation. As a result she is in a bad way- having panic attacks etc. I have been trying to support her as much as I can- picked her kids up from school when they were sick (and I was sick too hence being home from work and able to come to rescue despite feeling like death!), trying to find her new jobs, researching things for some of her situations, phoning and emailing, just being there, buying treats such as spa weekend etc etc. Anyhow she often won't answer my calls and seems to be hibernating and at the minute I feel that it is a very one sided friendship. To add to that I recently went thtough a MMC at 10 weeks (BM is down to be birth partner) and am now pregnant again (7+5 and shitting it!) and really feeling like I too need a bit of support and she has tried a bit but she is so inside her own head at the minute then I feel not very supported. But then although my situation was grim it probably doesn't add up to the same level of shit she is going through.

So I sort of don't know what to do? How much do I keep supporting her at my expense? I was wondering whether I should gently point out to her that she needs the support of her friends at the minute and pushing them away a little may be counterproductive and mean they aren't there when she needs them- but at the same time I really don't want to create friendship issues that further worry and stress her out.
But I'm just really down about the friendship at the minute (and have been there before with a best mate who took so much out of me mentally and physically and then sadly took her own life- so in a way I feel I can't do it again).

Any advice?

foofi Tue 23-Jun-09 08:07:07

I think you should cool it with her - you say she often won't answer your calls, so if I were you I would stop making the calls. If she gets in touch, fine, but in the meantime I would trying cultivating some more rewarding friendships.

Beetroot Tue 23-Jun-09 08:12:45

we are there for our friends through thick and thin, but sometimes they need space from us I think.

Perhaps you can try calling her so often for a while, let her know you still love her but give her some space for a while and try to enjoy your pregnancy smile

Thandeka Tue 23-Jun-09 11:35:21

Yeah suppose you are right but just worried about her thinking I have abandoned her, but in a way this friendship isnt healthy for me at mo and space would probably do me some good. Am going away for a week tonight so will see what happens.

traceybath Tue 23-Jun-09 11:38:47

I think that its quite a normal reaction for people to hibernate a bit when going through some very tough times - i know i tend to do this a bit.

I also had a friend who did this during a period in her life and like you i was initially very sympathetic but then felt quite abandoned and sad. In the end i just stopped bothering.

Afterwards i found out she had been suffering very badly from depression and we've become good friends again although interestingly never really discuss what happened.

Just give her space and seek support for yourself from other friends.

I'm sure she'll be back but in her own time.

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