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Fallen in love, but terrified of ruining it!

(26 Posts)
butterflies2 Mon 22-Jun-09 23:16:11

Help please! Last week I was posting because my new man was acting very keen and I was feeling a bit scared by it all. Anyway a few days after that everything changed for me when he said he'd willingly back off and there was no pressure, he'd be there for me when I was ready. At that point I knew he was genuine and his behaviour was purely because he really liked me and wasn't afraid of showing it, rather than him being insecure and needy.

Anyway only a week later and we've both admitted that we've completely fallen for each other and I couldn't believe I could be so lucky...

Now today I suddenly feel absolutely terrified! It's a mixture of so many worries - worries that he'll realise he's mistaken and doesn't like me so much after all, that he'll realise I'm actually pretty boring, and most of all that my worries will make me act so insecure that I'll drive him away anyway!

Am I normal? Does anyone else go through this? If so, how do you stop these feelings spoiling everything?

I'm seeing him tomorrow but I don't know how I'm going to behave normally now. I'm actually in tears at the moment because I'm so scared! blush

mrsboogie Mon 22-Jun-09 23:19:20

Awww.. well he has made himself vulnerable to you by being so keen so why don't you reciprocate and tell him how you feel?. He won't think you are boring (everyone worries about being thought boring)

Enjoy! Go with the flow.

butterflies2 Mon 22-Jun-09 23:22:26

Really? I should tell him how scared I am? I don't want to push it too far and put him off!!

muffle Mon 22-Jun-09 23:23:39

Totally agree with MrsB - tell him; he let himself be open and sensitive with you so I'm sure he'll appreciate it. Just say you feel so strongly and admit you are a bit anxious because it's such a whirlwind and you are scared to lose it.

LadyBee Mon 22-Jun-09 23:24:36

hi - when I met DP it was like stepping off a cliff. Absolutely terrifying but at some point you just have to make that 'leap of faith'. You can keep trying to protect yourself from hurt by pulling back from the edge, but ultimately, doesn't that just leave you where you were before? safe but single? Be brave and be kind to each other. smile

butterflies2 Mon 22-Jun-09 23:27:31

Yes I think I'm confusing opening up to him with what I'm scared I'll actually do, which is bombard him with questions and demands for reassurance. That's what I have to hold back from doing...

mrsboogie Mon 22-Jun-09 23:31:19

Oh God yeah saying you are really into him and think it could develop into something special and are therefore scared is one thing - demanding reassurance and guarantees of future feelings are NOT GOOD!

butterflies2 Mon 22-Jun-09 23:40:46

He's saying things like he's never felt like this before, is already thinking about us living together at some point, etc etc. And none of this scares me now because I'm feeling all the same things.

So why do I still feel so insecure? It's crazy!!

Maybe I'm sounding very naive here - I've just never been in love before I guess! smile

mrsboogie Mon 22-Jun-09 23:50:48

Because its so early and you know its a risk?
Aww just enjoy it - you could be soulmates!!

MumHadEnough Mon 22-Jun-09 23:55:24

Just tell him you feel exactly the same!

butterflies2 Mon 22-Jun-09 23:57:02

I think we are soulmates. Am just staring at his photo and going all gooey smile

You guys are right, he's completely put himself on the line by opening up to me so early on. I want to do the same for him.

I'll tell him tomorrow ... that I'm scared because no man's ever meant as much to me as he does smile

Sorry for going overboard on the soppiness!! grin

mrsboogie Tue 23-Jun-09 00:21:18

it makes a nice change on here grin

BitOfFun Tue 23-Jun-09 00:27:22

Aint that the truth? grin

oliviasmama Tue 23-Jun-09 07:08:35

Just try and relax and enjoy it, don't go o.t.t. on declaring undying love for each other, tell him how you feel but lets not be choosing the furniture just yet! smile If you really are soul mates then things will slowly fall into place.

Stop panicking and just have fun.

sparkybint Tue 23-Jun-09 09:34:26

Sorry to put a downer on things, but try and be wise - in my experience men who declare undying love in the very early stages need to be evaluated very carefully. I've had proposals of marriage from two guys very early on, the "you're my soulmate" routine and god knows what else and particularly with the last one, I didn't reciprocate immediately because it felt so soon but then I did, because it felt right and he seemed to love me so much.

He disappeared a month ago after we'd been together for just over a year. I haven't heard from him since.

So my advice is, go very slowly, accept the lovely feelings as infatuation/the first stages of falling in love, but carry on with the rest of your life as normal and don't make any decisions about the rest of your life just yet. If he's genuine, and he might just well be, you have all the time in the world. Good luck.

MuthaHubbard Tue 23-Jun-09 16:47:26

Have to agree with sparky as I had the same thing happen to me.

Enjoy the feelings but take it slow, there is no real rush. Don't make enjoy big decisions as yet, just enjoy being in love.

makipuppy Tue 23-Jun-09 16:51:51

If you're not scared of losing it, it's not worth having...

It's agony, I know, the fear! But try and concentrate on having fun together.

MamaLazarou Tue 23-Jun-09 17:07:16

I was exactly the same as butterflies when I first got together with my husband 5 years ago. Terrified of the strength of my feelings, terrified that he would find out I wasn't as great as he first thought, terrified that if I showed him how in love with him I was, he would break my heart. When he asked me to be his girl friend, I honestly looked around the room to see if people were watching and laughing - I genuinely thought it must be a joke because I felt I wasn't 'cool enough' to hang out with him. Two weeks in, he said he loved me: I was overjoyed but convinced it was 'too soon'.

We have now been very happily married for two years and every single day has been wonderful. I'm glad I let myself get swept away by it all in the early stages, even though it was scary.

Fimbo Tue 23-Jun-09 17:20:42

Dh and I got together really quickly after my 5 year relationship with my then live in boyfriend broke down. I was kind of scared it was rebound. But it wasn't, we have been together now for 16 years, married for 13 and have 2 dc.

ToughDaddy Tue 23-Jun-09 20:35:27

bulterflies- enjoy that "giddy" feeling. A small part of me says that you should hold a little back. Essentially, I have one foot in the parky camp:
-if he is for real then you will not lose by holding a little back
-There are a FEW blokes who just love the chase and become less interested when you enter the stable, longer term phase

It is not necessarily a matter of playing games but you should enjoy the journey and then enjoy the destination when you get to it.

take care

ToughDaddy Tue 23-Jun-09 20:36:03

parky sparky

raisinbran Tue 23-Jun-09 20:47:30

I am feeling exactly the same way. I have been separated nearly 2 years and feel so in love with my boyfriend of 8 weeks. He is constantly paying me such wonderful compliments and is so affectionate and thoughtful.

I just keep thinking he will wake up and realise I am not as good as he thought I was. He says I am sexy, beautiful, intelligent,kind, elegant and funny.. just perfect.but I am not, I am a size 18 with horrible saggy stomach and thighs and approaching 40.

Self esteem books tell you to be confident and accepting of who you are yet when you are so in love and value being loved so much by such a wonderful man, it is very scary.

ToughDaddy Tue 23-Jun-09 22:03:49

Unless the bloke is a tart or a teenager then he will probably not be looking for perfect physical being. Is he perfect anyway? It is amazing how hard women can be on themselves when partnering out of shape men!

If you like yourself a little then so will he. Also a little imperfection/quirkiness plus a bit of confidence can go a long way.

Kick back and enjoy the feeling.

butterflies2 Tue 23-Jun-09 22:27:46

Thanks for everyone's messages! I've had an absolutely agonising day today!

Suddenly I've started reading into everything he does/doesn't say and worrying about every little thing. I'm now convinced that his friends are all far more interesting than me and he'll soon realise this and move on!

I told him today how scared I was feeling. He said I had no reason to worry, that he loved me and there's nothing I could do to scare him off. These reassurances never keep me happy for long though, I always find something else to worry about.

I've pulled myself together a bit now though - I keep telling myself that if I constantly worry and give into my insecurities, my fears will become a reality. So I may as well try to just enjoy it as the alternative is to end up alone again anyway!

I'd hoped I'd grown out of all this by now! But maybe it never gets any easier! smile

ToughDaddy Tue 23-Jun-09 22:32:34

yes butterflies, I think that you are over-analysing. Will you ever just relax and enjoy the trip rather than worrying too far ahead? It is your worrying that is most likely to put him off. Hope that this doesn't sound too harsh but you do need to relax a bit IMO

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