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Please help me need to make choice re pregnancy

(28 Posts)
Ideaswelcome Mon 22-Jun-09 21:44:40

Want to die. Sorry, that's really dramatic for me but I've just found out that my dp has been pissing around again online.

I'm 10 weeks pregnant, have been together for nearly 4 years. Baby very planned and wanted. I have a 4 year old DD from my ExH, my DP treats her as his own.

I've felt very ill with the pregnancy, very tired, fat and bloated and sick. Spent a lot of time at weekends just lying in bed. I've got very low blood pressure which apparently why im feeling bad.

sorry im waffling. About two weeks ago an ex of his (fiance actually) started texting him (he says he doesnt know how she got the number after 10 years). Fairly innocuous, he showed me, just stuff about wanting to keep in touch and be friends. Then last week another ex got in touch through FB.

I got really upset and told him that I felt fat and hormonal and these exs were upsetting me. Next day he came upstairs and told me he'd deleted them from FB which he did.

Today I found out that in the meantime (5 days?) he has gone back on fb and found other ex girlfriends who he has requested to be his friend but then hidden that message off his frontpage so I wouldnt see. There have also been emails but hes deleted them so I have no idea what they said.

When confronted he lied about all this to my face and only when confronted with evidence finally admitted it.

I don't want to be a single mother of two, I just don't. I feel heartbroken and think I'm going to have to have a termination. I really dont know what to do.

This isnt a one off, During our first two years he cheated on me on the internet (arranged dates but apparently never actually went on them) with lots of different women. Flirting emails, text and phone contact etc. Lied to me about it all. He was always telling me we were 'exclusive' said he'd never lie to me, I got suspicious and he kept saying I was imagining it all. When I finally found out it nearly broke me. We went to counselling and I really thought he'd changed.

Have no idea what to do. PLease help if you can I just cant stop crying.

Ideaswelcome Mon 22-Jun-09 21:46:57

Sorry its such a long post. And to think the other day I was on here advising some poor woman going through similar that you can get over it and that me and DP were 'stronger than ever' I think Im going to throw up

alicecrail Mon 22-Jun-09 21:48:29

I can't really give you any actual advice, but big hugs. It must be awful.

What has he said this time? Has he given you any excuses/reasons why he is being so sneaky?

AnyFucker Mon 22-Jun-09 21:50:52

so sorry

but please don't do anything hasty wrt the pregnancy

I have no further advice, but I'm sure there will be some wise ladies along very soon

Ideaswelcome Mon 22-Jun-09 21:56:44

Thank you both.

Hes said what he said last time 'i knew you wouldnt like me doing it so I hid it / lied about it', 'I was just being stupid' 'I don't know why I did it' 'It didnt mean anything' etc

The problem is from the minute we started talking about it I just got this feeling, this sick horrible shaky feeling like I got last time, I knew he was lying. I'll never know what he actually did this time. Last time I found lots out before confronting him, he'd never have admitted anything otherwise. Just kept telling me I was insane and imagining things.

I so so thought he'd changed though, and hes so lovely in other ways. I cant believe hed do this when I was pregnant. Means he'd do it anytime I guess.

Cant face thought of having 2 children on my own, i know i couldnt cope emotionally nor financially. abortion makes me feel sick. I feel trapped and desperate

Ideaswelcome Mon 22-Jun-09 21:58:05

Sorry my username isnt related to this, it was for a post on my wanker ex husband, god i know how to pick them

AnyFucker Mon 22-Jun-09 22:01:58

He is addicted to the thrill forbidden nature of it, isn't he?

I would fear he will not change, given he is a repeat offender, even after going through counselling and thus should have understood how this undermines your relationship

can he articulate just what he gets out of it, and what he is hoping to achieve ?

an ego boost ?

some attention, that he feels he isn't getting from you ?(no excuse at all, just trying to think how he might be thinking)

sex ?

am so sorry, what a horrible, horrible man he is

Ideaswelcome Mon 22-Jun-09 22:08:37

When he did it the first time he said that it was like a fantasy world. We didnt live together back then and he said that the nights we didnt see each other he'd go online and talk to people so that he wasnt bored.

He said that he was flattered by all these women approaching him and fancying him and just felt it was harmless.

Ive seen emails from the one woman he was going to meet for a date (I think there were only two it got that far with) and she says she understood he couldnt meet her (he told her his mom was ill!) but that she couldnt understand why hed been ignoring her texts ever since. She said 'but you were so sweet and loving by text why are you doing this?'

So I do believe that he didnt meet that one at least. Sorry, that was me trying to say dont think it was for sex. At that time we had sex pretty much about 10 times a week with lots of variety. I was always immaculate and we always went on dates together (I used to have babysitting then) so none of the day to day grind of real life. I remember saying to him at the time 'But what do you want??? This is as good as I get!! If you still need more I just havent got it!!'

He cant articulate why hed lie to me just to talk to someone on fb. We had all this out last time. He even said to me about 3 days ago 'Id never do that to you I love you and dd and baby too much' Right.

AnyFucker Mon 22-Jun-09 22:12:00


< stumped >

what a fuckwit

alicecrail Mon 22-Jun-09 22:12:08

To be brutally honest, i think he sounds like a waste of time and you would be much better off without him. It will be hard coping with 2 by yourself but you will manage it. I think it would be harder to live with how he is making you feel, than to be a single mum with 2 children iyswim?

I think it is always very easy (especially on a more woman orientated site/group) to say, "fuck him, he's not worth it, its all his fault" etc, and generally as a rule i don't go along with this because i often think it is a two way partnership, and there are few cases where the blame rests solely on the one person.

However, in this case, i believe (only from what you have written) that this should be the end of the road as far as this relationship goes as this man is the reason you are thinking of getting rid of your baby.
He won't have to live with all the feelings a termination will bring.

I am not saying that a termination is always a bad thing or anything like that, just that it is a very big decision and one that shouldn't be made in the heat of the moment, which i am sure you are more than aware of.

I hope you don't think i have said anything out of turn, i have just tried to write what i would say to my sister or a friend in this situation.

Best of luck and again, big hugs x

motherlovebone Mon 22-Jun-09 22:17:36

If you are going to terminate, start the ball rolling ASAP.
i wouldnt want to stay with him/have his child.
you have been a single mum once so you know how/if you will cope.
dont do what anyone else wants you to, do what you want to.
good luck with whatever you decide...ditto whoever said 'horrible, horrible man'

Ideaswelcome Mon 22-Jun-09 22:18:04

Alice - no you havent upset me at all. I would be mentally screwed after a termination. Im not even sure I could do it but I just cant even think of looking after 2 dcs on my own. I work nearly full time, my ExH is a git and mentally Im alreadyy taking citalopram because of depression.

But the alternative? I remember the months and months last time of rows and wondering what / who he was doing all the time and the crying and upset. I cant go through all that again either.

Im going to go to bed so apologies to anyone who answers in the meantime. Maybe in the morning it wont look so bleak

HolyGuacamole Mon 22-Jun-09 22:54:06

Sorry to hear you're going thru this. No matter what happens you can and will survive this.

As for your DP. Well, I think if you are going to be with someone in a relationship, you should be able to (at the very least) expect that the person will be honest with you. For example if you are asking him if he is cheating/flirting online/whatever, then he should be big enough to admit it when confronted.

I honestly don't think this man is worth your time. However, it's your life and you have to make your own decisions. What you have to take into account is that he previously has been caught out so in future if he intends to cheat on you, he will do a better job of trying to hide it, making it even harder for you to find out about. And when you have someone who really works at hiding something, coupled with not being able to be truthful about it when confronted, you have potentially, a very deceitful and destructive relationship to look forward to.

You have to put yourself and your children first. He doesn't deserve you and you (and your DC) deserve much more than him. He is not the be all and end all. You have so many choices, take your time and don't rush into anything.

Good luck and I hope you wake up in the morning with a clearer head.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 23-Jun-09 00:36:20

I'm sorry, this is rotten for you. But basically this man is never going to be monogamous, so you either have to decide that you will accept him having other partners (I am not saying that you should do this, though for some people deciding to accept a non-exclusive relationship makes them happier than trying to enforce exclusivity and/or waiting and worrying for the next time the partner will start straying) or that you don't want the relationship to continue. But, if you want a monogamous relationship, trying to have one with a person who is basically NOT monogamous is a wretched, horrible way to live as you wil never feel fully able to trust him.
However, being unmonogamous doesn't necessarily stop him being a good father: once you let go of the couple-relationship you can make a new relationship as co-parents.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 23-Jun-09 07:15:38

If you were a friend in RL I would be saying not to terminate. I'd say you would regret it and it would eat you up. I'd say that you will manage somehow whether you stay together or split. Have you told him you feel like terminating?

Lulumama Tue 23-Jun-09 07:24:57

i think you should end things with him and have the baby. you wanted and planned this baby and i doubt you have stopped wanting it because your P is an arse. you can do it without him and with the support of family and friends. don't make a knee jerk reaction though. but think in terms of what you want long term and what you will regret most.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Tue 23-Jun-09 07:37:48

Message withdrawn

Ideaswelcome Tue 23-Jun-09 08:52:14

Thank you everyone. I have woken up this morning without a clear head I'm afraid. Just feel sick and weird.

I have to work today but want to call in sick and curl up.

I told him I was going to terminate. He said it wasnt how it looked and begged me not to.

I'm just so confused. How can he be such a wonderful 'father' to dd1 and such a wonderful partner (if you take this bit away) and yet still do this?? He says all the time he wants to marry me and only wants me, dd and the baby. He's looked after me so much while Ive been ill with the pregnancy and yet how can he be such a pratt?

I dont want to terminate but I just feel trapped. Not trying to offend anyone for their choices but I just never wanted to be a single mum to 2 with 2 different fathers and a divorce behind me at 33. Put it down to my parents reading the Daily Mail but I just feel ashamed and stupid.

BitOfFun Tue 23-Jun-09 09:04:11

The shame doesn't belong to you though, love- it's him acting like a shit with no integrity or respect. I think I would be thinking about termination too in those circumstances, especially as you are already suffering depression, although let's be honest, neither option is going to be easy or stop this situation hurting. Can you go to your doctor and explain what's going on and say that you need to discuss your options with somebody? You don't need to decide today, but it would be a good idea to start intensively exploring your feelings about it with real life support, because it's a decision you have to make within a timeframe. None of us can tell you what's for the best, but we would all be here to listen when you need to offload. Good luck sweetheart- I'm sorry you are being put through this.

alicecrail Tue 23-Jun-09 09:08:18

I can understand exactly what you mean, but i think that being a single mum with 2dc by different fathers, but being happy is a damn sight better than being in a hurtful relationship.

My sister is in a relationship with a bloke that i don't think is good enough for her. She has 1dd from a previous relationship and a dd with her DP. When things were going badly and he told her that he had changed his mind about wanting to marry her, the main reason she stuck it out was because she felt that at 22 with 2 kids by 2 different fathers and single was exactly what people expected of her, and this is the reason her dp can do whatever he likes. He thinks he is doing her a favour hmm

Don't let yourself be governed by what others think of you, do what you can as the best thing in the situation

dizietsma Tue 23-Jun-09 09:17:14

"I dont want to terminate but I just feel trapped."

You are not trapped, you mustn't rush into this.

There's an online workbook here (neither pro-choice or pro-life) about deciding whether or not to terminate that I suggest you visit. It will help you make a more reasoned, less knee-jerk decision.

FioFio Tue 23-Jun-09 09:25:57

Message withdrawn

BitOfFun Tue 23-Jun-09 09:54:16

Dizietsma- that link is actually from an anti-abortion group in the US, and the medical information in it is biased and inaccurate (plus not totally relevant to how things work in the uk), although I understand how people would think it was impartial because it's designed to look that way.

OP, please don't make this decision based on internet information- it will be much safer and more supportive for you to find people in real life who are professionals and can properly help you and look after your mental health while you make any decisions. The GP should be your first port of call to make sure you aren't unwittingly pulled into the orbit of people with a political axe to grind, which is the last thing you need right now. Wishing you strength, hope you find a way through- there always is!

SolidGoldBrass Tue 23-Jun-09 10:40:21

There is nothing shameful in being a single parent. Life doesn;t always go as we plan it, and we all do the best we can. I agree that you should look for some counselling re your options with the pregnancy via your GP - independent groups may have an anti-abortion agenda and not be trustworthy.
FIoFio, with respect that's an idiotic idea. This man is not a child, and it is not up to the OP to control his bheaviour - he will still breach monogamy because he doesn;t want to be monogamous.
He may well be able to be a good supportive co-parent in the future, though. Far better to have a workable co-parent relationship than a suspicion-filled, struggling couple-relationship, and once you have decided and accepted that he's not a suitable partner for you, his behaviour will no longer be able to hurt you.

dizietsma Tue 23-Jun-09 10:42:13

Holy shit, it is? Which group? I'm very sorry if it is, because I'm absolutely pro-choice.

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