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how do you deal with people finding out about your separation/divorce?

(21 Posts)
imanidiot Mon 22-Jun-09 20:17:57

just that really.

i now know that other distant family members know about it.

don't want to bad mouth H, don't want to really be awful but feel anything I'm saying is too much and I'm being disloyal towards him. Feel like I'm being nasty to him and that only I really know the reasons why he's left, so nobody else has a right to say anything. Although from what he is doing, from the outside others are going to draw their own conclusions. And I cant help that.

I hate it. How do you deal with it?

I just want to hide away. Am I making too bigger deal?

I do talk to close trusted friends, but to others I don't disclose personal stuff. But even then I feel that's too much. I don't even want to say we are separated because that is too much.

How do you deal with it?

imanidiot Mon 22-Jun-09 20:37:20


ditzzy Mon 22-Jun-09 21:02:16

Just bumping for you - I'm trying to work out the same! I'm going for the 'broken record' approach at the moment:
"Some things just naturally come to an end, its nobody's fault and I'll hope we'll still be friends"

Whereas what I want to say is "thank goodness I've finally escaped the abusive lazy arse"... the people who matter will know because they've supported me for the last couple of years, the rest can just see me pleasant to him. I dread to think what he's told his family hmm

ChasingSquirrels Mon 22-Jun-09 21:03:46

"I can't talk about it"

imanidiot Mon 22-Jun-09 21:11:05

Good suggestions.

Why do I find it soooooo hard to say that to people. It's like I have this need to please people/tell them everything/be nice?

I did say to my relative that I didn't want to be horrible about him and that there was no point. That he is a nice guy, but has things he needs to sort out. He's a good dad etc etc. And that I'm just getting on with what I need to do and deal with me and DC.

Does that sound horrible? Or ok?

ChasingSquirrels Mon 22-Jun-09 21:12:42

I think say whatever you can/need to.

I just used to burst into tears tbh!

ditzzy Mon 22-Jun-09 21:15:59

That sounds ok to me! It sounds as though the relative was trying to pry and you fended off the questions (or those horrible 'knowing silences' where you feel you just have to say something) perfectly well. And you were very nice about H into the bargain. Actually the reason I don't like to be too nice about him, is because I hate people saying "oh, you must be sooo upset"

Of course the other technique is just to make yourself feel better by slagging him off all over mn. Then there's not so much need to do it in real life grin

popcorn123 Mon 22-Jun-09 21:16:23

Will watch with interest - finding this all very difficult 1 year down the line. Also want to hide away. I do agree that " I don''t want to talk about" to folks you don't want to discuss personal details with should suffice. I also don't mention I am separated until I actually comes up in conversation - or someone asks how exH is - assuming we are together. I am scared I will bad mouth him (he is/was abusive unpleasant) and I want people to know that but know I shouldn't (and don't really want to)bad mouth him .I find it awful - but have always been useless about talking about personal stuff.

anothermum92 Mon 22-Jun-09 21:19:54

Message withdrawn

anothermum92 Mon 22-Jun-09 21:21:35

Message withdrawn

imanidiot Mon 22-Jun-09 21:25:37

Maybe it's just the fact that people know - that's what I hate. Maybe it's because I'm trying to deny (still) that it has actually happened?

Maybe its because I don't want my business to be the latest news?

TBH my relative said to me I don't want to know the details, but I'm angry with your H for doing this to you....he needs to grow up.

I just said to her I don't like talking about it, people will find out because it's happened and happening, and I can't hide it, but I dont like people knowing my inns and outs.

To my closest friends and those you just know won't gossip, I tell them everything, the inns and outs, the ups and downs, the good and bad. But even then I feel I shouldn't. It's almost like when you are married you can't talk to anyone else apart from your H.

I suppose people are drawing their own conclusions and in a way Im glad, because I know I am not going mad in why I feel upset, but I also feel sad for X that other people think badly of him, because I feel he would be really hurt. I'm still sticking up for him! Crazy!

He acts like he doesn't care, but even his family have been off with him, and I told him because they're upset about the situation, and I feel sad for him. It does get to him.

SOLOisMeredithGrey Mon 22-Jun-09 21:26:06

"H and I have parted. I don't want to talk about it, but when I do, I will so please don't ask me anything until that time".

popcorn123 Mon 22-Jun-09 21:26:48

The main reason I struggles to talk about it was also that I would burst into tears hence never mentioning it at work etc.
Am better now -just makes very anxious for a while! I agree I feel that my personal life is up for scrutiny - noon else in my social circle is separeted/divorced and I always imagine that they feel sorry for me and my "poor boys" and look out for signs of antisocial/emotionally disturted behaviour in them - which I am sure is not completely true.

popcorn123 Mon 22-Jun-09 21:38:20

I also feel guilty talking to close friends about it - I have told them things but not the whole truth - I am never mentioned the worst stuff e.g trashing the house and minor violence towards me and horribly aggressive towards dc's. They are so shocked and angry at ex for what I do tell them that I can't fring myself to say the rest - they must have sheltered lives!,

Does your ex make you feel guilty about talking about it - mine does and will say I saw so and so in the street and they avoided me you most have said terrible things. I haven't - usually I haven't seem teh person for year but then I even stop talking to close friends because I feel guilty.

I sounds like you are dealing with it well. If your relative is angry at him then so be it - you can't control it.You haven't said anything you shouldn't have.

I agree this is all so hard- it is really amking it hard for me to move on.

elastamum Mon 22-Jun-09 21:44:23

It is hard. I jusr say that he has left us but that we are fine and all doing ok. most of our mutual frinds think he is an arse which really pisses him off hmm

imanidiot Mon 22-Jun-09 21:44:48

Hi there
Well X doesn't make me feel guilty but he lives in a bubble where he thinks people don't say anything at all, or just shrugs his shoulders and gets indifferent to it all, as if to say so what. But I know it does bother him - especially his cousins not being so close to him now.

I think perhaps he really doesn't care what others think!

I'm sorry you had such a horrible relationship Popcorn. You musn't feel guilty though, you were not to blame for your x being violent - that's not your fault and you've nothing to be ashamed of. Hav you had any counselling?

With regards to my situ, you are right, I haven't said anything wrong, nor lied. I think she was perhaps angry because when she was young she was left with young DC's because her H left too.

Plus I think people think he is being irresponsible. I can't help that I suppose.

maltesers Mon 22-Jun-09 21:53:16

When i split up from my Ex DH you find out who your true friends are... especially those whom you got to know together as a couple. They one who didnt bother with you are the divorce were never true friends, i think.

maltesers Mon 22-Jun-09 21:54:14

Sorry, meant to say .. The ones who didnt bother with you after the divorce were never.......

mamas12 Mon 22-Jun-09 22:24:15

oh the same here my ex threatened me not to say said anything to anyone about our private life
But he takes it to the extreme I have since had to tell people he works with that we are divorced!
I have also felt disloyal but two years down the line , with the 'help' of MN I now have a name for what he put me through= EA. (at the time I called it emotional cruelty) and am starting to explain to people. TBH a lot of them are not surprised!!
I thought his behaviour was some terrible secret but now know he subjects other people to it.
You can only say and do what you can.
I also had an aquaintance come five times with presents for dcs and lots of hand holding 'wanting the gossip'

maltesers Wed 24-Jun-09 20:21:05

yes true Mamas12 your Ex always ends up subjecting other people to his awful behaviour. When i heard my Ex was seeing someone i jut thought she is a Lamb to the Slaughter !!

mamas12 Wed 24-Jun-09 21:59:05

Exactly so do we warn them or what?
Because it will only confirm what he has told her about me anyway and I will come accross as a loon and he will be justified in his 'side' iykwim

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