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not sure where to post this - wondering about my sexuality...

(42 Posts)
howtoknow Mon 22-Jun-09 16:51:17

[name changer]

I've always found women VERY attractive. Love different parts of the female anatomy and am really drawn to them, think about them while having sex etc etc (I often find myself thinking of having sex with a woman with me as the man but even if not fantasising about being the man in sex I will have thoughts about breasts etc - they are what turn me on, not fantasising about sex WITH man).

am married with two kids. don't have sex much with DH. used to be bothered about this but not so much anymore.

am growing and developing as a woman (am 40 now and on bit of voyage of self-discovery, in very local, limited, non-shirly valentine way grin) and am finding that I find most men a bit, well, childish I suppose (of course there are exceptions). Also DH admitted a minor (he says) infidelity to me about a year ago and I suppose have lost quite a bit of respect for him as a result.

so, am thinking maybe am not quite strictly hetero. Not sure what I would do if I decide am not but suppose am just sort of interested at present as it never really occurred to me before.

insights/thoughts/shared experiences welcome

hullygully Mon 22-Jun-09 16:52:15

Yeah, I bet they would be.

littlelamb Mon 22-Jun-09 16:53:41

Can we please not do a troll hunt just because this involves sexuality hmm Hopefully you'll get some helpful answers soon

HecatesTwopenceworth Mon 22-Jun-09 16:54:43

grin hully. <wags finger>

OP - give these people a call

lostinthecitylover Mon 22-Jun-09 16:54:50

think alot of women experience this esp after having dcs - there is a term for it I believe

bi - curious. Will be back later for an update.

Lizzylou Mon 22-Jun-09 16:56:33

I do think that an awful lot of women fantasise about this and are Bi-curious as Lost says.

Most times they keep it as a fantasy, do you want to act on it?

Is it a symptom of your relationship with your DH do you think or more than that?

howtoknow Mon 22-Jun-09 17:00:40

how amusing - it actually did cross my mind as I wrote the words "shared experiences" that it might be taken the wrong way...oh dear, tis the first time I have been accused of trolling in 6 years on MN . Am a bit shocked really that this message could be read as a trolling. All I am looking for is anyone who has experienced similar and what they thought about it as I am finding it difficult to know myself

thanks for the chuckle though grin

violentviolet Mon 22-Jun-09 17:02:22

I'm the same - after a couple of kisses and gropes with girls in my teens I've been with men since and have a dc, but my fantasies are of women even though I prefer to be with a guy.

Personally I just think I have a broad sexual appetite and it's not that I'm bi so much as I'm open to most things. You don't have to pigeonhole yourself into a category, anyway. Sexuality is as complex and changing as your taste in food, music, and decor!

violentviolet Mon 22-Jun-09 17:04:51

The way to tell is probably to go kiss a girl and er, see if you like it, as the song says. grin

howtoknow Mon 22-Jun-09 17:05:14

everyone else, thank you!

I am not sure if I would want to do anything about this. I have joked with my best pal before that we should "go gay" together as a means to escape from our boring marriages and irritating menfolk. I do quite like her boobs too shock wink

I guess it could well be a symptom of problems in my relnship with DH - our sex life is boring and he seems disinterested. Am not interested in affair with man, or even another relationship with a man if we split up.

Am not interested in affair with woman either per se, but could see that sort of relnship in my future if I ever did split with DH

I really like women

Lulumama Mon 22-Jun-09 17:07:47

do you think you are thinking more about this, as DH had an affair and you feel that you have an opportunity now to have a bit of a play around yourself... and want to explore that side of yourself.

i think for lots of people., their sexuality is quite fluid. i do think a proportion of people are firmly hetero/homosexual.. but there is certainly going to be grey areas in something as complex as human sexuality

but on the surface, you sound bored and peed off and wnat some excitement, whether with a man or a woman, so i suppose it is a good juncture to ask yourself about your long term future with your H

howtoknow Mon 22-Jun-09 17:07:54

yes, am not really trying to pigeonhole myself, but was very interested in finding out if this is a fantasy mostly indulged in by lesbian/bi folk or heteros or as VV so beautifully puts it people with a broad sexual appetite.

so should I go and kiss a girl then? [turns and looks about the office for a likely candidate wink ]

posieparker Mon 22-Jun-09 17:11:40

Is fantasising about other women a lot to do with how we view ourselves? Enjoying the idea of being turned on and seeing it in another woman?
Not that I'd know as a firmly hetrosexual woman, oh penis, bollocks, balls, members, purple headed wotsits..... wink.

trefusis Mon 22-Jun-09 17:14:56

Message withdrawn

violentviolet Mon 22-Jun-09 17:16:17

If you can drag your friend to a gay club, maybe you could kiss someone there (kiss, not pull) and see how you feel about it. Even if it wasn't a woman you particularly fancied you'd probably get a fair idea of whether it was right for you or not. I'd imagine if it felt wrong it'd be an immediate and overwhelming feeling of discomfort.

Personally I've never got round to doing this, even though my boyfriend would love a threesome I would find it hard to be a mum AND a swinger lol

howtoknow Mon 22-Jun-09 17:16:38

yes lulumama am quite bored with the whole sex side of our relationship. Have been wondering for ages about LT future with DH - indeed we went to counselling for months and in the end she said I needed counselling myself to work out what I wanted . I am a very loyal person, I like my DH (when he isn't bugging me to death anyway) and we have two small kids. I am exploring other areas of my life right now (my spirituality in particular - which has always been a dead dodo til now)

Lulumama Mon 22-Jun-09 17:18:33

the fact you only like, rather than love, or feel in love with your DH is a big deal

i know that the honeymoon phase wears off and you settle down into a more humdrum kind of life, but once the love has gone, then you need to start thinking about whether it is still right to be with that person

your DH has had an affair

you like rather than love him

maybe one of you needs to be brave and actually say things are over

howtoknow Mon 22-Jun-09 17:19:56

trefusis - thanks. I'm not taking his indiscretion as green light for an affair - don't worry.

howtoknow Mon 22-Jun-09 17:23:45

lulu you are possibly right. he isn't brave when it comes to things like this, he is extremely indecisive also. After he told me I told him I wanted a definitive answer about whether he saw a future for us and he took 3 months to decide! then he took the easy decision.

now that we've stopped the counselling we just don't talk about this stuff. We have fairly separate lives and when he had to go away for two weeks a while back I was happy to be alone with the kids and did lots of things I like to do with them (he can be a bit of a stick in the mud)

I suppose I am exploring my spirituality, myself deeply at the moment with the silent (until now) hope that it would somehow at some stage make the scales fall from my eyes wrt our relnship and enable me to see a way forward

(I am notoriously indecisive too btw)

howtoknow Mon 22-Jun-09 17:27:28

VV - good point about probably feeling intense discomfort if it was wrong for me...not surprised you can't be mum and swing - sounds exhausting

dizietsma Mon 22-Jun-09 17:31:00

I am bisexual, and have defined myself as such since about the age of 17.

It wasn't a simple lightbulb moment where I suddenly realised I was bi, it was a process I went through starting age 14-ish (I know, lucky I worked it out so young). Initially I thought I was bi, but then I went through a period of only finding women attractive and thought of myself as a lesbian, eventually I settled on bi again!

I don't think sexualities are a fixed thing. It's not gay/straight/bi, I think it's a spectrum and most people are not at the clear cut gay/straight extremes or even at the 50/50 bi middle. I've known lesbians who have sex with men, I've known married heterosexuals who have casual gay sex (more common than you'd like to believe I'm afraid ladies) and I've known celibate bisexuals. I also think that sexualities change, just like people change, and that's OK.

You find women attractive, and you need not attach a label to it just yet. I think "bi-curious" can be a bit misleading as you are not curious, it sounds to me like you know you find women sexually attractive.

Understand that you need not do anything about your sexuality. It could just be a new thing that you understand and have integrated into yourself.

I would recommend looking up your local LGBT helpline, this is the sort of situation they are ideal for.

I would also recommend talking with your OH about this, when you're ready. He deserves to know.

violentviolet Mon 22-Jun-09 17:32:15

I'm notoriously indecisive too, wonder if all bi/bi-curious women are? lol (are you a libra too, by any chance?)

howtoknow Mon 22-Jun-09 17:42:07

nope not a libra, sorry grin

diziet - interesting and wise words, thank you, I like your bit about thi smight just be something new and integrable

My DH knows I think, I have spoken to him before about finding women attractive (just not that I fantasise about them during sex - he doesn't really like talking about stuff like that and the one time he did he wasn't interested in my fantasies but told me lots of his own involving real people that we both know - that kind of knocked me I must say!)

dizietsma Mon 22-Jun-09 17:42:30

I'm not very indecisive, I'm (now) very certain I find both men and women attractive!

howtoknow Mon 22-Jun-09 17:44:24

but what would I say to the LGBT helpline if I decide I am not bothered about labelling myself? I can't just pick up the phone and say "Hi - I am in a hetero relationship but love boobs and fantasise about having penetrative sex with women" can I? WHat could they possibly reply?

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