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My mum is, in fact, a complete tart.(43 Posts)
Please don't trip trap me, this is genuine and i am a namechanging regular. i cannot even think about this under my regular guise.
after 30 years of marriage my parents are separating because of my mother's infidelities.
i have had my suspicions for the last 15 years tbh but fervently hoped i was wrong, plus with the morals and values i was brought up with it seemed inconceivable.
but i was not wrong, it has all come out.
and my mum expects everybody to just carry on as normal. she is in the process of moving out, but does not seem to have told anyone, friends/relations etc.
dad is doing v well and being v prgamatic and sensible.
my siblings are refusing to speak to my mother because of her behaviour, the short version being she has had several "affairs" with so-called family friends, both married and unmarried.
i am the only one who lives locally and the only one with dcs, while they do not see a huge amount of my mum, they are fond of her. my dh wants nothing to do with her but will support me in however i want to react.
i am, frankly, reeling at her behaviour, it is so contradictory to what she preaches, so to speak and am really not sure how to behave toward her.
well done and thank you.
hit me with the mn wiseness please, as if i was ever in need of it, it is now
bit early for this, i know. have to do the nursery run anyway, but will be back later.
any advice at all, please
Sorry don't really have any advice as I haven't been in your shoes but just didn't want to leave you hanging.
Must be a big shock but personally I don't think I would want her out of my life if I found this out about my mum.
Actually, when I say I haven't been in your shoes, that's not entirely true as my mum and dad split up because my dad left her for another woman. I was very very angry for a long time (and maybe still am).
Would it be worth talking it through with someone not involved? Parents splitting up is a hard thing to deal with at any age.
PS. Having affairs doesn't make your mum a slapper. People and relationships are complicated things and we never know what goes on behind closed doors.
It needn't affect her relationship with your kids necessarily.
And, you never know what goes on in someone else's marriage, even your parents'. Is your dad totally blameless?
And, have an un-MN hug. Not an easy thing for you to find out.
I think you should start by not referring to her as a tart or a slapper.
It doesn't make her a bad mother, perhaps not a very good wife though, but who knows what your dad was like.
I think your siblings should get off their high horses tbh and hope they will when they get over the shock of the initial sitation.
Hmm, it is tricky, you don't understand why your Mother has acted this way. I agree though that if she is preachy about morals etc then it is hard to swallow her acting in this way.
My parents split up as a result of my Mother's infidelities, which were as a result of my Father never being at home and not putting the family first (in simple terms).
My Mother was very attractive and they married very young, she had a lot of offers and eventually took them up after years of being ignored really.
I was 10, I didn't really understand it all at the time, but now I can understand my Mother far more. Not saying she was right, but I have married a man the total opposite of my Father just to be on the safe side!
I can understand you must feel hurt and very disillusioned, but please try not to judge her - it won't help. She's your mum but you don't know or understand everything about her.
I don't think it helps to call her a tart or slapper. Nobody will know her reasons, but I'd be pretty sure it wasn't done lightly.
She is your mum and always will be.
NO, calling your Mom a tart or a slapper is awful.
How would you feel if your DC called you names without even talking with you about it?
Why does your DH want nothing more to do with her?
I thought we'd got away from women wearing an enormous scarlet A.
Talk to your Mother, find out why she's done what she'd done.
I know it must be hurtful, but you say your Father is pragmatic about the situation, perhaps all is not what it seems?
It's understandable that you're feeling shocked and hurt, but please give yourself time before making any decisions about your relationship with your mum. Talk to her, as you would a friend, rather than judging her and calling her names on the internet. And try really hard not to let it affect her relationship with your dcs - cheating on your husband does not automatically make you a bad grandparent.
And, can I just ask, why are some of you so quick to judge the OP's father? Maybe he's simply being pragmatic because he's an adult and is doing his best to cope with a difficult situation?
You are bound to be hurt, especially if your mother's behaviour contradicts the values instilled in you as you were growing up. Give yourself time.
My mum had affairs while married. She got divorced and then eventually had an affair with a married man who then left his wife and is now married to her. I've always been vaguely disapproving of it all but not cut her off. She was in a terribly unhappy marriage and really in denial about it all, and had this other man who she was in love with. To an extent I see it as her way of escaping - however that doesn't excuse the subsequent escapades! Like yours, my mum has no shame, expects everyone to play along and in fact is indignant if anyone has a problem with it!
I think you have to try to see your mum separately from this - it is poor behaviour but you can still salvage some kind of relationship with her, and she can still be your DCs' granny. When men have affairs and leave marriages they do get a slagging on MN but at the same time, the best outcome is when they can still be a good dad and see their DC and remain amicable. I see my mum fairly often but she doesn't live nearby so it's just on a manageable level for me. It's not the greatest relationship and I keep a certain emotional distance, but it's OK.
Re calling her a slapper, no it's not a nice term but I understand your need to do it, and actually I don't think there's any harm in letting off steam by having a rant about it.
Find out more. Try not to cut ties if you can manage it. But I can totally see how angry you must be. Why is everyone saying that the OPs father must be in some way to blame? He may be, but why assume? Some people are simply selfish. It happens. Look at the number of women on MN who get shat on from a great height. Is that their fault too?
I don't think anyone is saying that it is the Father's fault, are they?
I know in my parent's situation the blame fell pretty equally, Mom had her affairs, but she had her reasons,of course that may not be the case here.
The OP says that her Father is doing well, and is "v pragmatic and sensible", perhaps it wasn't a total shock is all I was implying. Or maybe it's a relief to have it all out in the open.
The OP won't know until she speaks with her MOther.
I can see why you are shocked/angry. People hope for their parents to be a stable unit, holding the family together and committed to the family. The family is supposed to feel like a safe, secure place to be/to be able to come back to. If one of the parents' interest is being distracted elsewhere the sense of family must feel unstable and it must make you feel less secure.
It is something I hope I wouldn't do to my DH and DCs but I can see why people do and it is hard to know how you would react if you were feeling low self esteem and then had the temptation and opportunity in front of you to do something that would give you a boost. It is easier to judge if you haven't been there.
When I read your post I was thinking your Mum must have been unhappy to be repeatedly searching for something she felt was missing elsewhere. Not necessarily something missing from your Dad, it could be something she feels is missing from her life/herself generally eg feeling the need for something to make her feel better about herself and not being able to 'get enough' because something in her life, past or recent has damaged her self esteem so much. It may not be a reflection on your Dad's ability to be a good husband at all. If she learnt how to feel contented with herself and her life she might see that there is nothing 'wrong' with what she has got.
I suppose what I'm saying is, your Mum did wrong and hurt the family, and you have every right to feel angry (expressed by calling her a slapper), but she could probably do with some help with her emotional state that caused her to do what she did in the first place. She probably wouldn't have done it out of spite or with any nasty feelings towards her family - do you think she did? Is she that sort of woman?
There must be lots of emotions - and to feel whatever you feel - it sounds like anger and humiliation and bitterness and confusion, for starters - is ok.
My mum and dad split over my dad's infidelity. I was desperately hurt a few years later when my mum was seeing a married man, whose sons were my age. He was a nice man, I thought, too, and my mum is still my mum, though I'm not proud of her for that. I guess I am saying, don't do anything that can't be mended, but let yourself feel as you feel.
My Mum had an affair or two and then left y Dad for another man when I was 14.
She has since split up with other man and had a couple more relationships.
My Dad has re-married since then and is very very happy now.
My Mum is also much happier on her own than she ever was with my Dad.
I dont agree with affairs and wouldnt do myself what Mum did then, but that doesnt affect her relationship with me really.
We're still very close and she is great with the kids.
Give it time to sink in and for you all to get over the shock and then have a think about the good parts of your relationship with your Mum and what you can hold on to.
Think about it the other way too - if you left your DH for someone else (with your own reasons for doing so) and your Mum refused to talk to you and cut off all ties with you for doing so - would you think that fair?
There are many possible reasons for your parents' marriage to have ended this way. One being that they stayed together for the sake of you and your siblings having acknowledged that they were not happy as a couple; another being that your father had no libido and it was agreed your mother should get her needs met elsewhere.
It isn't actually your job to judge your mother's sex life. It isn't actually your business.
Cutting ties would be a stupid, vindictive thing to do and would hurt your DCs (ie they would miss their grandmother badly), so don't do it.
SGB I take your points but for myself, when my mum had an affair with a married man, and expected me to keep it a secret, I did think "that is crap" especially as she wasn't even remotely sorry for his wife and kids. Adultery is not nice behaviour and someone usually gets hurt - that's why, in my case, I "judged" and I can understand why the OP feels a need to as well.
MUffle: OK it wasn't fair of her to expect you to keep her secrets for her, but other than that, it's still not anyone else's business to police another adult's sex life.
No, but you can think ill of them, you can judge them, for hurtful behaviour. Just as I might judge someone who bullies their kids, or is a nasty boss. Shagging around hurts people.
Also, I don't think the OP is trying to control or police her mum; she's just trying to deal with the feelings of shock and dismay she has about the situation. The siblings have cu off contact, the OP hasn't.
thank you everybody for your comments, it is really useful to have a variety of opinions and i mean that most sincerely.
i owuld never use the terms i have on here to refer to my mother in rl. in fact, i am being the picture of "normalness" when i see her.
it IS the fact that I was raised with an extremely high moral code that she seems to have just completely ignored. i am actually a pretty much live and let live sort of person and on the one hand, sure, she is a grown up and can do what she wants, yet, if i had behaved that way, now or younger, she would have judged judged judged and probably cut me out of her life.
i think that is the prob, her total double standards. i think that is also why my siblings have taken a stand, so to speak.
it is a bad namechange and thread title, i agree, but please see it as venting and not spiteful judging, honestly.
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