Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

The ex and our poor son :-(

(8 Posts)
CarrieBlack Sun 21-Jun-09 22:23:52

My 10 year old son really dislikes going to his dad's house. This is because he knows full well that his dad only takes him because he has to once a fortnight.

He never phones his son, never visits unless its 'his' weekend ... he takes his step-son to the park/football etc whilst telling DS that he can't afford to take him ... tells DS he has no money to take him anywhere and then posts on facebook about what a great saturday night he had getting trashed ...

He shows ZERO interest in his son basically.

DS doesn't like going, especially as when he does, his day consists of sitting in front of the TV watching his stepson play on the xbox whilst his dad sits on the computer in another room angry

Anyway, today, DS2 told is father that DS1 hates going to his house and that he'd rather stay at home and not see him at all. Apparantly ex hit the roof, had a huge go at DS, told him to "get out then, if that's how you feel" and then threw him across the room (later made out that he was just playing at this point) and was apparantly all upset about it.

DS said to him "well, what do you expect when we have to spend the whole day just sat on the sofa bored?" and he replied "I don't have the money to take you out!"

The ex and our son totally clash. They're worlds apart. Ex is matcho, football loving,lager drinking, fighting kinda bloke (lovely, I know) and DS is placid, peace-loving, tree-hugging, long-haired-hippy kinda kid. (I wouldn't have him any other way).

Now, DS really doesn't want to go again but II'm scared ex will go to court and get more access (out of spite) if he stops going sad

Should I tell DS to stop being "cheeky/nasty" whatever to his father or totally stand by him in this? I don't know what to do for the best.

FluffyBunnyGoneBad Sun 21-Jun-09 22:28:51

Stand by your child, always! He'll end up resenting you if you force him to go. He can obviously see his father for what he is. If your ex takes you to court then your son will have a say on this anyway. I'd be really concerned about the violence here aswell. It seems like spending time with his son has become a chore rather then annything else. If it were my child I'd say enough.

Alambil Sun 21-Jun-09 22:30:09

He doesn't have to go - court would take his opinion into mind if it went that far

Sounds awful - I wouldn't want to go somewhere I was ignord / bullied either

idranktheteaatwork Sun 21-Jun-09 22:33:31

If your ex did go to court for more access your son is old enough to have his opinion heard and considered so you can stop worrying on that count.

Im worried on your behalf that your ex lost his temper and threw your child across the room. Totally innapropriate.

How does your son feel about contact. I think you need to let him know that you will back him in what he wants within reason.

Your ex needs to know that his behaciour was unacceptable, i would write to him. I would write a factual but non confrontational letter setting out the events and your sons feelings.
State that youre not opposing contact but that it needs to be of benefit to your child. Ask him to suggest ways to do this.

chubbasmum Sun 21-Jun-09 22:34:00

i do sympathise with you im in the same position the only diffrence is mine is 12 ive had to put up with it because he is such a drummer queen or should i say idiot its only a matter of time wait until your son can speak up for himself but in the mean time unfortunately put up with the crap the law will be on his side if he decides to take you to court

TheCrackFox Sun 21-Jun-09 22:34:16

What Fluffy said.

It would be bad for your sons self esteem if you don't visibly side with him. Good luck.x

mrsboogie Sun 21-Jun-09 22:37:55

Let the child decide. If it makes him unhappy he shouldn't have to go there.

thumbwitch Sun 21-Jun-09 22:44:02

If your ex takes such little interest in your DS, why would he object if your DS didn't go? Why would he want to increase contact when he obviously seems to resent having your DS there in the first place? And as the others have said, at your DS's age, the court would take his opinion and feelings into consideration.

How far apart do you and your ex live? Perhaps instead of having to stay there at the weekend, your DS could just meet up with his dad somewhere neutral, IF his dad can be bothered.

I agree - at this stage, your DS needs to see that you are supporting him otherwise he could feel let down by both parents.

for you and your DS.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: