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I really don't know where this is going

(9 Posts)
Worldturnedupsidedown Sun 21-Jun-09 21:52:10

My H & I have been apart for over 2 months (did post a previous thread a little while ago - thanks SemperEdem for your advice). Anyway, we are sort of going to try again.

I say sort of as I really don't know what is going on.He seems to blow hot and cold with me. We had a huge row a few weeks ago which involved my daughter. She was screaming at him down the phone and said she hated him!! I then phoned him and told him he was destroying us. I did meet up with him the next day and we did talk. I asked him what he wanted and he said he wanted us to be a family. I said that our daughter had to come first, which he agreed.

Well, it has kind of gone on from there. He said he wants to spend time with us (every other day)He came today and cooked Sunday dinner which was nice but strange. Then he left and went back to his flat...I tried to talk to him and he says he wants us to take it easy and see what happens....I don't know what to say to him and don't really know what is on him mind. He wants to take it slowly.

It was his decision to leave as we had not been getting on too well and he said he did not feel he was in love with me anymore. I think I want to be with him but he has hurt me and I don't think he will want to acknowledge that. He does say he loves me and is attracted to me. I really don't know how to act around him and I'm not into playing games.

newmummy27 Sun 21-Jun-09 22:26:12

hi
firstly i know how you feel and it is NOT easy and i think you are right to put your daughter first, how old is she?
me and h going through v tough time too. maybe go with it and take it slowly as he says, try to rebuild some trust and heal after being hurt. it may take him some time to acknowledge the hurt he has caused you which is v real. it is v hard but maybe try to relax around him and make small talk at first. are you still attracted to him?how long have you been together?

Worldturnedupsidedown Mon 22-Jun-09 18:29:42

She is 11, we've been together 12 years. I actually tried to speak to my H this afternoon. I'm not sure where it will go from here. He gets all defensive and says hav'nt we talked about what went wrong enough.I said no and that we had to talk about it. He said again he was'nt in love with me...infact I said the same back. But he said that spending tme together might change that. I don't know...his body language is not affectionate, though he did give me a kiss goodbye.

He frustrates me so much; I wish I could detach myself from him. I am so afraid of being alone and him finding someone else....

I've already had my heart broken by him and don't want to be on a rollercoster all the time; I've got a sick feeling constantly inside.

Mumfun Mon 22-Jun-09 19:30:17

Sorry dont have much advice here but can identify with the sick feeling constantly.

Do remember to take physical care of yourself and dughter - that is most important thing.

My Dh says same thing - not in love any more.

We separated (he had affair too) and then tried to reconnect but he said it didnt work for him.

So dont know where we are now except separated.

But it sounds positive your H wants to spend time with you.

The only other thing I was told is to also build your own life -you will seeem more attractive if you are doing that rather than moping around - and sorry to say if the worst happens you are in a better position to cope.

Hope you can build your own relationship again on a positive basis (if slower than you would like)

Worldturnedupsidedown Mon 22-Jun-09 21:29:30

Its like he does'nt really want to try though. He said he would text me tonight but has'nt. I don't know where to go from here.

I try and make myself look good everytime I see him and now I think what is the point if he isn't going to love me. I can't believe I have been reduced to this...a nervous wreck.

How long have you been separated from your H?

Mumfun Tue 23-Jun-09 13:41:45

It is so awful I agree. I have been separated since end March.

I dont know how things will end - I have very bad and then better days.

Its awful if they say they will do something and then dont.

You have to try to do some things you enjoy in life and get support from some friends/relatives. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me but I have to get on with some sort of life for my under 5 children!

SolidGoldBrass Tue 23-Jun-09 13:49:54

I'm sorry you are going through this, it is miserable.
However, there are ways of making yourself feel better and starting to move on. TBH I think that what you H acutally wants is you there in the background as a kind of fallback option while he looks around for someone 'better'. I think you should start building a life for yourself and DD which features him only as a co-parent. Find something other than him to focus your attention on - build a social life for yourself, take up hobbies etc that interest you (because after all he can look after DD some of the time so you can go out and do stuff).
WHat you mustn't do is wait around going 'pleeeeeeease love me.' this is awful for your self-esteem and never works (he will come back for a bit then be off again; also, it gives him all the power and adds to his already inflated ego to have you desperately working to please him).

Worldturnedupsidedown Tue 23-Jun-09 21:59:46

Yes I think you are right and sometimes I feel abit strong and then I think of what the future holds and crumble into a heap.

He has not text'd or phoned me all day...what does that mean. I don't want to be the one to contact him as I feel like I've taken all I can take. I feel like saying 'come back and see me when you've grown some balls as you are acting like a c**t....sorry but he makes me feel so crap about myself. I love him but hate him too.

Mumfun Wed 24-Jun-09 08:04:37

Can you agree with him what contact you have. My H doenst phone/text me at all.

We have agreed when we see each other etc and when he has the children. He works away part week and the children phone him one night and I usually talk to him too.

You need this agreement for DD too - children need consistency and when they know they will see/speak to parent.

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