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my so-called fiance has just disappeared

(17 Posts)
sparkybint Sun 21-Jun-09 21:25:22

Three weeks ago my fiance sent me a text telling me we had no future and he had no desire to see me again. We'd had words over the phone the previous weekend but had I thought worked things out. In general things seemed to be going OK although circumstances were difficult. In response to being dumped by text I wrote him a long email telling him how shabbily I felt I'd been treated and also quite a few home truths, which maybe I should have aired earlier in the relationship. I wasn't rude or aggressive, just brutally honest.

He wrote a brief email back, and it was apparent that I'd really upset him (he's VERY sensitive) and I've had one text since, asking me wasn't I glad I got rid of the piece of shit on the bottom of my shoe. I had to remind him that he was the one who effectively finished it. Since then I've emailed and sent a few texts in an attempt to find out what actually happened but he's cut all communication with me. We'd been together just over a year and it had gone very fast, he proposed to me after just 4 months. I've come to realise it was a rebound relationship for me and he had loads of baggage too, not to mention our very different temperaments and 4 hours distance between us! So I've almost come to accept that the relationship wasn't going to work.

But I'm struggling very hard with the fact that he's simply vanished from my life - and this was a man who said I would always be the woman for him, basically up to the time he sent the text finishing it. I don't want him back, I just want to try and understand what he was feeling so we can have some closure. I'm very hurt, he was so loving when we were together and I never hurt him. I just can't understand why he can't be kind enough to try and explain why it went wrong for him rather than this dreadful silence. It's like the whole thing never happened but I've got a ring to prove it did. I so want to get on with my life but feel I can't without some communication from him. Any advice on how to deal with this?

warthog Sun 21-Jun-09 21:28:18

is it possible he was already in another relationship?

Dior Sun 21-Jun-09 21:29:13

He dumped you by text - forget him. He is not worth your emotion.

HolyGuacamole Sun 21-Jun-09 21:36:38

Wow, what a scumbag. Can't even talk to you to put closure on the situation. Loser, you're better off without him, but you know that already.

I have a lot of massive unanswered questions from a previous relationship, but at the end of the day I have moved on and have absolutely no wish for those questions to be answered now, although several years ago I could have exploded with frustration. Sometimes you just have to accept that some things go unexplained and even if you know the answers, it doesn't help you anyway.

There is more to life and you will see that in time (even although for the moment it is annoying), it will pass, honestly smile

Good luck.

sparkybint Sun 21-Jun-09 22:58:09

Don't think so warthog - but nothing would surprise me about him now. And thanks HG, I know in a while it won't bother me as much and knowing the answers probably wouldn't help anyway.

I'm just itching to get him on the phone (haven't tried phoning yet) and putting him on the spot. But he's such a coward he'd probably hang up...

islandlassie Sun 21-Jun-09 23:09:06

Hi His name isn't Darren is it? Cos thats the name of the guy that did the exact same thing to me.

I struggled for AAAAAAAAAAGES wondering why i just got dropped like i did then IGNORED. I was in a mess about it till i met my DH and TBH at first was still bothered just because i didnt understand which is such a hard thing but i ended up just having to say 'well, i dont know and never will, he CLEARLY was not worth it and now i can give all my worthwhile love to DH'

islandlassie Sun 21-Jun-09 23:11:01

He isnt worth your worry, it just means you can save your love for your REAL man that will be truely grateful for and see what he has gone.

Walk with your head held high

islandlassie Sun 21-Jun-09 23:11:31

**got not gone

mrsruffallo Sun 21-Jun-09 23:13:22

It's very hard when things end like this because you don't have 'closure'.
Once you step back and time has passed, tings will suddenly become clear to you. Until then, try your best to distract yourself from contacting him.

SolidGoldBrass Sun 21-Jun-09 23:15:59

Don't try to contact him. He's already demonstrated that he's a knobber, so you won't get anything positive out of further discussions - if anything, he will be rude and say hurtful things to you which you don't need to hear.
I'd sell the ring if I were you, as well.

aseriouslyblondemoment Mon 22-Jun-09 12:11:54

hi sparky first of all a big ((( ))) from me
yes can appreciate how crap you feel it's a really rotten feelingsad
i think alot of men are just too cowardly to face a woman and tell her the truth,they will either lie or do the silence thing where all communication just ceases
it is extremely hurtfulsad
agree with solid that you must resist the urge to contact him as it's going to get you nowhere atm except to feel even more crap and miserable than you already do
other than venting on here or to RL friends have you considered getting all your thoughts down on paper in a letter?
or drafting an email which is obv adressed to him but is never to be sent just like the letter idea
i think it will give you clarity of thought and some ability to reclaim your feelings
then obv.when you are feeling more positive you can then choose to delete the email and even burn the letter

YanknCock Mon 22-Jun-09 12:26:39

I think sometimes in these situations you have to just repeat to yourself 'lucky escape' over and over again.

I dated a guy for a year and was on the 'marriage track'...met each other's families, went on holidays together, went to class reunions, said 'I love you', all signs pointing to this being a permanent thing. He dropped me quite suddenly while I was in hospital, and I never got any closure with it.

Years later, my office mate and I were slagging off the men who'd done us wrong, and were googling to see what had happened to them. He wrote on some message board that he was selling fertiliser and often farted in his fiancee's face (unrelated comments!). Thank god he dumped me when he did--that so easily could have been me. grin

YanknCock Mon 22-Jun-09 12:27:15

I think sometimes in these situations you have to just repeat to yourself 'lucky escape' over and over again.

I dated a guy for a year and was on the 'marriage track'...met each other's families, went on holidays together, went to class reunions, said 'I love you', all signs pointing to this being a permanent thing. He dropped me quite suddenly while I was in hospital, and I never got any closure with it.

Years later, my office mate and I were slagging off the men who'd done us wrong, and were googling to see what had happened to them. He wrote on some message board that he was selling fertiliser and often farted in his fiancee's face (unrelated comments!). Thank god he dumped me when he did--that so easily could have been me. grin

bethoo Mon 22-Jun-09 12:34:18

He is not from Wiltshire is he? sounds liek my ex who on discovering i was pregnant decided he still loved someone else and abandoned me! now of course i think back and thank f* i did not stay with the loser otherwise i would have had no life and apparanlty throughout our relationship he was with someone else anyway telling us both he loved us!

catsmother Mon 22-Jun-09 13:41:03

It's awful when a relationship ends suddenly for whatever reason, but I know to from personal experience (a thankfully, in retrospect, very short lived marriatge that ended just like this) that it's even worse when literally from one minute to the next, someone refuses quite literally to speak to you as if you were nothing. It's natural then to berate yourself and question what on earth you could have said or done to provoke such an extreme reaction.

The thing is though, if THEY refuse to give you closure, eventually, you will come to realise that YOU have to give yourself closure, if that's not too psycho-babbly. They won't give you answers about why the relationship's ended, so you have to draw your own conclusions based on what you DO know ...... which, when you start thinking about it, isn't actually too hard to suss out.

For example, in my case, I KNEW:

* that he was an immature pathetic coward
* that he was a ridiculous mummy's boy whose decision had very likely been affected by his bitch mother's announcement that she had "changed her will" (to what exactly I will never know) immediately before he completely switched off
* that the gushings of love just a few weeks before can have been nothing of the sort (or else he would have at least shown me the respect of trying to explain what had gone wrong in his opinion - and that therefore he was a pathetic liar
* that he was shockingly rude and heartless
* that he had used me - for money and sex (again, whilst I accept relationships break down, if he couldn't / wouldn't tell me why, then that indicated that he was in it for what he could get)
* that he obviously should never have been in any sort of relationship at all let alone a marriage if he couldn't cope with the 1st problem which arose
* that all the "promises" he made meant jack shit and that he was therefore a liability

..... etc, etc, etc.

In other words, my marriage ended abruptly, without any explanation (we literally never again exchanged a spoken word) NOT because of anything I did - and I maintain I am not being unreasonable in thinking that, because, to this day, nearly 10 years on, I have still never been given an explanation - but because I had the misfortune to get embroiled with a smooth talking, pathetic lying selfish shit who obviously has big "issues" in relating to other people like a normal human being because he has a very warped sense of morality and compassion. That is HIS problem, not mine and THAT is the closure I needed.

I do appreciate that I am speaking with many years' hindsight and I'm not claiming that I was able to see any of this initially but I am sure, with time, you will be able to identify many similar traits about your ex too and hopefully also be able to accept that the relationship ended because of HIS failings, and not yours. I just thank god I never had kids with someone as intrinsically dishonest, shallow and irresponsible as that.

sparkybint Mon 22-Jun-09 20:52:06

Haven't been able to check in here all day because I was at work and it's really nice to get your posts. Thanks for the hug blondie, I do feel crap one minute and then bloody relieved the next and I'm still really struggling with the contact thing. I've just got to stop texting him and will try and take your advice catsmother and give myself closure.

Do women ever do this sort of thing I wonder? Must say I haven't come across it and your stories bear out the fact that men tend to be the cowards and just disappear. What I'm kicking myself for though is falling for all his crap and not seeing the signs sooner. It's just agony wondering what he's doing and thinking but I have to distract myself. At least I'm saved the temptation of doing a drive-by because he lives 200 miles away!

And my new mantra will be "lucky escape, lucky escape"!

linserella Tue 23-Jun-09 21:22:10

((hug)) to you sparky, how crap for you to have not even got an explanation, what a coward he is and yes, resist the urge to make contact, he isn't worth it.

I can relate thru having lost a very close friend a few months ago and i am still genuinly unclear about what i was supposed to have done (this came on the back of me having to cancel on her due to circumstances outside my control, but she was out with other friends) - tried to call, email etc - nothing, eventually sent her a long and detailed mail stating that i missed her but i wasn't going to play games and basically setting out my take on things. She didn't even have the good grace to reply, just tumbleweed, a 12 year friendship down the pan. She has a history of falling out with people and never being wrong so unless the "wrong-doer" is prepared to walk on eggshells and crawl a bit to get back into her good graces then forget it. I just made the decision that i was no longer prepared to do that but still, despite believing that and having no regrets, i AM still upset at the complete lack of explanation for closure. She avoids "confrontation" at any cost - by that, I mean confronting a situation and talking and it is cowardly - head in the sand instead. They are the ones who will come a cropper with this approach as it's plainly self-delusion.

Sorry - rambling, didn't mean to hijack, just wanted you to know i can empathise.

Not been on here awhile.

Stay strong, you deserve SO much better than that.

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