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husband secretely sending innocent emails to his ex girlfriend

(28 Posts)
janedoe Sat 03-May-03 18:36:51

I am not sure what to make of this - I was looking through dh's sent mails (we run a small business from home and I wanted to check what he'd replied to a business contact) and there was an email to his ex gf. He had split up with her before we met (over 6 years ago) but always spoke fondly of her which drove me up the wall (so he stopped), he also told me that he proposed to her in the same breath when he proposed to me (I still like to wind him up with this - very funny with hindsight). He also wanted to keep photos of her but I just flipped and they did get chucked early on in our marriage. It was an innocent email really, talking about the children and saying that he doesn't think I'd like to meet her (too damn right!!!), she's married and has a baby (that's why I've gone incognito) and he was saying how truly happy he is that she is happy blablabla. Anyway, he was also proposing meeting up for a secret lunch because after all it would be a shame to give up on their friendship!
She had contacted him through FriendsReunited.
I don't know how to feel about this - I really don't want to meet her, I'd probably spend the whole time imagining her and my dh in bed together (bit of an overactive imagination when it comes to exes) and I am hurt that my dh is doing this behind my back. But then again, it all sounds innocent enough. I guess I do get a bit nervous after hearing all these stories of people getting back together with their exes after meeting on FriendsReunited.

Toblerone Sat 03-May-03 18:46:30

Janedoe - I would be angry at the fact he kept it secret from you, but it sounds innocent enough. Is it totally out of the question that you meet her? Maybe that'll set your mind at rest. 6 years is a long time and I'm sure they've not much common now anyway.

How will your dh react if you tell him you've read his emails? If he'll be cool with it just ask for an explanation. If it really upsets you then ask him to stop, afterall, how would he feel if the tables were turned???

Let us know what he says...

eidsvold Sat 03-May-03 20:24:55

if it is all innocent why the secrecy?!?! Just my thought. You could suggest checking out friends reunited together for different people and suggest her - see what response you get - I figure if it all innocent he would tell you BUT i don't know your husband ...he moght be concerned about your reaction.

Jimjams Sat 03-May-03 20:55:48

Doesn't sound dodgy yet- but I would not be at all happy with a secret lunch! Why don't you tell him the truth- how you saw the email- and that you'd really rather he didn't meet his ex for lunch.

I occasionally email an ex of mine (or he emails me), but I always tell dh - we were all at college together and they were quite good friends.

I wouldn't keep in contact with other exes who weren't ever friends of dh's - it would feel very disloyal.

jodee Sat 03-May-03 22:08:13

I think you are going to have to speak to him about it - yes, it may be innocent, but if it's a secret lunch, would he tell you about it afterwards? This is constantly going to be on your mind, thinking have they met up yet, what did they talk about, etc., you will always be checking your inbox/sent box for emails. Your DH knows how you feel about his ex (which is probably why he is keeping it secret, not knowing what you would think), but he is married to YOU not her and you should come first.

Exchanging emails about babies, how work is going, etc. is one thing, and I guess you would be easy about that if it were out in the open - secret lunch meetings is quite another matter!

monkey Sun 04-May-03 09:17:55

tbh, I don't see it as innocent. I don't want to upset you. I'mn sure lots of people will disagree, but I think a platonic friendship between a man & woman, especially a couple who share a history that nearly led to marriage, is (nigh on) impossible.

He kept it secret. He would probably argue just so he didn't get any aggro from you. BUT, imo, secret anythings with a woman, especially an ex that he is so fond of is highly dodgy.
She contacted him - Maybe it was out of innocent curiosity, but I would be more inclined to be supicious of her motives.

I think you've got to tackle him & politely but firmly ley him know that this is not on.

Tissy Sun 04-May-03 09:42:06

He didn't keep it *that* secret, though. He left the message on a computer you have access to. Did he actually propose a secret lunch, specifically excluding you/ her dh, or are you assuming it would be secret because he didn't tell you about it? Maybe he was waiting for a reply before broaching the subject with you?

I think that if he were seriously intending a clandestine meeting with her he wouldn't leave the message for you to find. I think you should tell him you saw the email, and it worried you- he knows how you feel about this woman, after all.

beetroot Sun 04-May-03 09:48:08

Message withdrawn

Wills Sun 04-May-03 10:50:49

OK its hands up time for me. I am still in contact with my ex. For a little while I texted him via phones without telling my dh. I assure you that for me he is a friend and in the end I told my dh because I can't bear there to be any deceit between us whatsoever. Now its completely above board. As would be expected he's not keen that I speak to this person and I try not to and I've only ever kept it to text messages. However I enjoy this person's conversations he still makes me laugh and so I always reciprocate when he sends a message. Also he's a best friend of my brother and my brother has been going through a very tough time recently and its been good to talk to someone else who cares as much for my brother as I.

I thought long and hard about this man and even should a terrible thing happen and I lost my dh I would still not want a relationship with my ex. Its history and we split up because it wasn't meant to go forward. I found my dh but my ex has never found anyone else which to my dh makes him dangerous. I understand this and when the first contact was made I didn't tell my dh because I simply didn't believe we would stay talking and didn't want the "hassle"! I can't justify this and simply appologised to my dh.

Should I allow my dh to choose my friends for me? After all I get on with an ex of his extremely well - although admittadely they only went out on two dates.

You sound far more insecure than my husband, I probably have pictures somewhere but neither of us would go through our pictures getting rid or what is inessence our history and part of what made us what we are. I can't justify his not telling you and this would make me angry and did anger my dh when I did admit to the messages. Luckily for me I admitted and was not discovered. I think you should tackle him and have a go at him about being decitful but not about conversing with an ex. I would also propose that you go to their lunch. If after this he is decietful again THEN I would worry.

Hope I've helped. Possibly he does still care possibly he doesn't - I just wanted to give you a truly innocent version of the "other person's" perspective. Oh and dh watched me type this.

doormat Sun 04-May-03 13:47:48

You must be worried sick. I would let him know that you have seen the email sent to his ex. I would also make it quite clear that you want to go out on this "secret" lunch as you would like to meet her (even if it makes your skin crawl) And as an added suggestion to your dh why not her dh aswell (that she is so happy with) come along too!!
It would make for one uncomfortable situation on all sides wouldn't it.It would also get rid of any secrecy going on.
I don't know what to make of the situation it could be innocent or not. I really do not know and your head must be wrecked.But I would not let anything be kept from you and I would monitor the situation closely.Hope everything goes well.

janedoe Sun 04-May-03 15:26:41

thanks for the replies! I think dh thinks it's all innocent really but he can be really naive. I'd feel better about it all if he hadn't repeatedly told me in the past about their strong feelings for each other and that he wanted to marry her etc (but she said no and they split up). Wills, yes I am insecure! I have got better though. I don't know if I'd still insist on chucking photos (they were poster-sized too which was just a bit much!). And he would have probably told me if I hadn't thrown hissy fits in the past. :-/
I think I'll leave it all for a bit - dh is usually at home all day working so if he went out for lunch somewhere I would know - maybe he'll tell me if she says that she wants to meet up.

Fionn Sun 04-May-03 18:48:32

janedoe - I could write a book on jealousy of exes! I once made a new boyfriend burn his address book in front of me, so terrified was I that he'd keep in touch with his exes. (I did eventually get counselling for this problem, which just happened to be my form of insecurity). When I met dp he told me he had an ex that he'd had a 17-year relationship with. I found this very very hard to deal with, especially as she was still living in the same town as him and I was in another country! He'd tell me when they met up, which was brave of him as it always caused me to scream down the phone at him and be depressed for days afterwards. Anyway, after a few years I steeled myself to meet her one day when dp was meeting her for a drink. The apprehension was awful, I felt like I was coming face to face with my Room 101. The meeting was be continued

Fionn Sun 04-May-03 18:53:20

Sorry, seemed to run out of space! Anyway, dp's father had just died and the ex (call her Susan) kept putting her hand on dp's knee etc. She knew I'd had a problem with meeting her and I couldn't believe how insensitive she was. I left the pub...But a year later I tried again and felt more secure when dp were obviouslt committed, living together and with a baby on the way. All this to say that I think your husband is innocent of anything deceitful and is not telling you because he knows how badly you'll react. I'm in contact with a few exes and think it's healthy. I now don't mind dp seeing his ex (which he does about twice a year) but I fell out with her a while ago and no longer accept her coming to visit us here as she used to.

Sorry to ramble on...!

Marina Sun 04-May-03 18:59:47

Why not suggest a nice family lunch at your place - him, you, her and her dp. She can bring a pudding. And all your might wrong-foot him a bit? I would say from what you have said that although this is probably innocent, I'd not want it to go any further either. And I would feel hurt at the very suggestion of a clandestine lunch, too. Hope you get it sorted, Janedoe.

crystaltips Sun 04-May-03 19:18:53

could have had my pudding that was not eaten
See "friends ..." on other thread!

jasper Sun 04-May-03 23:58:26

janedoe I exchange emails with my exhusband from time to time and see him at my work every few months. The emails are there on our shared computer for current dh to see should he so wish to. If dh asked me to cut off all contact I would be very annoyed.

Maybe you should mention in passing "I see you got an email from so and so".

It does not sound on the face of it that there is any cause for concern.

Norny Mon 05-May-03 00:20:47

I agree with Marina. To suggest such a thing may stop him in his tracks or be the best thing ever (may be best friend making in it for you - not).

While I was reading your message DH came in and read it, said it sounded pretty innocent to him and that your initial response to your dh's ex was what caused him to go 'underground' and not keep you in the picture re his contact with her.

I on the otherhand would be highly suspicious and would question the motive behind it - even if relatively innocent. It would make me question what he's getting out of this and is he getting off on the idea of meeting up with her to get a buzz out of possible flirtation (again I stress innocent)> If this was my conclusion I would take quite a bit of time digesting it all. But inviting her + hubby+ kids to your house for Sunday dinner would really put a spin on it and give you plenty to observe before deciding whether or not to gt wroked up about it. Whatever you decide always remain calm and appear not very interested when broaching the topic with hubby - you probably will get more inofr this way.

tallulah Mon 05-May-03 11:51:49

I'm in regular contact (text/email) with an ex I went out with in 1979 at the age of 16! He also came to our wedding (20 years ago) & the christening of DS2! DH was always ok with it until he read some of the texts & got very insecure.. I make sure I delete them now.

I'm also in contact with 3 "boys" who were my friends when I was 17. They are married, with children & there is no ulterior motive. It's just catching up with the past in the same way as you would with an old girlfriend. I must say that every time I read a thread like this I wonder if the author is the wife of anyone I'm in contact with!!!

mum2toby Mon 05-May-03 11:55:14

Do you have any further updates Janedoe? Have youasked him or has he said anything?

janedoe Mon 05-May-03 12:48:19

LOL crystaltips! :-) haven't said anything and don't think I will (unless he suddenly decides to go out for lunch in the near future!). Not sure whether she'll reply, anyway. I presume it's innocent but don't really want him to meet up with his old flame - I don't think I'd throw a fit though (unless he did it secretely), I'd just be a bit pissed off. I wish he'd been less gushy ('you must be a wonderful mother' - excuse me whilst puke!) in his email to her but that's what he's like.
I am also in touch with male friends from school but it's a different kettle of fish, I don't mind dh having female friends just please not someone he desperately wanted to marry! Ok, enough of the green eyed monster.

richierich11 Thu 17-Sep-15 12:08:32

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sofato5miles Thu 17-Sep-15 12:18:47


moopymoodle Thu 17-Sep-15 17:14:58

It doesn't sound innocent to me. I think he sees her as the one who got away, sorry op don't want to upset you but wanting to keep posters and gushing about her constantly screams he still has feelings. People often want what they can't have, I will probably get flamed for been so suspicious but I've been there and I've been on the other side of it. I once met a man and things ended and I was gutted. I went on to get engaged to somebody else and even have children but I always wondered about this man. Well my then fiancé and I drifted apart and I messaged the one that got away and the rest is history. . We are married now!

No two situations are the same and had he not expressed such enthusiasm for her I'd think nothing of it. I'd not mention the email and see if he meets her anx keep an eye on the emails and texts

Joysmum Thu 17-Sep-15 17:34:53


BalloonSlayer Thu 17-Sep-15 18:00:26

Ah! I was just thinking "Friends Reunited??????" grin

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