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How should I be feeling.....?

(17 Posts)
geisha Sun 21-Jun-09 19:20:30

....and what would you do if you were me?

Have been married to dh for almost 3 years, but had dd's beforehand, so have been living together since '02. We both work fulltime but he is the main breadwinner. dh always took care of the finances etc and I did not concern myself with finances until soon before we got married and I thought that I should have some insight. dh refused to tell me anything, saying he was the man of the family and the finances were his concern. I have revisited this a number of times over the last 2 years as I became increasingly concerned that we were getting into dept - always to bit met with the same response from dh.

Last week I decided to start opening the ever increasing white letters that keep arriving, only to find out what I thought I always knew - that dh is in a alot of dept. I have been hiding the letters and trying to pay off what I can. He realsied his letters were missing...I'm a rubbish liar and the fact that I opened his letters obviously didn't go down well, even thought it was well meant. Lots of arguing ensued and I found out that he lost between £80k and £100k on stocks and shares about 2 yrs ago. I always knew he dabbled and expressed my opinion that now we have a family and home we cannot take such risks, but my opinion was ignored.

How should I feel? What would you do in my shoes?

FigmentOfYourImagination Sun 21-Jun-09 19:23:22

I sure as heck wouldn't be paying it off and keeping schtum !

I would keep the letters and present them to him and reiterate (in as non confrontational way as possible) that you need to be put in the financial picture. Once you both know the full extent of the debt you can then sit down and work a way around it. You cannot shoulder the debt alone.

Is he still adding to the debt ?

FigmentOfYourImagination Sun 21-Jun-09 19:23:53

I bet he doesn't know the full extent either.

Quattrocento Sun 21-Jun-09 19:29:35

When you say lost a lot of money on stocks and shares what do you mean?

See, share prices are down right now. We are all in the same boat.

It's only a problem financially if your DH borrowed money to buy the shares and now is having difficulty making the repayments.

What debt have you got?

The subject of financial awareness is an interesting one. I think many women abdicate financial responsibility or have financial responsibility taken away from them.

It is an absolute necessity for you to understand your finances. When it comes to making investments, you should have a say in what investments you choose to make, and clearly you are more risk averse than your DH.

geisha Sun 21-Jun-09 19:30:03

Have done this figment, thanks.
He is not adding to the dept now.
I feel like I have been cheated...that he has been deciptful (?sp) and that my opinion on the matter was completely ignored.
I'm wondering why he would be so iresponsible and selfish?

HecatesTwopenceworth Sun 21-Jun-09 19:34:16


not saying it's right but does he feel it's his job to 'look after you'? Or is he just a man who feels the little woman should keep her pretty little head out of man's business?

In your shoes? I'd tell him I was an equal partner in the relationship or no partner, and be prepared to vote with my feet if he continued to claim that the financial situation was none of my business.

geisha Sun 21-Jun-09 20:29:39

Quattro - not really sure yet. I pressume he borrowed money, invested it and lost it.

Hecates - the words equal partner have been uttered by my very self over this weekend.

Would you see a financial advisor?

Should I cancel non-essential things like my cleaner £35 per wk (I pay), Sky box (£16 month he pays) straight away?

Would anyone else feel cheated, disrespected, not treated as an equal? etc

geisha Sun 21-Jun-09 20:30:36

def feels its his job to look after me.

Quattrocento Sun 21-Jun-09 22:22:39

You really need to get to the bottom of the financial situation before working out what to do about it IMO.

So, first establish what the debts are. All of them including credit cards. Then establish what the assets are - if you say he has bought stocks and shares, the situation may not be as bleak as you think. He may still own them and the share prices will probably recover at some stage. He's only actually realised the loss if he bought the shares at a high price then subsequently sold them at a lower price IYSWIM.

Make this a priority - you absolutely must know the extent of the financial problem. How much debt are we talking? £5k? £50k? £500k? Then you can work out a strategy for repaying it all. Take control and don't allow yourself to be fobbed off.

ABetaDad Sun 21-Jun-09 22:39:56

If you subtract all his debts from the value of his assets - is there anything left?

If he has no net assets or even a large net deficit then he should declare bankruptcy.

On no account should you attach your name to the debt, guarantee it, or offer to help pay them off or even acknowledge any letter from a creditor yourself.

chubbasmum Sun 21-Jun-09 22:45:46

hi hun sorry to say this but your hubby does not respect you and a marriage is supposed to be 50/50 and i know every woman loves to be looked after and shaddowed from debts but this takes the biscuit its your money too hun ive been in your shoes my ex and his lies and debts had to go

geisha Mon 22-Jun-09 06:40:53

Thanks everyone for the advice. Much of it is common sense but it can be hard to see the wood for the trees when you are in the middle of the problem and I'm totally gutted and petrified of losing our home that I cannot think straight. Will demand to know all assets and depts and also look into wht declaring backruptcy means. I'll be back for advice, I'm sure.

geisha Mon 22-Jun-09 06:53:04

would anyone involve a financial advisor and how do you find a good one? I would normally always go on prsonal recommendation but not aware of anyone who has used one.

I can't think of anything else, I am totally proccupied. I am angry that he has been so greedy, despite making my opinion known and hurt that he has tried to hide this from me for so long. He has recently allowed me to spend £500 on decorating the lounge, £700 on decking, booked flights for £2000 - why? Why not just say we can't afford that at the moment? arggghhhhh!

NotQuiteCockney Mon 22-Jun-09 06:55:55

I think, in this situation you need to see a debt advisor - I'd talk to CAB. Financial advisors are (I think?) about spending money, not fixing debts.

ABetaDad Mon 22-Jun-09 07:36:22

Yes I agree with NotQuiteCockney - a fiancal advisor will only be interested isn selling things like insurance, invesment products and the like.

A debt counselor is what you need and the CAB debt pages are a good place to start and then get an apointment. However to get help you need to be able to reveal the full picture.

traymca Mon 22-Jun-09 14:58:05

you could also try looking at the web site, they have a dealing with debt board on there and tons of useful tools!!!

geisha Mon 22-Jun-09 21:19:13

I have found out that he sold the stocks & shares that he lost money on so they are dead and gone. there is no hope...

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