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Am i being too stubborn? issues with dad on fathers day!

(18 Posts)
Ryn Sun 21-Jun-09 17:52:14

Loads of hassle with exp been documented in other threats but for those that havent read, he abused me and put my daughter at countless risk of physical harm til we left him Oct 07. In court now over access etc etc. Now 32 weeks pg with newDP who is fantastic!

Anyway, EXP somehow managed to turn my own father against me, he is an emotional abuser and my dad has similar traits. SO we havent seen my dad since Dec07 nor heard from him. He left me and my DD to cope with awful abuse once EXP left, lost my job etc etc police, court etc.

I am now used to him not being in my life and my DD doesnt even know who he is let alone think of him as grandfather.

My brother has been trying to make peace between us but my dad has said he wont contact me for fear of rejection which suits me as i have enough dealing with pregnancy, court case, abuse from exp and general life.

Had message through brother today saying would i meet dad for coffee this week. I immediately cried. I just dont think that I can face it!

It will rear all my old feelings. He betrayed me and left me and my dd who was 10 months old at time to cope alone. (til new DP came along 6 months later).

Am i wrong to close the door forever? Should he at least ring me in person? Advice pleasesad

bohemianbint Sun 21-Jun-09 17:56:05

Don't do it. You're pregnant. You have enough on your plate. Bad sign he can't' even be arsed to contact you himself.

Sorry for brief fly by - but I wouldn't, not now. Hope things pick up and congratulations on your pregnancy!

HecatesTwopenceworth Sun 21-Jun-09 17:58:51

I would say no. I have never believed that just because you happen, through an accident of birth, to share genes with someone you have to have them in your life if they are horrible.

Only you can know what's right in your situation.

Do you love him?
Do you miss him?
If he came back into your life, would he just be the same with you and how would that affect you?
What would he bring to your child's life? I mean, how would you child benefit from his input? What if he made your child feel the way you do?

If your dad really cared, I mean really cared, he'd take that chance at rejection because he'd know that it was HIM that needed to make the effort. Are you sure that you will not be expected to make contact with him and be the one who does the running and it end up with you basically apologising for not taking all his shit, while he sits back and graciously hmm allows you back into his life?

Any resumed contact should be on your terms! If he's not prepared to do that - is he worth it?

Ryn Sun 21-Jun-09 18:16:55


thats how i feel. that if he can leave us to rot when i had my exp trying to run us off road and break in etc then why should i run along at his first effort?

he lives 2 minutes away and only 2 weeks ago drove past me and DD in street and stared at us!

that would have been perfect chance to stop and speak and meet his only granddaughter.

he knows i have lost my job been on anti d's etc etc and done nothing. He is a millionaire and we are living on breadline and i think he thought i would go crawling for the money but i am not that shallow!

besides, it never comes for free. always a cost... usually a big emotional blackmailing one!

as for my DD and one on way, he would bring what he brought me, a life time of false promises and disappointments and the constant demand to make HIM feel better! smile

Brother NOT happy, thinks i should hear him out, but will probably cry, or tell him to fck off! Neither of which I want to do. I am a different person to the one he last spoke to and I dont think he would like it!

HecatesTwopenceworth Sun 21-Jun-09 18:27:13

Then there's your answer. You've moved on. He's part of the past and it doesn't sound like you want to revisit it.

mamas12 Sun 21-Jun-09 18:31:32

Does your brother really want to be go between Ask him if he really wants to know exactly why you hurt so much through the mis treatment of you.
If so, sit him down and tell him EVERYTHING then ask him what he would do.

whereismumhiding Sun 21-Jun-09 19:49:50

No. You're not being too hard.

You mentioned that your dad has similiar emotionally abusive traits to your exP.

I suspect you'd be better off without them both in your life.

There isnt a rule book that says you have to let your parents mistreat you forever. You're an adult now, you choose who is in your and your DCs' lives. If he's not good enough, he's not good enough, that's absolutely your call. Dont feel guilty.

My ex-H was abusive. He criticised my parents - I was a battered and controlled child with my sister who is still seeing a clinical psychologist because of our childhood - but also when we split H started to align himself a bit with them. It's part of a game. Your dad was playing it too with your H.

Controlling men seek out other controlling men as they understand each other, and they can justify their behaviour and blame it all on you together.

No normal good enough dad would let his DD be mistreated by her P or exP and stand back, and not be round there to protect and support you. If he has made you feel in the wrong in some way, sorry he's just NOT a GOOD ENOUGH DAD!!! He did nothing to protect you or his GrandDC. I would never stand by and let someone mistreat my DC as a mum. I might not get involved if DC didnt want me to, but I would bl**dy well be round their house cuddling them and saying what do you want me to do.

You do what feels right to you and don't let anyone guilt you into meeting up for a coffee with someone who makes you instantly cry at the thought of it!!

Kimi Sun 21-Jun-09 20:03:30

I think you need to think of your your child and your bump, Your father made his choice, you are better off without him

Ryn Sun 21-Jun-09 20:35:50

thank you everyone!!! that is just what i wanted to hear!

much appreciated

he can go and bother someone else!


JackBauer Sun 21-Jun-09 20:40:55

I agree with all the others.
I haven't spoken to my father for about 6 years (long story - short version is that he's an utter bastard[smile[) but 2 of my sisters still speak to him all the time. About 4 years ago I was told by my sister that he was in intensive care with leukemia and probably not going to survive the week.
I drove to London and stayed with now SIL ready to go and visit him the next day.
That night I wept all night and kept dithering until (now)Dh decided at about 3am that we were not going as it was upsetting me too much.
Needless to say I didn;t go, he didn't die, and I haven't spoken to him since.
every year my sisters tentativley mention that he would like to see DD's or me and I tell them that he can go fuck himself.

As far as I am concerned he does not exist and I firmly believe that you are doing the right thing not to contact/visit him.

Ryn Mon 22-Jun-09 14:04:00

OMG that must have been so hard JackBauer - such a dilemma regarding the hospital visit.

I often wonder what I would do in that situation too. But then the 'tough' version of me kicks in and I think that he left us when we were in fear of our lives and still slept soundly and managed a month long safari in south africa.

I always try to be the better person but ultimately I guess self preservation has to come first.

On hearing that I wont be summonsed for coffee this week, he has sent a message to say he will never try again! Well, i guess that makes my decision the right one. He didnt even contact me when I found out that my DD is 50% risk of an incurable genetic disease which could kill her by her 40's. There is only so much fogiving I can do!!!!

my mum left him 25 years ago for someone else and he has NEVER been able to get over it, despite being with his new wife for 20 years, the venom he spouts about my mum is horrendous. Guess I have now replaced her in his 'hated' league! He has always accused me of siding with her, since the age of 9 when he threatened to leave the country and I would never see him again as i had betrayed him!!! that plus a zillion more stories throughout my childhood!

guess my exp was a carbon copy! when he (exp)threw hot coffee and me and my DD by father actually DENIED it to people!!!!!!!!!

Ryn Mon 22-Jun-09 14:07:09

sorry for typo

last sentence should read

when my exp threw hot coffee at me and my DD (in my face) my dad actually denied it to people AND told me NOT to have him prosecuted!!! (i didnt have him arrested on his advice, one of my biggest regrets now!)

JackBauer Mon 22-Jun-09 20:48:46

Ryn, sounds like your dad and mine shoudl get together, they woudl get along like a house on fire....

The thing I find the hardest is when people who have lovely kind fathers start with the 'But he's your dad, you only get one, how would you feel if he died and you hadn't spoken to him/let him meet DD's' as I find it so hard to explain it to them.
DH didn't truly understand until a few years ago, and I have been with him for 13 years, and he has seen what my father has done with his own eyes.

I don't talk about it in RL unless I truly trust the person not to shock face and start querying, otherwise I just say <ominous voice> I Have No Father

(Not really, obviously, but you see what I meansmile)

Ryn Tue 23-Jun-09 09:08:44

I totally understand what you mean JsckB. I look at other people and wonder how I ended up with him.

Makes matters worse that he is a 'well respected' business man in this area and everyone thinks he is so generous and wonderful! They also assume I must be well looked after financially when the truth is I have never had anything and worked for every penny (which isnt a bad thing but people pre judge me as having loads of money).

If only they knew!!! Have an evil stepmonster too who couldnt have kids therefore has always tried to keep us well away!

Took DD to see her new preschool this week. I go by a diff surname to the family one but one of the nursery nurses put two and two together and realised who HE was and started banging on about how he must be a great grandad and that they need to raise money for things..... couldnt bring myself to say anything but if mentioned again will say I am not in contact with him!!! Otherwise they think I am moneybags (currently claiming job seekers......and he is one of the biggest employers in area!)

People just wouldnt believe me!!!!

Used to be a stockbroker through sheer hard work and to make him proud of me. Didnt work! Day I qualified my name was in FT and he didn even bother to buy a copy! Made some lie up about it not being published in scotland!!!!

Only time it suited him was when he was at golf club and could tell his friends he 'got me the job'. He didnt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry.... its all coming out now! smile

JackBauer Tue 23-Jun-09 15:24:53

thats so funny ( if you see what i mean!) mine was a big member of church, used to read lessons and everything. Once i told the priest he had beaten me, and the priest dragged me out of confession by my arm and berated me in front of the whole church calling me an ebil child. And then told my father. And people wonder why i am a lapsed catholic! Twats!

Ryn Tue 23-Jun-09 16:50:15

and there is me trying to get DD1 into catholic school, perhaps i should rethink!!!!

guess the only good to come out of it is that we wont ever repeat the mistakes with our own. I tell my DD1 and will DD2 that I am proud of her every single day and I love her very much! She probably will grow up with huge issues over that wink

JackBauer Tue 23-Jun-09 17:34:46

Oh I am the same, very careful to praise and tell them I love them, and massive guilt when I do have to tell them off!

it is hard when they are 'loved' by everyone else, as you really hesitate before saying anything in case they don't believe you and make it worse by speaking to your father and making it worse.
I have to say, your situation does not sound great, but you are doing brilliantly to keep out of his influence!

(and am v impressed at stockbrokergrin)

(above was posted from my mobile while DD's were burying me in lego, I obviously meant Evil....grin)

Ryn Tue 23-Jun-09 19:37:08

Stockbroker not so impressive as now on the dole! I left after all the ex abuse. 8 years of climbing the ladder and being successful and he destroyed all of my confidence so just couldnt do it anymore. Bloody Ex! Cant believe someone could influence me like that.

Anyway, best job in world at mo, being a Mum and cooking another DD!

Thanks for all of your kind words! You are an inspiration x

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