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Am I wrong to feel upset?

(11 Posts)
Houseofpants Sat 20-Jun-09 12:19:42

Can't stop crying this morning,and need to get this down..Sorry if it end's up long!

Been with hubby 14 years and atm just think feels different.We moved a year ago and I am struggling to form friendships(older children so not the school run etc),so the only person I have is Dh.He gets his own time,as he's always online gaming and therein lies the main problem,he gets home from work and after pleasentries logs on that's it then,I won't see him.He spends all his time on the pc,or on the phone talking to his mate about the game.

I've tried talking to him,but as any gaming widow knows I could be telling him I've won a million or am about to strip off,he just doesn't listen.Sometimes he will be affectionate and I feel happy for a while(I'm talking just holding hands,hugs).Then he seems to completley withdraw and I'm left wondering what I've done wrong.Last week I noticed he only spoke to me to ask what was for tea,and where things were sad I feel like I'm just a maid tbh!

Fastforward to this weekend and he's gone on a stag weekend,have been a bit grumpy about it as it was only supposed to be a day trip but now is clubs and overnighter...I got upset because I'd booked a table for fathers day,and he got cross because I shouldn't have booked last night I was a bit teary(due on so not helped)as I haven't seen him all week,and he turned up with a friend,put on a smily face and cooked dinner for us all,thinking great when his mate leaves we'll get some time(had already told him earlier I felt like his mother and not wife!)we got into bed and he started saying your just jealous because I've got a life,what are you worried about I don't drink.I didn't want to argue so made a cup of tea,and had 5 mins,got back into bed and he snarled 'one word bunny boiler',I couldn't sleep after that.This morning he doesn't say anything while he's getting ready,goes to say bye to the kids,then leaves,no goodbye.Am I wrong to want to spend some time with him,I feel like I've done something wrong and I'm not sure what?

It's the small things I miss most,the hugs,the kisses.I've tried to give him hugs and he just shrugs me off,I just don't know what to do any more.I didn't think it made be a bad person to just want to spend some time with him without the computer or his friend always being there.

Lizzylou Sat 20-Jun-09 12:23:32

Gosh, poor you.
The Bunny Boiler comment was very out of order.
I think you need to sit down and talk about this, he has withdrawn from family and marital life.
Sorry sad

drlove8 Sat 20-Jun-09 12:32:34

id just leave tbh, sad you cant live like that .He's just not interested by the sound of it. He might be depressed , but its still no excuse for the nasty attitude.

drlove8 Sat 20-Jun-09 12:34:50

Sorry to ask this but , is there a chance he's got an OW? Men tend to act like twunts when they're amused elswhere...sadangry

BunnyLebowski Sat 20-Jun-09 12:38:59

Oh dear houseofpants....that's horrible behaviour and you have every right to feel upset sad

I had a similar situation with DP years ago pre dd......he was spending far too much time pc gaming and our relationship was suffering. Eventually we had a big chat about it and he admitted that he'd been using it as an escape as he was failing at uni and didn'y want to face up to it. From that day he more or less stopped gaming, got his ass to uni and sorted himself out.

Now it's the occasional game when dd is in bed or when me and dd are away visiting family.

His bunny boiler comment was nasty and uncalled for. On a pedantic note you should have corrected and said "that's 2 words actually"!

Bottom line his actions are not those of a loving happy husband and father. It needs to be addressed.

BunnyLebowski Sat 20-Jun-09 12:40:38

Do you think it's possible that he's got something going on that's making him want to "escape" or as drlove says possibly an OW?

I really hope not for your sake but it could explain his behaviour sad

Houseofpants Sat 20-Jun-09 12:40:57

I don't know drlove,he spends a lot of time with this mate who also games,but he's in a long distance relationship...I did wonder for a while if he wanted the single lifestyle with the perks of married life(someone to cook clean etc)!

HolyGuacamole Sat 20-Jun-09 12:51:42

My DH plays computer games loads, it doesn't bother me because it doesn't impact on our relationship (he knows himself when it is reasonable to step away from the Playstation IYSWIM) and that is probably the key for you, that it is having a detrimental effect. A hobby is fine but when it gets to the point where he is zombified in front of a screen to the point where he is not interacting with you is not on.

Apart from him thinking that you are nagging him, does he actually realise that his relationship is being jeapordised?

If I were you, I'd get a hobby, force yourself to get out and try new things, you really must. It may make him pay attention when he sees that your attention is being diverted elsewhere? Right now he probably thinks that he is fine because he 'has a life' and that all you do is moan and try to stop him from enjoying himself. I am NOT saying he is right at all, just hazarding a guess as to what might be in his head.

I'd talk to him and tell him that you are going to try and make effort to get your own hobby but also that you expect him to make an effort in terms of your relationship, that you feel the affection is falling by the wayside and that he needs to help with making the dinner etc. You both need to compromise and meet in the middle. He needs to also stop making comments like bunny boiler, that is so not on!!

Also, stop being his mother. If you continue to cook and clean around him when he is gaming, there is no reason for him to re-evaluate the situation.

Houseofpants Sat 20-Jun-09 13:00:45

Holy thankyou that makes sense,he probably doesn't realise as we don't talk-will talk to him properly tomorrow when he gets back and don't need to be told twice to stop cooking and cleaning.

poshsinglemum Sat 20-Jun-09 13:17:45

You are right to be upset. He's behaving like a jerk.

warthog Sat 20-Jun-09 19:04:20

i second holyguacamole. she's on a roll tonight.

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