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Please read, I feel so awful right now! Atila or someone help??

(55 Posts)
PlumBumMum Sat 20-Jun-09 11:21:12

I don't even know where to put this, it could be a WWYD

Basically I haven't spoke to my father since the day after my dd2 was born,2.7 years ago

Abit of background my father has ruined every family occassion I have ever had,
my graduation (had a row with my mother because the camera wouldn't work)
my wedding (had a row with the man taking the wedding video)
the day my dd1 was born(had a row with my mother in the hosp)
the list goes on of the many times he has thrown a 'tantrum'as I call them and ruined a special occassion
So the day after dd2 was born he threw another tantrum in the hospital over her second name,
this was the last straw for me, and to cut along story short I haven't spoke to him or let him see my 3dcs until I get an apology, which hasn't come because he dosen't think he has done anything wrong!

Now in this time my mother has been keeping in touch and I used to see her once a week, over the last couple of weeks I haven't seen my mother very much, my father has not been well and I think she expected me to go and make it up with him and now realises it isn't going to happen

So to get to the point my dd1 (8) has her end of year dance show in a big theatre, I bought tickets for me, dh, mil and my mum to go tomorrow night

My mother has just rang me and said
I'm not going to be able to go tomorrow night because its Fathers Day, and with the way things are I don't think I should leave your daddy on his own on fathers day hmm

I said thats ok, she said she would give me the money for the ticket and I said no it didn't matter, it was ok I had to go she said bye and that was it

I wanted to scream at her
1 he's not your father
2 You can tell your granddaughter your not going to her show
3 Your a bitch and I can't believe your doing this to me
She told me years ago if he ever made her chose between him and her children she would always chose us!hmm

My dh has just exploded and is never going to speak to my mother again, I feel numb and now I have to tell my 8 year old that her nanny is not coming to see her show(which is a major deal to her!)

I am sitting here numb, I feel like a terrible person because I feel like I should feel more and say more but I have cried to her before about how hurt I am and she just says how do I think she feels!

I feel sick and I don't know what kind of relationship I want with my mother anymore she has let me down so many times

What would You do?

idranktheteaatwork Sat 20-Jun-09 11:25:45

Although your dad sounds like he has been a nob over the years i think you are being unfair to expect your mum to choose between her sick husband and her daughter.

There will be more dance shows, it's not the last one ever.

PlumBumMum Sat 20-Jun-09 11:26:47

She has just rang me, and I said I can't talk right now,
and she said your all cross and angry with me
and I said well yess
she said can you not see how this makes me
and I said mum I can't talk about this now, I'll talk to
She put the phone down

I am sitting here shaking

I'm going to go get my dcs washed and dressed, I don't know what I want to say to her I just want to tell her to f'off I've spent the last 2 years feeling like crap over this and I just feel like she dosen't care

PlumBumMum Sat 20-Jun-09 11:28:02

She s not going to the dance show because I'm not speaking to him, not because he's sick!

lucykate Sat 20-Jun-09 11:30:02

she does care, but her loyalties are split between her husband and her daughter

Lizzylou Sat 20-Jun-09 11:30:16

I feel bad for your Mother, it is an awful situation to be in.
How ill is your Father?
Perhaps is more ill than you know?

idranktheteaatwork Sat 20-Jun-09 11:30:57

It sounds like she is an awkward position where she is damned whatever she does.

I feel sorry for both of you tbh.

Lizzylou Sat 20-Jun-09 11:32:28

You say that your Father has ruined every family occasion, what was he like just on a day to day level, you know popping round for tea type of situation?

Comewhinewithme Sat 20-Jun-09 11:32:49

Hi PBM . Could your Dad be putting pressure on your Mum about things maybe he is trying to guilt her into staying away .

From what you have said about him before he sounds very childish and more than likely to throw a tantrum.

Hope you are ok .

poopscoop Sat 20-Jun-09 11:34:05

How ill is your father?

PlumBumMum Sat 20-Jun-09 11:37:41

TBH we are not sue about how ill he is he is having tests done, she has been out with her friends over the past few weeks and had a party in her house yesterday while my father was at work, I mentioned he was sick to point out that I think she thought that I would go over and make friends with him and now she knows this is not going to happen and she now trying to force me to chose!

She told my dh last year when he rang to see if they would come over to sort it out that sometimes she feels like not coming back to our housesad

Cistus Sat 20-Jun-09 11:38:25

don't make her are her daughter ; but he is her partner... its not choosing him over you, its missing one show - (you could always tell your daughter a white lie and say your mum has a cold/flu and thats why she cant come...)

I can feel your hurt with your Dad through your posts, but try and take a step back - you are really not going to feel better if you fall out with your mum too.


poopscoop Sat 20-Jun-09 11:41:30

Your mum is in the middle here, and it is not her fault. Yes, your dad has been stupid, but if she sides with you, she has to live with him and get the fallout there.

I would go with cistus and say a little white lie, either she is not feeling too good or looking after grandad or something.

Disappointing I know, but you really don't want to fall out with your mum over something which is between you and your dad.

Enjoy your show and send some pics to boht your mum and dad to show them what they missed.

smallblessings Sat 20-Jun-09 11:42:30



I totally get why you are hurt, I don't speak to my parents at all. my 'mother' fell out with me, my father kept in touch for a while before siding with her. I was hurt that he put her befgore me and my DC. sad

I am actually much happier without them. Sorry if thats not helpful.

Hope you sort it

TrillianAstra Sat 20-Jun-09 11:42:32

"your daddy" hmm

I think she is being unreasonable just for using that phrase TBH.

If he hasn't acted like a father to you for years then he has no right to special treatment on Fathers day. And the date is on the calendar, so she will have known that it was that day when she agreed to come to the show. So in the short term she is definitely in the wrong.

It sounds as if your mother has a problem, because she probably thinks that you have both behaved unreasonably, him for his behaviour and you for not trying enough (as she sees it) to make it up. And right now she has decided that he needs her more than you do, which is probably true. You have a whole family of your own. He has no-one else. (I am trying to see it from her perspective without spitting 'it's his own fucking fault he has no-one else')

PlumBumMum Sat 20-Jun-09 11:45:32

I think that is the point though I would never make her choose and for the past 2 and a half years i have tried to make things as easy as possible for her,
she has told me she is not allowed to babysit for me,
on another occassion he told her to put the phone down when she was speaking to me and she did!
She told me she couldn't take my dcs out in her car because she would feel too guilty

I have never said that my father cannot come over here, and my dh has invited him twice to try and sort it out but he says he has done nothing wrong

hobbgoblin Sat 20-Jun-09 11:52:43

You are very brave, very strong and very right. You are probably the woman your mother wishes she could be or could have been before all the behaviour dynmaics got set as they have been. So, stick with your plan, be sympathetic to your mother but don't become weak because she doesn't have the same strength of conviction or character. Your daughter will learn a lot from you even if she does have to experience the hurt of her nanny not being at the play. This means waaaay more imo.

Plus, you have the support of your DH which is really very fortunate.

It's pretty obvious that your dad has learned that if he's grumpy and ugly enough he can have his way and this is why your poor mother has been left feelign she has to choose between herself and him. Blame your dad not yourself or your mum.

I think your decision is truly admirable, probably even secretly to your dad.

brazenhussy Sat 20-Jun-09 11:54:01

What smallblessings said.

Their loss will be way bigger than yours

ToughDaddy Sat 20-Jun-09 12:00:25

Don't make her choose. She is suffering most with pressure from both sides and cannot win. You will be sorry, one day, if you put her under this type of pressure. There wil be more dance shows or similar for your dd.

Take it easy and enjoy the occassion.

gardeningmum05 Sat 20-Jun-09 12:00:28

i agree with smallblessings
i cut my mum out of my life 2 years ago, and i am less stressed, happier , and i truely believe my kids are too.
lifes too short to spend it with toxic people in it, spend it with people you actually want to spend it with wink

PlumBumMum Sat 20-Jun-09 12:00:40

She has just rang me again to say if it was any other day she would go, now she has left me feeling so shit because shes crying about how bad she feels and how hard it is for her.

Lizzylou Sat 20-Jun-09 12:03:35

I agree that you just have to suck this up if you still want to see your Mother.
It is an awful situation all round, for you and for her. She must feel wretched about letting you down, and you are obviously upset and angry for yourself and your DD.

ToughDaddy Sat 20-Jun-09 12:07:31

PlumBumMum- do you think that any of your dad's propensity to cause drama has rubbed off on you? I don't wish to be unkind or rude in saying that but I do think that you are contributing to a stress build up here. Please give your mum a hug or tell her that you love her and arrange to meet her another time and get on with enjoying your family.

best wishes

hobbgoblin Sat 20-Jun-09 12:07:36

You know what, your mum can't make you feel bad about her own lot. People too weak to make things better for themselves will often blame and manipulate others to lighten their burden. It's not your fault your dad is a bully toward her. To some extent it's only half his fault. She's the one who allows it so she must deal with the consequences. If she can't she should tell him to naff orf.

She be the one denying herself the pleasure of a relationship with you and your family and nobody else.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. You chose to ignore the bully tactics of your dad so choose too to ignore the manipulative behaviour of your mother.

We are each responsible for ourselves and you really need to remember that or you'll be doing what they do and trying to control others. These are HER tears, this is HER problem and nothing you do will alter that.

TrillianAstra Sat 20-Jun-09 12:08:01

Don't feel bad because she's crying, you're not the one making her cry, her husband is.

The only response I could make to 'if it were any other day' would be to ask her why she hadn't noticed the date before. She would be letting down her granddaughter much less by just saying 'sorry darling I can't come' in the first place, rather than cancelling at the last minute.

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