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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

so confused

11 replies

newmummy27 · 19/06/2009 23:01

I am confused, angry, sad and emotional.
My mum has never been there for me, emotionally, after becoming a mother myself i am finding it hard to accept when i see other mothers walking around with their own and very sad how i dont have that with mine, she has not helped me at all and the day i gave birth, went out with her friends.

my marriage is in trouble now, i am really struggling with my emotions and try to talk to her and she just tells me to go to a solicitors and says she is fed up of me talking about it all the time. i feel so rejected by her, my dad who she is divorced from and my husband. i feel like i am going around in circles.
tears streaming down my face.
please help

OP posts:

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HolyGuacamole · 19/06/2009 23:39

What's happening in your marriage? Is it something you can fix?

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newmummy27 · 19/06/2009 23:48

we are going to relate,it is mainly because he is unresponsive and there is no affection and he is not at all in tune with me, he said to me tonight i wouldnt cope alone, i dont think he realises how strong i am. i feel he does not respect me at all and does not take me seriously. i am depressed and i am not sure if it is clouding my thought, but i dont feel attracted to him now and i am very sad...

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msdevine · 20/06/2009 00:03

i understand the not being attracted to him anymore, thats really difficuly, i mean what can you do?

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Seabright · 20/06/2009 00:05

NM27 try and focus on how strong you are; you aren't getting anything from your mother, so don't go to her at the moment, she'll just drag you down.

Prove to yourself you can do stuff for you & your DC, even if it's something small - "I will take DC for a great walk round the park in the sun shine" or "I will mend XXX at home that DH hasn't fixed".

Ignore those that drag you down and you may find your relationship picks up. And keept going to Relate. Good luck

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msdevine · 20/06/2009 00:05

my mum kind of similar i just had to accept that that is who she is. She is not going to change and then i had to stop feeling angry at her and instead search for a few things that were good about her.

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HolyGuacamole · 20/06/2009 00:11

Sorry you are having a tough time. You sound as if you feel as if you don't have support. Are you seeing your doctor for depression?

Is there someone more responsive that you can talk to, a friend or another relative? I don't have children so I don't know what it is like, but I know it can be very tough, especially if you don't have support around you. Lots of ladies on here will be able to empathise with that, that's for sure!

I'm sorry your mother can't be more of a help, could it be that she doesn't properly understand what you're going through? Or is it more of a historical thing?

Sorry about all the questions.

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newmummy27 · 20/06/2009 00:13

msdevine, i know, what can i do?
seabright, i am doing what you are sying and have done for the last year. i had eased off contact with her the last couple of weeks, saw her today and now in a state...
most upset about relationship with husband tho, how cn i find him attractive when he scowls at me and is so stressed all the time?

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newmummy27 · 20/06/2009 00:16

HG
i definately dont have support and i was seeing docs when ds was first born but not now. i cant bring myself to go and repeat the same things as 2 yrs ago.. i feel ashamed.
she doesnt know what i am goin through, but more to the point she doesnt want to know :-(

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Maninadirndl · 20/06/2009 00:24

SAHd bloke here.

You have to find some kind of inner strength and focus on your baby. They arew the most important right now, nt you nor your future husband.

Good luck.

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HolyGuacamole · 20/06/2009 00:25

Definitely get back to your doctor. There is no shame at all, you have to try and help yourself so that you can be strong for your little one.

This might sound like a really daft thing to say but one good thing is that you can have a different relationship with your child to the one you have with your own parents and that is a really fantastic goal to have. I'm not saying forget your mother, but just accept she won't change (like MsDevine says) and concentrate on getting yourself better.

You should be your number one priority just now and you have to be a bit selfish here. I bet you spend most of your time trying to please everyone....well maybe it is time to start pleasing yourself.

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newmummy27 · 20/06/2009 00:29

sorry if you get confused with my nickname, ds is 19 months now but i havent changed name... so not really a "new " mummy.

HG you are right, i feel v guilty if i dont contact her and am always trying to please, although nothing works it seems