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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

need some advice quick regarding dh lying to his counceller (sp?)

20 replies

96787465 · 18/06/2009 22:32

can only post quickly and will be back soon.

dh is getting anger managment/councelling (i will learn to spell it one day) lots of issues going back years and it has all come to a head and he is getting help.

i met with his councy person for the first time today and it turns out that after a incident a few weeks ago dh lied to him about how he had handled himself.

idiot in a car nearly ran over friends ds and dh went after him (not actually in an aggresive way more to warn him what had happened) i was proud of the fact he managed to keep his cool for once but dh told the counceller that he punched the guy.

there is no truth in this i am 100% sure and dh has an appointment with this person again next week so i know if i dont bring it up he will and dh will find out that i knew what he had said.

do you think i should mention this and ask why he said it or leave it to the expert?

any advice would be appreciated.

i am not worried about dh turning on me i just need to know if telling him will be the right thing and hopefully i can understand why he said it or should i leave it even though he will find out soon that i know.

well done if you have got this far btw.

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Gmac2009 · 18/06/2009 22:37

Can you ask him why he lied and suggest if he really wants the sessions to work he must tell the truth.?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 18/06/2009 22:37

Could you fit in a joint session with the counsellor before his next lone appointment? Or turn that into a joint one, so the issue can be raised with the counsellor there? There's bugger-all point in going for therapy if you're not prepared to be open and truthful.

96787465 · 18/06/2009 22:40

no joint session start after this one.

i dont want him to feel like he is a 10 year old by having both of us sitting there knowing he has lied, he has been doing really well so far and this seems to be the only blip.

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96787465 · 18/06/2009 22:47

anyone?

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 18/06/2009 22:49

Then we're back to what Gmac2009 said - ask him why he lied and point out he must tell the truth.

96787465 · 18/06/2009 23:00

that what i was thinking i should do, but was also hoping that someone with exerience of this could advise me.

i am not sure about how to bring it up and if i should say that i am dissapointed or just say that i know he lied and leave it at that.

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 18/06/2009 23:03

How would he react to a straightforward, "Darling, we need to talk"?

jambutty · 18/06/2009 23:09

It may be what he's saying is what he wanted to do - maybe he feels his issues aren't valid or real, and wants the counsellor to think he has a "real" problem and used that as an example to cover how he's been feeling more than acting....
Did you tell the counsellor it wasn't true? Maybe he just needs to trust this person a bit more before he tells him the truth completely.

96787465 · 19/06/2009 08:40

yes i did say that there was no way it was true.

we did talk about it last night and he says that he never said that so now i dont know what to think.

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/06/2009 13:43

Is he undertaking this counselling because of domestic violence by any chance? If so, he's still abusing you, playing mind games.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 19/06/2009 14:24

Are you sure it isn't true? Could he have told the truth to the counsellor and lied to you?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/06/2009 14:29

From the OP, I'd say that 96787465 witnessed the incident.

96787465 · 19/06/2009 15:35

not dv as such, one incident (only one that has happened to me) triggered everything and thats why he is seeking help (did not hit me but it was still enough to frighten the life out me)

i did not see what happened but two of my friends did and all the stories match, i also seem the person he was supposed to have punched 10 mins later and there was no blood/bruising.

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/06/2009 15:43

So he's lied to the counsellor when he said he hit the guy, then lied to you when he claims not to have told the counsellor anything of the sort?

I'd leave it for now, but note any other inconsistencies and bring them up at your first joint session.

96787465 · 19/06/2009 15:49

thats the thing though oldady, i dont know for sure that he did lie to the counsellor, there is every chance that he did but when i had a phone conversation with the councillor a few weeks ago he had mentioned that dh had told him about this situation and said it was a step forward for him. none of this hitting business was brought up then. it was only yesterday that i was told dh had said he had hitted the guy itykwim.

i asked the councillor why he did not tell me this on the phone and he had to reply.

i am now starting to wonder if he has got mixed up, i know its more likely that dh has lied but its not impossible that he is telling the truth.

dh's version is that he said he felt like hitting the window but never.

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/06/2009 16:08

Is the counsellor confused, then?

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 19/06/2009 16:20

Did he say he hit this bloke so that when there is another incident where he doesn't lash out, he can be seen to have improved?

Or is it possible he lied to you and he did hit this man?

96787465 · 19/06/2009 16:24

"Is the counsellor confused, then?"

not sure but i suppose he could be. what if he cant remember exactly what dh said though and it ends up being a huge problem for me as i wont know the truth?

Did he say he hit this bloke so that when there is another incident where he doesn't lash out, he can be seen to have improved?

Or is it possible he lied to you and he did hit this man?

both possible but i wont know unless he tells me, then again what if he is telling the truth and the problem is that the coiuncillor is getting mixed up?

aarrrgghhhhh

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FabBakerGirlIsBack · 19/06/2009 16:26

counsellors wouldn't say he said he it someone if he didn't and why was he telling you what was discussed at the session anyway?

96787465 · 19/06/2009 16:32

dh had arranged the session between us so we could talk before the joint sessions, he had already given his permission for anything to be discussed.

i am not saying that the councillor made anything up, am just wondering if he has maybe got the wrong end of the stick when talking to dh.

as i said during our phone conversation he had mentioned that dh thought he was making progress and used the car incident as an example, nothing was said then about dh punching the guy.

fast forward two weeks and he now says dh told him he had infact punched him, when would he not have mentioned this before if it was the case.

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