Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Should I report my H?

(62 Posts)
wonderswhy Wed 17-Jun-09 01:18:42

For the past year and a bit my H has continued to see a woman who he knows through job circles. I did see a very flirty email (I'm x chinese star sign, you're xx, we would be perfect together...you have amazing eyes, can we meet for lunch, tea, dinner, to discuss my charity, etc)

She calls him nicknames, signs off with kisses, writes pages full of stuff, invites him to glam events....and knows about me but carries on regardless.

Well, we moved continents (!) twice and had a baby. She is now living in the same country as we do, got here about 2 mths after us, despite it not being the capital and not as good for her alleged fundraising as it's more into tourism.

It's a muslim country in which sharia law applies. I've name changed, I'm embarassed and the expat community here is small.

Today I found out that she took my husband painting and about 3 months ago I found out they went for lunch in London. Both times he kept it from me. Yesterday I found a receipt of the painting with HER name in MY address!!!

I can't sleep, I smashed two pictures in the house, backed the car into a pillar because I was too distraught to drive and had a stinking row with my H.

Well, I did ring HER, introduced myself and said: Stay away from my husband or you'll be fucking sorry. Then I hung up.

She then sent an email to him that I was threatening to kill her. Also send me texts that insinuate that my H wouldn't have the job that he has without her introductions and she's a close friend who is there for him. I then texted her she's a psycho and a liar and to leave us alone.

Background: She's told people she was tortured on a relief mission in Afghanistan and then a bit later that she has cancer, none of which are true.

Please, MN, what should I do? Sue her for slander? Report them to local police for adultery and watch them losing their visas? I'm just so upset. Also, the summer break is coming, I'm leaving town while my H stays behind.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 17-Jun-09 01:51:18

I can see that you're upset, but none of this is evidence that they're having an affair (though it might be in a country that practices Sharia law). She's plainly a nutter but I think getting legal won't really help, especially as Sharia law says "death to adulterers". What's your DH's take on this? Can you leave him? Do you want to?

wonderswhy Wed 17-Jun-09 02:33:04

Thanks for replying OLKN, I know it's a stretch, I don't think he's cheated on me with her but she certainly IS trying and tells him phantasist stuff and makes him compliments. She's a society bitch snob who wants to take him to all these events, fund raisers, gala dinners, etc....for business of course hmm

These are all pretences for metting my H and I feel so helpless.

I've spoken to him and he says he meets her for the connections. I said he's whoring himself out. He insists it's only biz but he's also introduced her to friends and his niece and nephew when they stayed with us twice. She does stuff for a big foundation and gave out tix for a London concert.

I am sick of her trying to wrap my hubs around her fingers.

She used to see a married guy before, who had a baby and the same last name as we have. I feel she's a psycho but she keeps coming back. She does it ever so subtle. But people have commented on how odd she is. She's a trust fund babe and money DOES buy you friends.

I don't want to leave my H, I don't want to lose him but I feel I'm making myself look crazy. It's all slipping away. I'm so upset.

We do have sharia law here but my H will lose his visa if convicted and if not, then I'll probably get myself into trouble with false allegations.

What should I do?

Mumofagun Wed 17-Jun-09 02:33:16

You say he's continued to see a woman for the past year and you've said what has been upsetting you. Firstly I have to be harsh, not that I am unreceiving of a woman's intuition BUT 1) Have you broached this subject with him? What did he say?

2)Have you kept all the texts / e-mails that you have sent / recieved?

3) Does the Sharia Law cover either you or your H, i.e are you Muslims? If not and you are both westerners, are you thinking of the recent case in Egypt? What evidence do you have to report them to the local police for adultery?

4) Honestly, where do you want to go with this? You haven't said that you have talked to him or that you want to keep him really and quite honestly, if he's doing what you THINK he's doing why would you want to stay with him?

5) I think first and foremost you need a frank and honest discussion with him about what you both want from your marriage. Ask him directly about this woman. Why do you have to come home leaving him "to it" in your eyes?

There's obviously so much more to this I can't comment, BUT, do not be a doormat,

wonderswhy Wed 17-Jun-09 02:34:02

My H says he concealed the meetings and lied about contact because he knew I didn't like her and would get upset. angry

wonderswhy Wed 17-Jun-09 02:37:44

I have kept what little info I could get, yes.

Sharia law applies to us, we are residents here though we would not be sentenced to stoning or lashes. Only 'jail' and then deportation.

MOG, I'm flailing, I know that. I'm so angry and so upset. I want to keep him but I want her to back off and stop the flirting.

wonderswhy Wed 17-Jun-09 02:52:33

Oh, I'm leaving because of the heat, my baby is already with my parents in Europe. I can't stay any longer. It was agreed he meets me in London in 2 weeks for a break and then comes to join me end of July.

He said he's no good on his own. Well, what a shite comment. I feel put under pressure to forsake seeing my 8 months old to saty with him because he can't be trusted to be on his own.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 17-Jun-09 03:13:47

Have you told your D?H how you feel? I can actually understand him not telling you about meeting her if there's nothing going on, but the very idea upsets you. I wouldn't do it myself, but can see why he might.

What do you actually want as a result? That she vanishes? Is she actually a useful contact? Would it impact on his business/your welfare (and that of your DCs) if he cut her out of his life?

Sorry to be asking so many questions, I don't want you to feel I'm part of the Inquisition.

wonderswhy Wed 17-Jun-09 04:22:15

Yes, OLKN, I have told him how I felt about her when the emails started to pour forth and I saw what nature they were of. I also complained about all the single ticket invites where he was her 'Plus One'.

She was a useful contact and still is a good source for invites but my H is now introducing people to help her raise money and he knows her network now anyway.

She actually insinuated that we have our 'cushy' life because she intro'd my hubs to his current employer. And that I should be grateful for her help. I'm not, my H was in talks with them anyway and after all he was hired on HIS MERIT. She tried to meet my baby daughter and wanted to come to our house.

I called her single, white, female and I want her to stop trying to poach my H and calling him/meeting him under pretences just to spend time with him, time she's taking away from my DD and me.

If she is to stay in his life, then purely for business and in a completely different tone. However, she doesn't stick to it.

I guess we could cut her out, she doesn't add to our life, but I don't want my H to feel resentful towards ME for not letting him go to all these parties, meet these influental people, etc.

NotQuiteCockney Wed 17-Jun-09 06:56:42

Who cares what she thinks? As long as your H isn't doing anything stupid, and isn't about to do anything stupid, can't you and your DH laugh about what a freaky fool she is and go on with your lives?

Honestly, your husband promised fidelity to you. This woman didn't promise you anything.

HappyWoman Wed 17-Jun-09 07:08:41

the alarm bells ring loud for me when he says he didnt tell you in case you got upset.
So he knows you dont like it and he obviously feels there is something wrong and cant defend himself.
It is a thin line.
I think you need to tell your h not to lie again and tell him how bad it looks.

I know it is sneaky but can anyone keep an eye on him while you are away.

The best way is to have a very strong united front - how about inviting her round and make sure everyone sees how happy you are and then if others see what you think is going on she will look bad.

Good luck though it is a horrible feeling to feel uneasy and not have your h on your side totally.

wonderswhy Wed 17-Jun-09 07:11:38

NQC, I see what you mean but I can't laugh because he's lying about his contact to her and she is deffo out to charm him and pry him away with drinks, dinners, meetings and parties. I just feel she tries to involve herself in our lives.

She even gave a brochure of a tantric sex retreat to him, FFS. I am just mad she won't leave him alone. I don't know how to say it properly, Constant dripping wears away the stone. YKWIM? Small strokes fell big oaks.

It's just the constant assault on him. Every biz thing needs to be turned into: Look at me I'm so great, do I not offer you nice things? That and her cold shoulder towards me are worrying me.

I've consulted a local friend. I can't report him without a hint of evidence. But how do I keep her personal badgering away?

wonderswhy Wed 17-Jun-09 07:13:59

I am also angry that she goes around telling people I threatened to kill her where I said She'll be fucking sorry.

NQC, I guess I should really laugh about it all but I'm just exhausted.

Lulumama Wed 17-Jun-09 07:14:21

you are directing all your anger towards her, rather than your H

he is lying/being secretive, being friends, maybe more with a woman that he knows you don;t like or trust

you need to focus on his role in this

HappyWoman Wed 17-Jun-09 07:20:39

There is also the saying keep your friends close and your enemies even closer.
Invite her around and thank her for her kindness - would your h support you on this? Maybe say 'thanks for that retreat broucher you gave us we are thinking of taking a break ourselves and see if you can get your h to give you a wink - would he flirt outragously with you in front of her and her peers??

The reporting thing is not a good idea unless you want him to lose his job. If you suspect others will too and let someone else do that.

How about appologise to her saying it must be your hormones after the bady. Dont give her (or your h) anything to hold against you.

Lulumama Wed 17-Jun-09 07:21:27

if she is unhinged, and lying about cancer is unhinged, don;t let her over your doorstep IMO

MrsMattie Wed 17-Jun-09 07:27:05

Your husband is the one at fault here. he isn't giving her clear 'Back off, I am married' signals. You need to redirect your anger.

wonderswhy Wed 17-Jun-09 07:38:07

Sorry, just deleted a big chunk of my last post.

Thanks, HW, but I think I tore into her so much, I can't possibly invite her now.

Make no mistake, my H is totally in the dog house, top of my shit list. Yes, Mrs Mattie, he isn't at all and that's why I'm so incensed!

She is a loon, she told everyone she was on a relief mission and the taliban stuck a hot lightbulb in her vag hmm And that the SAS got her out. We have friends in the special forces, no such records exist.

I talked to a local friend and have to bury reporting idea unless I have a slight proof and I'm fairly certain nothing has gone on.

She makes me shudder, she wanted him to introduce her to our baby dd and bought her a gift. She also tried to come and see our house. Anyone got a spatre bunny???

wonderswhy Wed 17-Jun-09 07:39:55

I totally agree Lulu, she wrote another long email to H once (his Mum dies of cancer) and she insists she is a medium for her and his Mum is talking to her from the netherworld and thinks they would make a good couple, that's what she wanted.

spare bunny, sry

wonderswhy Wed 17-Jun-09 07:41:00

his Mum died of cancer (past), sry

My typing is failing. The more I ponder it, the more I wonder how to keep this lunatic away.

wonderswhy Wed 17-Jun-09 07:43:07

Will ponder the hormones idea but I think I can't face apologizing to this psycho. Damn, I'm just digging myself into a hole.

NorthernLurker Wed 17-Jun-09 07:52:42

It is possible formen to have female friends without there being anything ^going on^. The only person who comes across in your posts as being 'nutty' is you.

How on earth do you think making false allegations to the authorities would help your marriage?

Your problem is that you don't trust your husband - not anything this woman has done.

It isn't her fault that you've chosen to bring up your baby in a hot country that you don't feel is suitable at this time of year.

She may have a bit of a drama fantasy thing going on - that doesn't mean your husband is shagging her.

Stop smashing pictures and being jealous and irrartional. Start talking to your husband and if he says you can trust him then do it - or reflect on why you can't.

wonderswhy Wed 17-Jun-09 07:59:38

NL, I didn't chose to bring up my dd here. We have to be here because of my H's job.

A drama fantasy? Are you for real?? Lying about having cancer and saying she was wounded in a relief mission that never happened?

If you read my last posts then you know I won't report my H without proof. Do I not have the right to be angry?

So you'd be dandy if someone did this with your spouse? Yeah, didn't think so.

Next.

wonderswhy Wed 17-Jun-09 08:01:10

I totally agree with you re circle of friends. He has that. But at what point is it okay for her to deliberately write and say these things to him and blatantly avoid the fact that he is married?

nickschick Wed 17-Jun-09 08:04:23

I think in order to get the 'upper hand' you need to withdraw gracefully at this moment.

You need to be pleasant and charming to everyone,you need a good chat with your H and tell him that you are glad you are returning to your dd and are looking forward to being with him -without bunny boiler(altho dont use that term).

Then you need to draw a line underneath it and let it go either she will miss the drama and step it up or she will drive your dh away with demands.

Your dh is a grown man she cant take him away from you - he can choose to go.

IMVHO- your dh and everyone else are 'using' her and what sort of life is that??

She is the loser not you.

Btw im intigued to know how you know for sure she wasnt rescued by the SAS - my own fil was in that attatchment (many years ago ) and 'everything' is top secret.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now