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What do you think of my dh?

(17 Posts)
strawberryplanter Tue 16-Jun-09 23:07:24

Have been married 12 years, was the love of my life. DD came along and dh was freaked out by the mess in the house and withdrew affection from me.

Other dc came along but never any kisses or foreplay. In the end it was me wnking him off by hand, he saying thanks and rolling over. No pleasure for me.

I got sick of that and so there's now no sex between us whatsoever (4 yrs)

He used to be a great networker and be very sociable but he has been depressed for years, highly stressful job and no friends. We went to Relate and bought relationship books but we don't hate each other.

He's a good dad and we do many things as a family and still hold hands.

He works hard but doesn't like being away from dc so never goes to the pub or stay out late.

I have just shared a bottle of wine with my friends' dh as he stayed after picking up his dc from my house after school until my dh got back from work, they chatted a bit then friends' dh left. I had some wicked thoughts about friend's dh (at xmas party he held me close in a dance and it made me flutter as I hadn't been held tenderly like that for years).

I could never have an affair with my friends' dh I like her too much and am far too reserved as is he, but I can't stop having a wicked imagination.

I'd like some objective advice as to what I should do.


mumonthenet Tue 16-Jun-09 23:16:45

Of course you have a little flutter of thoughts about your friend's dh - you are starved of affection.

I don't suppose you know why you haven't had sex with your dh for four years.....sorry, what I mean is - can you talk about this with him?

HolyGuacamole Tue 16-Jun-09 23:20:30


Do nothing. Well, do nothing as far as the OM is concerned, he is your friends husband FGS.

As for your own marriage, sort it out. Be with him and try to find the original happiness that you once had, accept what you have now, or give him up. Don't stay with him accepting second best whilst eyeing up your friends other half. Not on.

Sorry to sound brusque.

strawberryplanter Tue 16-Jun-09 23:27:50

He found it hard to give me an orgasm and I didn't demand it as he would need his sleep and if he tried to it would take too long or not work at all. I'd be anxious all his hard work might not work so didn't want to add to the stress.

It was quite embarrassing really and we're both quite inhibited. He's not had a high sex drive being so stressed but tbh I've not wanted it either. But sometimes I would love to have passion again.

I'm middle aged now but I am sad about the state of our relationship, I haven't let myself go, neither has he.

mrsboogie Tue 16-Jun-09 23:32:06

How about a sex holiday?

do you still love/fancy each other?

It's no wonder you felt a bit of a buzz in proximity to another bloke but for God's sake don't even think of going there. Or anywhere else unless you want your marriage to be over.

strawberryplanter Tue 16-Jun-09 23:34:38

Sorry Holy, I meant that I could never have an affair. In fact I get nervous even looking at friend's dh in the eye let alone hold his gaze.

strawberryplanter Tue 16-Jun-09 23:40:20

Mrs Boogie my dh is the handsomest man in the world (to me) but I sometimes crave passion.

Dh said he didn't want sex again because he didn't want any more dc and doesn't trust contraceptives.

HolyGuacamole Tue 16-Jun-09 23:43:09

No, no. I am sorry. I was overly harsh and rushed in with a snappy reply which was unnecessary blush

Sorry OP.

mumonthenet Tue 16-Jun-09 23:43:10

ok, the other thing you say in your first post - "he's been depressed for years"

What about this....why is he depressed, is he having treatment? If not, perhaps now is the time to get tough (tough love?) and make him get this treated. Maybe then you would have a chance to get back the man you married?

snice Tue 16-Jun-09 23:45:42

If neither of you want more children why doesn't he have the snip?

strawberryplanter Tue 16-Jun-09 23:56:24

He has his own business which has struggled on for years, he has way too much to do and sometimes he cries at how overwhelmed he is.

I have looked into working again but my dc are very young and we do not live close to a town and have no family to help out. Tbh I hate not being able to work but will wait until youngest starts school at least, I'll need to retrain and my confidence is at an all time low.

I went to a job interview recently and started off gabbling that I would not be suitable for this post, needless to say I didn't get it and I would not have been able to do it as no CMs in my area (I found out later).

I would be kinder to him if he was kinder to me, but the lack of affection and coldness and no conversation has taken it's toll.

strawberryplanter Tue 16-Jun-09 23:58:50

He told me in no uncertain terms he would never have the snip as he's freaked out by the idea.

mrsboogie Tue 16-Jun-09 23:58:59

yes the depression would have a very adverse affect on his sex drive. Your problems don't sound insurmountable but you are both going to have to confront it and be willing to change things.

If he had the snip and got treatment for his depression you set about addressing the sex issues...

strawberryplanter Wed 17-Jun-09 00:15:07

I wish I didn't have such a strong conscience. What would you do?
Dh has put so much effort into his business but it barely covers the bills.
His depression stems directly from his failing business but in this day and age he's lucky to be in business.

Anyway, I was pleased another man would want to spend some time with me. I really like male company and before I was married I had more male friends than female friends.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 17-Jun-09 00:19:09

I think you need to give your DH a good kick in the cock, to be honest. He;s done a thorough number on you. You have had years of surpressing your own needs and putting up with his whiny self-obsessed crap and he;s somehow convinced you that this is no more than you deserve, that he is the only person whose feelings matter in the household (he blames you for not doing enough housework, expects you to meet all his sexual needs but won't make any effort at all to meet yours, and every time you make the tiniest suggestion that you might want something from him, starts boohooing about how hard his life is.)
Tell him that it's time he got some help for his depression and some counselling for both of you, and if he doesn;t start making some effort to recognise that you are a human being whose feelings matter just as much as his do, then he can fuck off.

strawberryplanter Wed 17-Jun-09 00:46:35

Before we married I found some male porn mags in his bag, I confronted him about it and he said he thought he was bisexual. We split up and when we got back together 5 years later, he told me he'd once acted out on his gay urge but it left him cold and was not what he thought it was going to be.

In arguments he said I emasculated him with my strong opinions and lack of house pride.

He still criticises me if the house is untidy even though I try to keep it clean (not easy with dc) and thinks I'm lazy.

Thanks SGB I am tired of none of my needs being met tbh. It's good to get an objective opinion on all this.

I was thinking I'd love to be touched again with my friend's dh! (I wouldn't in rl of course.)

SolidGoldBrass Wed 17-Jun-09 01:10:35

Oh hell, poor you. He sounds like one of these wretched men who won't admit he's gay because he's totally convinced that Poofs are Bad, and so he finds a woman, marries her and makes her life a misery in order to keep up appearances.

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