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DH has just said he thinks I need anger management help - any suggestions?

(19 Posts)
DitaVonCheese Tue 16-Jun-09 22:18:42

Not sure that this is quite the right place for this, sorry, but not sure where else to put it.

I tend to get very frustrated very fast with stupid little things (eg today trying to find a small roll of sellotape that kept evading me in the bottom of a large bag full of other things) and then I get sweary. It only ever lasts a minute or two but I know that DH finds it a bit scary plus I need to get on top of it and stop swearing before DD can understand

I am gutted that he has felt the need to say this

Anyway, you ladies are very wise ... Does anyone have any suggestions eg something I can read? Any other pottymouth mums out there?

controlfreakythecontrolfreak Tue 16-Jun-09 22:23:15

.... kick him.

(... or have a search on amazon for a book to read to make you think about it and make some changes)

DitaVonCheese Tue 16-Jun-09 22:29:42

Yeah, I've just been having a look on Amazon but there are so many out there so wondering if anyone has any recommendations.

mumblechum Tue 16-Jun-09 22:42:08

You sound perfectly normal to me.

I get homicidal if I get stuck behind a slow driver on a country lane.

Does your dh seriously get scared?

junglist1 Tue 16-Jun-09 22:51:49

I'm off my head. There was a change of drivers today that took too long and I shouted out that they could take their time because none of us needed to be anywhere. The driver told me not to get my knickers in a twist. I glared and everyone stared at me. And don't get me started on people who leave their trollies RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE F ING AISLE!!!!!!!!!

DitaVonCheese Tue 16-Jun-09 23:14:05

Lol - glad I'm not alone!

I think it is scary for him to have someone that livid right next to him, even though it isn't directed at him (it's always things I get angry with, not people - or not out loud anyway, I am utterly crap at confrontation/conflict). Tbh it scares me a bit too because I'm so utterly out of control, even if it's only for a couple of minutes. I've been known to throw or punch things (not people) so I can see why it's frightening. I really really don't want to be doing this around DD

It makes me hate myself.

TotalChaos Tue 16-Jun-09 23:15:55

i dunno if it's anger management that's the problem but more that you need to get your general stress levels down so you don't get so wound up about the stupid little things......

SolidGoldBrass Tue 16-Jun-09 23:19:59

Hmm. If you scream and shout and throw things, or break things, then your aggression levels are a bit high. Because not everyone does this, people who don't do it find it genuinely frightening (partly because quite a lot of people who do throw and smash and bang things do escalate to smashing and banging other people - not saying that you would, but aggressive behaviour is alarming to less demonstrative people).
Are there stressful things happening in your life at the moment? Can you work on them? Could you maybe take up a hobby like kickboxing or a martial art which both relieves tension and teaches you some good mind/self control stuff?

Tortington Tue 16-Jun-09 23:35:12

DH looked online for local anger management people. he paid to go to some sessions and they talked stuff through and he was taught some techniques.

maybe worth investigation?

controlfreakythecontrolfreak Tue 16-Jun-09 23:36:22

did it make a difference custardo?

DitaVonCheese Tue 16-Jun-09 23:46:52

TotalChaos the odd thing is that generally I'm very laid back and relaxed (I think - MWs etc have commented on it anyway!). I think the problem is that when something/someone does upset me then I usually bottle it up and then eventually it comes out in these short furious outbursts. I guess it's less frightening to get angry with an inanimate object than a person who can fight back. I went through a period of self-harming while at and just after university and I think it was a similar pattern of tension/release.

SGB you are right, it is aggressive - I suppose I meant not violent towards other people. I can see why it is frightening. I've considered boxing in the past but atm it would probably have to be something that I could take DD to.

Thinking about the above I wonder if I need to work on being more assertive/expressing myself and see if that will help cut down my rages.

I have not drunk nearly enough wine to be this self-indulgent/introspective blush

DitaVonCheese Tue 16-Jun-09 23:50:40

Thanks custardo - also interested to hear whether it helped. Forgot to mention that we are seriously broke (my mat leave has just ended at the same time as DH's temp work). I'm wondering whether my local Surestart centres do anything helpful. Wonder how I find out.

thumbwitch Tue 16-Jun-09 23:52:28

DVC - what else do you do to release stress in your life? Is your life particularly stressful at the mo? and are you getting enough sleep?

If you have the opportunity, you could keep a journal. In the past I have found this a great release for pent-up feelings and tensions, when I haven't been able to express myself at the person or people causing the problems. Somehow, writing them down helps to release them from the pressure-unit that is my brain.
Alternatively, get yourself a nice big fat pillow and beat seven bells out of it on a regular basis, pretending it is who/what has annoyed you recently. Both are quite effective!

oh and get more sleep if you can.

DitaVonCheese Wed 17-Jun-09 00:00:41

Nothing really to release stress. Laugh a lot

I don't feel as though my life is particularly stressful. We have recently moved out of London, which felt like a cloud over my head for a decade, to be closer to my family, which I love. I no longer have to go to a crappy job every day We are broke but debt free. Otoh, I do feel as though much of my life has been a crushing disappointment (particularly to my parents - though they seem to have forgiven me since I gave them a grandchild) and occasionally wonder if I'm depressed again.

Sleep ... DD is just under 9 months, co-sleeping and still bfing a couple of times a night. It could be better but could also be a lot worse

thumbwitch Wed 17-Jun-09 00:16:26


cod psychology hat on here then - sounds like you might just have stuff lurking under the surface that is fighting to be acknowledged, and that's why you are having sudden short sharp outbursts. You say you are normally quite laidback - is that something you work to achieve or is it natural to you? I mean, do you have to think to yourself - "Let it go, it's ok, it doesn't matter" or does it really just wash over you? This matters - because I have met a lot of people who think they are pretty unstressed and laid back because (and this is the important bit) they won't let themselves get stressed. So any stress they feel, they are subjugating rather than addressing. This doesn't allow the stress any release - so it goes elsewhere in the body and expresses itself in different ways, e.g. muscular pains, bowel problems, mood swings - all sorts of things.

So - if you feel like it - you could have a really good look inside and see if you have any lurking residual stress/ resentments that are looking for release - then bring them to the surface, have a good look at them, do what needs to be done and start again.

Of course - you might just have a short fuse. But usually there's an underlying reason why.

Shitemum Wed 17-Jun-09 00:19:01

Dita - are you me?

{glances at child's chair that still hasn't been repaired after last tantrum...}

DitaVonCheese Wed 17-Jun-09 00:25:32

thumbwitch I love cod psychology (really!) grin I think I am genuinely laidback but I will keep an eye on myself and see what comes out. ... I guess there are things in my life that I am very unhappy about but generally ignore and don't really think about day to day - perhaps they do need examining. How terrifying.

Shitemum grin I have actually posted about this before, in a previous incarnation, on a tangent to a different issue, and there did seem to be a few of us in the same (slightly tatty, knocked about blush) boat.

Thank you for listening and replying. I heart MN

thumbwitch Wed 17-Jun-09 00:35:33

DVC - ignoring stuff = generally bad - it will come back and bite you somehow!

You could take stuff out very carefully and look at it sideways first, just a corner at a time - remember you are in control of it and can put it away again if you REALLY need to; but it's a bit like ripping plasters off wounds - sometimes it's better to just go RRRIIIIIIIPP! in one go, even if it hurts lots for a short while, it gets better quicker.

Good luck!

DitaVonCheese Wed 17-Jun-09 00:41:28

Thank you - much appreciated

And on the theme of getting more sleep - it is definitely past bed time!

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