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If you are a very trusting person, in a long-term stable relationship and you have no evidence

(35 Posts)
OrmIrian Tue 16-Jun-09 13:16:44

that your DP is having an affair, is it significant if all of a suddenly, out of the blue, your Infidelity-meter gives a beep?

He has never been unfaithful, I have never been jealous, he still finds me attractive and tells me so all the time. But he has started a new job with mostly female colleagues. He keeps popping out for a quick drink, or to buy lottery tickets, or to watch the end of the cricket/football - all of which he has done before and it's never bothered me. But I keep getting odd little shivers of alarm about it all. Why would that happen?

Is paranoia a symptom of the peri-menopause hmm Or am I picking up on signals from him?

Shall I just get a grip?

WolframAlpha Tue 16-Jun-09 13:20:00

Are you feeling more insecure atm?

If the behaviour had changed (the popping out etc) I would worry, if usual, maybe I would think about myself first, before looking to him... just maybe, though!

OrmIrian Tue 16-Jun-09 13:20:46

On the contrary wolphram - I am more secure and self-confident than I've ever been.

CringingParanoia Tue 16-Jun-09 13:22:13

Message withdrawn

CringingParanoia Tue 16-Jun-09 13:22:53

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Fennel Tue 16-Jun-09 13:23:30

I would think your hunch might be correct - if it were me, I'm also in a good long term relationship but I think many/most people are capable of the odd flirtation or more. Have you asked him outright?

OrmIrian Tue 16-Jun-09 13:23:55

Love the name grin

No I am sure you are right. Funnily enough I dreamt he was being unfaithful too recently. Maybe it's coming from me.

OrmIrian Tue 16-Jun-09 13:25:46

No fennel. I guess that's the sensible thing to do. But it just feels so daft. Inbetween bathing DC, helping with hw, taking bins out. "Has DS#2 finished that reading book yet? Oh and btw are you shagging around...."

LadyGlencoraPalliser Tue 16-Jun-09 13:26:33

Is there a pattern to the poppings out? Has he started getting funny about his mobile or email?
I would say that if the popping out has changed in nature or frequency it would give rise to alarm. But then, I know someone who thought the same thing when her DH started doing this. It was completely obvious to everyone else in his immediate circle that he was actually sneaking off to have cigarettes (he was supposed to have given up smoking for health reasons. So he may be up to something but not necessarily infidelity - gambling, drinking and smoking all spring to mind.
I mean this post to be helpful but it will probably only give you new things to worry about.

WolframAlpha Tue 16-Jun-09 13:27:23

So, you feel fab, and he is doing the same things he has always done, but you have a weird vibe that he might be being unfaithful to you?

I would maybe just tell him about your dream? Quite a nice gentle way to bring your feelings up.

CringingParanoia Tue 16-Jun-09 13:28:22

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OrmIrian Tue 16-Jun-09 13:30:39

Yeah cheers ladyg grin I think he is popping out more - but he is also working shorter hours and doing more childcare so he may be going stir crazy!

wolfram - the dream might be a good start.

I really think it's just me being daft. DH always says I'm not happy unless I have a worry. I hope so anyway.

Fennel Tue 16-Jun-09 13:30:59

If you can't ask him then maybe just keep observing, but don't assume your hunch is paranoia, I tend to think there's usually something behind these hunches, especially if you're not normally paranoid or insecure.

though it might be something totally innnocent.

Lizzylou Tue 16-Jun-09 13:31:26

D' you often get funny after dreams though?
Because I do.
I wasn't able to look my neighbour in the eye for months after a saucy dream about him.
Perhaps the dream has just shaken you up if it was very vivid?

OrmIrian Tue 16-Jun-09 13:32:42

cp - I can't think of anything different. It's just this niggle I have.

I think I must ignore the niggle until I have spoken to him.

CringingParanoia Tue 16-Jun-09 13:32:48

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OrmIrian Tue 16-Jun-09 13:33:37

Good point lizzy.

TripleTroubleMuffin Tue 16-Jun-09 13:33:40

I have to say that people are allowed to change and so things differently. It doesn't mean they are having an affair.

I am jealous but my DH has never given me reason to be. I just worry other women will see in him what I do and try and grab him.

TripleTroubleMuffin Tue 16-Jun-09 13:35:03

do things..

Rhubarb Tue 16-Jun-09 13:35:13

I wouldn't worry at all if his behaviour hasn't changed. If he's still doing all the normal things that he does, then there's no cause for alarm. And if you call him up once or twice and he is in the place he's supposed to be in, that might put your mind at rest even further.

I think that because he's working with a lot more women, you are naturally feeling a bit anxious about it. Heck, I would! Why not visit him one lunchtime as a surprise? Meet these colleagues? You might find that they're all much older and married.

OrmIrian Tue 16-Jun-09 13:44:42

He's working in a special school rhubarb so turning up for lunch is difficult. I do know some of the women and they are all pleasant - not exactly man-eaters grin

I am beginning to wish I hadn't posted this as it looks so stupid written down.

themoon Tue 16-Jun-09 13:45:33

Can you just follow him when he next pops out?

CringingParanoia Tue 16-Jun-09 13:47:18

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TripleTroubleMuffin Tue 16-Jun-09 17:09:49

I agree with CP.

It is good to off load and if you feel happier now then it certainly wasn't stupid.

I would still tell your DH about the dream though, iirc he was off being sexy? You don't have to tell him the affair bit if you don't want.

commeuneimage Wed 17-Jun-09 01:12:00

You may be worrying unnecessarily, but don't discount your intuition. Apparently 85% of women who think it's possible their partner may be having an affair are right. Have a look at www.cheatingspousepi.com which gives a useful list of signs which can indicate that he could be cheating. And if you think any of them apply don't challenge him - just keep an eye out until you're sure. Good luck.

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