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am i being unreasonable, to feel hurt by this?

(9 Posts)
carryingonbuthurtinginside Tue 16-Jun-09 09:11:34

i have changed my name for this as dp also uses this site.
I have never said anything bad about him on here before, but i just feel on this issue i need a rounded opinion on what i should do about this.
There are 3 underlying issues i have involving money, his drinking and sex (lack of it). Its the last issue i feel so hurt about.
The weekend befor last dp had a very late night, as is quite usual, when i got up he had 3 unread texts on his phone. I joked that it was his other girlfriend. He wouldn't let me look at them, which in itself was sus.
Anyway this weekend dp had another late night. In the morning i suspected he'd been hiding something from me as when i went into the history on the laptop it had all been deleted...

carryingonbuthurtinginside Tue 16-Jun-09 09:16:25

sorry ranout of room...
So i had a look in his email, i know i shouldn't have, but found he had registered with an internet dating site. He had lots of emails from the site and had been contacted by at least one girl.
I feel totally gutted that if would in this far. I mean porn is one thing, but a dating site. Am so sad. But trying to carry on for the sake of ds.
I don't know what to do now.

carryingonbuthurtinginside Tue 16-Jun-09 09:20:12

sorry. Should read ... That he would go this far.
Damn predictive text.

FairyLightsForever Tue 16-Jun-09 09:42:40

No, you are really Not unreasonable for being upset, I'm afraid I don't have any advice, except that I would say that he needs to know that this is unacceptable.
Sorry that he's such a twit.

carryingonbuthurtinginside Tue 16-Jun-09 10:20:19

thank you fairylightsforever. I wondered if i said anything whether i am going to made out to be the bad guy here for prying.
Maybe i'll get the chance later to get it all down on paper. I think my only route to avoiding a full scale row over this is to let him read about how i'm feeling, so he can't bombard me with excuses, or make of feel like its my fault.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 16-Jun-09 10:31:51

No, you are not unreasonable to think this needs addressing. When you say that the problem is a lack of sex, do you mean that he is refusing sex with you (but looking elsewhere)?

carryingonbuthurtinginside Tue 16-Jun-09 10:43:43

hi solidgoldbrass, no its me, i just don't feel like it most of the time, i seem to be constantly tired at the moment, and my drive has all but disappeared. I've put on some weight since having ds too. Part of the problem for me is that we don't have any time together on our own, once ds is in bed, i'm just done in for the day.

ChgdnoM Tue 16-Jun-09 11:05:59

Ah yes, I remember feeling just like that after having a baby, but that's no excuse for him to go onto an internet dating site angry. I would say you should definately confront otherwise it will eat away at you, but don't have to be confrontational, that way he is less likely to react angrily - is he the sort to react? Also shouldn't feel bad for "prying", because he has obviously been hiding stuff and making you suspicious, and I think you shouldn't have anything hidden in a relationship. Use whatever method you can use to accurately communicate your feelings, and findings in a way that does not attack him and so make him angry or come up with loads of excuses. I would just say the sooner you do it the better.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 16-Jun-09 12:59:52

OK, so you have to talk about the lack of sex, and what can be done about it. Because, while it's not fair for him simply to expect sex from you, neither is it really fair for you to simply refuse or avoid sex without discussing it.
Sex is important, very important to some people (this is not purely a gender issue, there have been load of threads from women whose partners are avoiding sex).
It is of course true that men who pull their weight round the house and with the childcare are more likely to have happy sex lives - is he doing his share? Because if he isn't, then it's understandable that you don't feel very sexy: sex becomes one more service you are supposed to provide.
It is possible that he is using these sites as a fantasy thing, of course, basically a way of getting his sexual needs met without 'bothering' you: if you do not, right now, want to have sex then you can talk to him about what he might do that you are happy with (ie porn?).
IF he;s a good bloke in all other respects, you should be able to sort this out, as long as both of you can accept that both of you matter and both your wishes and feelings need to be met in some way.

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