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I wished there was some way I could forgive him

(17 Posts)
emmawil37 Tue 16-Jun-09 07:30:36

Hi,

I've posted lots about this on other threads, I'm sorry!

But my dh left just over two weeks ago now I found out he was advertising for nsa daytime sex on the internet, which is not the 1st time he cheated. I know there is no way I should ever have him back, he's a seral cheat and thats just the way it is, but God I miss him so much, the problem is I like him, he was my best friend, I thought he was soul mate. When we got together neraly 6 years now we've had so much hardship, its been very hard, but we have got two wonderful children.

I never enjoyed sex with him so I was quite happy to never have it really, but the thought of him with other women, I can't handle either. I'm also battling with the fact there is so many men that cheat, I don't want to go through this again, is it better the devil you know?

I just wished there was so way that I could forgive and we could get over this, but I know I can't at the moment, there would always be the questions, like how many? When did you get the time? How long has this gone on for? Why? And those questions are not heathly. I just miss him so much, and I finding so grumpy with the children, can't eat, can't sleep. I'm desperate to find it in me to forgive, but I can't at the moment.

wolfnipplechips Tue 16-Jun-09 08:03:39

Emma, no its not better the devil you know, not all men cheat.

This could be the best thing that ever happened to you. You might not see it like that now but someday you will.

He was not your soul mate, your soul mate wouldn't direspect you in the way your dh has.

TripleTroubleMuffin Tue 16-Jun-09 08:06:03

Don't even bother trying to forgive him atm. Your focus needs to be on getting through the day and looking after your children well.

Not all men cheat, and those that do, are a waste of energy.

emmawil37 Tue 16-Jun-09 08:17:16

I just don't want to go through it all again, I'm to old for this crap, my 1st dh cheated with my best friend, who was a bloke, and then deceieded he was gay, that blow my mind and I didn't have any relationships for years, then I meet a guy 10 years younger who worked for me, and that was an horrific relationship, I eneded up with depression and bulumia, then I met this one who I thought was so much better than them, I like the guy he's just so highly sexed its unreal and since having the kids I put tons of weight and I just don't feel good about me at all, I won't go bulumic again, I have the kids now and I know I have to stay healthy. I'm nearly 38 now I just want to be settled and I don't want to meet another guy fall in love and find out their a git to.

Sorry do I sound really stuipd? In my logical head I ever think how would I feel if someone did that to my dd. But, its just I know so many very happy couples, and I know that the guy is cheating behind their backs but the women are strong women and the guys would never leave them, they just need more sex!!!! I just don't think I could live like that, but I don't think I could ever trust anybody ever again.

TripleTroubleMuffin Tue 16-Jun-09 08:21:31

TBH you would be stupid if you took him back without a lot of counselling.

Lots of people go out with loads of frogs before they get their Prince. What makes you stupid is staying with a cheater when he won't change and when it isn't working out.

emmawil37 Tue 16-Jun-09 08:29:24

Yeah your right, I just feel so sad he has done what he did, we had problems but so does everyone, he had a family who loved him very much. Why do people have to hurt each other? Gosh, say these things are sent to try us!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sad

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 16-Jun-09 09:09:22

"But, its just I know so many very happy couples, and I know that the guy is cheating behind their backs but the women are strong women and the guys would never leave them, they just need more sex!!!!"

These couples don't sound very happy at all if all this is going on. Some women turn a blind eye to their H's cheating but I don't think you personally can or should. Cheating is symptomatic of problems within the relationship, even if these men were having more sex from their wives these men would still be unhappy. Their unhappiness is their own. Some men want their cake and eat it too.

The concept of "Soulmates" as well is treading on dodgy ground. It may be beneficial for you to have counselling on your own and that may help you find a way forward. You also need to break the destructive relationship patterns that's ended up with you being in love with losers. The situation you're in now is untenable and is a poor relationship model for any children you have.

HolyGuacamole Tue 16-Jun-09 10:09:36

Agree with everything that has been said. The soulmate thing is IMO a myth. Anyone could be capable of cheating, there are no guarantees with anyone and none of us know what is around the corner and people make mistakes too. You just have to have trust that a partner will respect you enough to be faithful and vice versa. Also, cheating does not turn a good person into an inherently bad person automatically, otherwise it'd be easy to just switch your feelings off.

I don't think you need to put yourself thru forgiving this man. Sort yourself out before you do anything. If you feel low about yourself, you are more likely to think that you deserve someone who doesn't fulfill their part of the relationship and who lets you down.

It is not better the devil you know. The devil you know can ruin your self esteem and confidence. There are lots of fab and lovely men out there, you have to think of yourself as good enough to attract them though. TBH, if i were you, I'd forget meeting a man and work on yourself. When you have good self esteem and confidence, the eejits are more likely to get a vibe from you that lets them know they don't stand a chance.

I would absolutely not forgive my DH if he did what your DH has done. No way jose - and he knows it.

tammybear Tue 16-Jun-09 10:25:57

I'm sorry Emma that you're going through this, but it's not your fault. Not all men are cheaters, though there was a time I thought this. You've had really horrible relationships in the past, your concept of men isn't great. It sounds like you will have trust issues in the future, so I think you should have counselling. I've been doing counselling for 2 years now, and I am so impressed with the changes I have made as it was something I knew I had to do for myself, to make me stronger and so I could be better for my DD.

I've had previous relationships where my ex abused me, cheated on me, lied to me, and all the while I kept thinking it must be me, I must be this terrible person for my DP at the time to do these things to me. But it's not, it's their fault. But now I'm with my DP who is like no guy I've met previously, I still haven't got to grips that he actually loves me and treats me well after all the crap I've been through before, so there is always hope.

Forgiveness is something you should think about now. You need to focus on yourself. I know you must be hurting severly, but the pain will eventually pass. Focus on your children and yourself.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 16-Jun-09 10:30:20

I don't see how you can describe him as your 'soulmate' when you don;t want to have sex with him and he is having sex with other people. This sounds like a relationship that simply doesn't work for the people involved.

I understand that you are feeling bad at the moment, but you should really consider why, if you don't like sex, it's such a problem for your partner to get it elsewhere. And how to discuss this sort of sexual difficulty with a partner rather than just expecting them to put up with it.

wolfnipplechips Tue 16-Jun-09 10:45:34

Emma i would agree with tammy, it sounds to me as if you could do with getting yourself sorted rather than waste energy on your dh.

If your in the right frame of mind you won't attract these types, they all sound like users.

I do agree some what with sgb, i'm not saying what your dh did was acceptable because it wasn't but really you need to be able to sort out your sexual incompatibility and agree on a solution that suits you both or move on. Sounds to me in your case moving on would be the best thing, if him sleeping with other people makes you jealous and insecure and affects your mental health to the point that you end up with an eating disorder then its just not worth it.

Like SGB said, if you don't like having sex with him and he's off cheating i doubt very much he is your soulmate. You need to focus on making your life better and feeling good about your body, then you won't care whether the right man comes along or not(which IME0 is usually when they do).

ginnny Tue 16-Jun-09 10:53:52

Don't be too hard on yourself. 2 weeks isn't long at all and you are bound to be struggling with it all. It will take time to get over.
I think you need to work on your self esteem, find out why you keep ending up with these horrible men. Forget about forgiving dh for the time being and concentrate on yourself.
Why didn't you enjoy sex with him? Was it just him or have you felt like that with other partners?
Go to your GP and ask to be referred for counselling. I'm sure it would help you.

emmawil37 Tue 16-Jun-09 15:07:55

Thank you for all your comments, I have listen and thought about them all, I use to like sex with other partners but I don't enjoy having sex with exdh because he is really really well endowed and I hate it when he comes at with this hugh thing I feel like hanging a towel on it!!! there's cetainly no quickies with him and I then worry the kids might come in, etc, also he is a really sobby kisser and I hate that!

Yes I do have a lot of self essteem issues and that stems back to being an overweight kid at school. I have tried counselling before but I wasn't ready one time, then when I tried recenty the counsellor at the doctors said that she could only offer me 8 sessions and she thought with my problems I need a lot more than that, so I had a mental health nurse come round once a month and that was that, apparently the waiting list for psychologists in East Kent is near on 2 years, so not much good to me.

he probably was unhappy, I know he didn't have many friends since moving to be with me, hated his job, we have hugh debts and he has communication issues, he can not talk about things, I've tried but it never works.

My doctor has offered me anti-depressants or sleeping pills, none of which I feel I am that low to need. I'm not going to go running back to him yet, I think I do need time, but I'm struggling, my heart and my head feel in consit battle. sad

tammybear Tue 16-Jun-09 16:13:14

Hugs.

I think an idea may be to put yourself on the waiting list. You never know, you may not have to wait that long. I was told something similar, and was seen after 5 or so months of waiting, so you just never know.

Have you thought about perhaps going to Relate on your own? They are a relationship counselling service, but can see people individually. There is no cost as such, but they do ask for a contribution. It might help bring up any ideas or thoughts regarding men and your exs, just an idea I thought of.

Do you have family and friends nearby for support? How are you feeling at the moment?

emmawil37 Tue 16-Jun-09 19:40:33

Hi Tammy,

I called relate there said it was £40 for the 1st appointment, then there was a minium charge of £20, unfortunaley money is really hard for me at the moment. I also bankrupt last September, as I had a business 7 years ago which went down the panny, over 100 grand of delts, tried to pay for 7 years but my creditors just wanted more and more money so was focsed into bankrupty, which isn't that bank as after a years gone the only delts I will have are my student loans, so new start there.

I think I will have to find some help somewhere though soon.

tammybear Tue 16-Jun-09 20:41:28

shock I did not know that. Sorry! It use to be like that though. Would you be able to do the 8 sessions through your GP until something came up? I'm sorry, I can't think of anything else at the moment. Hopefully someone else can.

emmawil37 Tue 16-Jun-09 20:59:12

No my counsellor won't take me on, apparently I'm to screwed but no other help avaianlle a crazy situation. I have highs and lows though and they are very extreme, at the moment I'm very positive and feeling fine, but my finding out what my dh did tipped me on a real low. Its like with the dc I love them, they are my world, but they have never slept well and are up and down all evening and alnight and I could cope when I was with h but since he has left, I have been that close to losing it with them, I won't I will walk away, but I sometimes just need time to myself.

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