Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can't be the only one who does this surely?

(16 Posts)
MerlinsBeard Mon 15-Jun-09 21:27:31

The lying there and letting him get on with it thing?

Sex is just not important to me, i don't want it (for more reasons than just not feeling like it) nor do i particularly like it blush. DH however, has quite a high sex drive and is such a sex pest sometimes that it is often easier, and makes for a quieter life just to let him get on with it.

TrinityRhino Mon 15-Jun-09 21:28:41

I used to
Its because you're not well
please take care

MagNacarta Mon 15-Jun-09 21:32:16

Honestly no, I haven't. DH would hate the idea of me doing this and so if I'm not in the mood and he is I tell him.

If you aren't too well, you won't be in the mood.

MerlinsBeard Mon 15-Jun-09 21:38:28

Hmm, well DH gets into a right strop and starts behaving like a child. It ends up him being really awful to the DCs and it's not really fair on them. Much easier on all of us for me to pretend for 10 mins lol.

twoclimbingboys Mon 15-Jun-09 22:11:45

lol?

mumofmonsters - poor you. horrible to the dc's??? emotional blackmail for sex? my dh can be a sex pest but accepts no and doesn't sulk or get horrible with anyone.

Take care

screamingabdab Mon 15-Jun-09 22:30:39

No, this is not right. I have had periods of not being that interested, but have never done it when I didn't want to. I just couldn't.

ABetaDad Mon 15-Jun-09 22:49:29

MumOfMonsters - this is an awful situation for you and DH.

The question is do you want to (or can you) do anything to improve your libido so you can enjoy sex again?

I notice TrinityRhino comment "because you're not well" and apologise I do not know what illness you have.

You have a right not to have sex and just enduring it is not a long term solution and not fair on DH either. You have a low libdo and he as a normal libido. You do not want sex and he does. Neither of you is wrong. You are clearly unhappy and judging from his anger so is DH.

If in the end you do not want (or cannot) begin to enjoy sex again and DH is unwilling to agree to a celibate relationship then you will have to allow him to express his sex drive elsewhere. You cannot force him to be trapped in a sexless monogomous marriage if he does not want that. You have a right to not have sex and he has a right to express his normal sex drive.

Agreeing to sex when you do not want it is too awful to contemplate and to be honest I could never enjoy sex with DW if she did not enjoy it.

You must be brutally frank with yourself and DH and deal with the issue or it will make you and DH forever unhappy.

GypsyMoth Mon 15-Jun-09 22:53:52

I like the use of the word 'normal' there, betadad. Good post.

MerlinsBeard Tue 16-Jun-09 20:05:22

oh dear - i thought this was a common thing?blush

(ever wish you had posted with a different name?!)

You are right that he has a right to express his sex drive elsewhere, i guess that is why i just go along with it tbh - so that he WON'T !! For all i moan about him, i do love him and he loves me-we have only been married 6 months!

Fwiw, the times i just "lie there" he doesn't know i don't want it.It's not as if he is ignoring me saying no- alarm bells would be ringing if that was the case and i would be out like a shot!!

I have anorexia and depression - DH knows about the depression and is beginning to notice my weightloss so will have to fully admit that my "ana" is back.

Part of me not wanting sex is my body issues, i don't like being naked, i don't like other ppl seeing my body and i don't like other people touching my bare skin.

TripleTroubleMuffin Tue 16-Jun-09 20:09:42

sad

It sounds to me a bit like a vicious circle. While he isn't being supportive outside the bedroom, you are not interested in being close with him in the bedroom.

You have to talk to your husband.

Odd times when you are not in the mood is one thing, but not every time.

Please talk to him.

ABetaDad Wed 17-Jun-09 21:56:26

MumOfMonsters - this is a truely awful situation. As TripleTrouble says you MUST talk to DH because you are very ill.

Are you saying your DH has no idea about how you feel about sex or your illness? Only 6 months into marriage it is quite normal for DH to want sex - but not like this.

My DW was extremely ill for a year but I knew that and would never have dreamed of asking for sex. Surely your DH will feel the same?

I do not want to say more as I do know enough about depression and anorexia.

ABetaDad Wed 17-Jun-09 23:24:50

Sorry. Correcting typo.

I do not want to say more as I do not know enough about depression and anorexia.

Nahui Thu 18-Jun-09 01:57:02

Message withdrawn

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 18-Jun-09 08:43:58

I think a better solution than letting him have sex elsewhere would be dealing with the issues you have. You don't have 'no libido', your libido has gone into hiding because of your self image, depression and anorexia. If you can, you need to address this with your DH which means - explaining why you don't want sex now in a way he's understand, making a commitment to improving this situation with his help, and a commitment from him to be patient and not either hassle you for sex, or take it out on the children or you. IMO that's the only way to tackle this situation that won't damage your relationship which both continuing as you are, and withdrawing sex permanently, will do.

To answer your Q - I have done it occasionally and it's fine, but something would be very wrong if I did it all the time, and I only to it because I genuinely want to.

AccioPinotGrigio Thu 18-Jun-09 12:58:28

I have done the lie back and let him get on with it thing. My libido vanished for a long time and I would do it to avoid an argument.

Please talk to your dh about your anorexia and get the support you need for that. I also know very little about the condition and am reticent to give any uninformed opinions and advice.

What I do know though is that libido's can return and it is possible to want and enjoy sex again even after years of truly believing that you could live without it forever.

MerlinsBeard Thu 18-Jun-09 17:25:38

Thank you for all the advice on here. (didn't want ppl to go unacknowledged) lots to think about. And thank you for not being horrid to me!)

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now