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Am I being a bitch top set this up?

(12 Posts)
Eve4Walle Mon 15-Jun-09 20:52:52

Long story so I'll keep it as short as possible.

DH's brother split from his Ex in October last year - they have a son similar in age to our daughter. Son lives with his Mum about 180 miles from us. BIL doesn't see much of son, is now with a new girl and that's a whole other story.

I have asked my nephew's mum if he'd like to stay with us in the holidays, to which she said yes. I am pleased but now concerned that BIL will be mad I set this up without speaking to him first.

What would you have done/do? I really want to see nephew and so does DD.

TripleTroubleMuffin Mon 15-Jun-09 20:54:34

Why should he be mad?

OptimistS Mon 15-Jun-09 20:57:30

Well you're definitely not being a bitch. The very worst you could be accused of is maybe being a bit insensitive towards your BIL, but if he's not making the effort with his own DS anyway, then I don't think he can reasonably take the moral highground.

In your shoes I would have spoken to BIL first, but not to request, more to respectfully inform. FWIW, I am in contact with both my Xs ex-girlfriends directly in order to maintain contact with his kids (my DCs siblings) as he has little/no contact. When we first split up I always told him about it, but these days I don't bother.

Hope that makes you feel better and good for you for not letting the relationship slide.

BitOfFun Mon 15-Jun-09 20:57:39

He's still family too, isn't he?

Eve4Walle Mon 15-Jun-09 21:04:43

Their split was very acrimonious. DHs family have obviously sided with BIL on the whole issue and ex-SIL is always being rubbished by them, which pisses me off. They say she's difficult with access but I know this isn't true.

BIL has been quite stand-offish with me and his brother, my DH, and will possibly think I'm meddling and siding with his Ex for arranging this myself.

twoclimbingboys Mon 15-Jun-09 21:29:23

You aren't being a bitch at all. Let him be stand off-ish and just continue as you are. I think you have done a really lovely thing.

mayorquimby Tue 16-Jun-09 09:40:53

well it depends, if it does possibly affect his time with his child (wether or not he's seeing his kid isn't really your call is it?) i think you should have asked him first.

i don't think you were being nitchy or malicious at all though.it's a very generous ooffer towards your nephew, but in a case where the parents are not together and the child going away will affect one of the parents access i don't think it's unreasonable for that parent to expect to be consulted.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 16-Jun-09 14:16:48

You have invited your daughter's cousin - your DH's brother's son - to stay with you over the holidays, and you think that is bitchy? It's very sweet. Your BIL's relationship woes don't even enter into it. I assume you have told your DH? What does he think?

howtotellmum Tue 16-Jun-09 15:03:10

Not bitchy at all- the only way it might be taken by your BIL is that the invite somehow means you have taken his ex's side in it- which is not the case.

Eve4Walle Tue 16-Jun-09 20:35:30

Mayor - it won't affect BIL's access as thewweek I have arranged to have my nephew follows directly on from the week BIL is having him to stay. I am collecting him from BIL's home 40 miles away and then driving the 180 miles back to his home later in the week.

BIL rang me this evening and wasn't happy - he told me he'd have liked to have been consulted first, but I can live with that critism. DH is behind me all the way though.

Eve4Walle Tue 16-Jun-09 20:36:39

Oops, lots of typos. Sorry, must be the one glass of wine!

jugglingwoman Tue 16-Jun-09 20:39:36

I think you sound like a lovely Aunt and if your BIL does have a problem with it, it's probably that's it's made him look like a lazy rubbish Dad for not making more of an effort.

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