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Do you let him go into his cave?

(21 Posts)
SerendipitousHarlot Mon 15-Jun-09 20:01:34

I have read the book. I am quite aware that he should be allowed to retreat to his cave and be left there until he's ready to come out hmm

But I have an issue with this... WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I???

I'm almost 40 - and for the life of me cannot learn to just leave it. I must have my say, no matter what it might provoke, and I can't help myself.

DH has retired to the bedroom after telling me that he's fed up and vants to be alone 8) - and I'm currently fighting the urge to go up there and start an argument.

What do you do?

FenellaFudge Mon 15-Jun-09 20:04:23

Dont know about 'the book'.
But seems a tad twisted to goad someone into an argument when they've just told you they are fed up and want to be alone.

BEAUTlFUL Mon 15-Jun-09 20:04:59

Going out is the best thing to do. It seems to let all the air out of their sails in one go. I know exactly what you mean... When DH "retreats", I can't stand the atmosphere in the house, I really can't bear it. It seems so selfish.

The best thing to do is treat him like you would an overly dramatic child who flounces off to their bedroom. Would you follow them? Nah. Would you make the most of the peace downstairs to have a long bath/ring girlfriends/watch your favourite TV/curl up with a book? Yes!

hobbgoblin Mon 15-Jun-09 20:05:33

My argument is that with the rest of the people they have to get along with they can't do the cave thing so why should I tolerate it? It is lazy to have a wobbly and then not make amends as soon as possible. It is unfair to subject the other person to silent disagreement and surely all feel better once compromise/resolution is reached and communication is resumed.

ridingjoker Mon 15-Jun-09 20:05:37

leave him in house alone with kids. tell him your cave is the shopping centre and have a nice latte as you wander aimlessly around some shops

AnarchyAunt Mon 15-Jun-09 20:08:57

I'm not sure women are allowed the luxury of a cave if I remember that sodding book corrctly [huff]

bottersnike Mon 15-Jun-09 20:10:48

From what I remember of "the book", having a wobbly and then storming off is not the same as needing cave time. Cave time is the "me" time that we all need to do wind down from the pressures of the day. Traditionally I think it was supposed to be what men needed after a day at work, but now I think it applies to all of us, not just men!
Walking away from an argument is just walking away. Cave time is deliberately tinkering in the shed for ages at the weekend

SerendipitousHarlot Mon 15-Jun-09 20:11:40

Exactly Anarchy!! I'd love the luxury, tbh. We haven't even had a row! I don't understand, and am fighting the urge to find out, even though I know it will provoke a row.

FenellaFudge Mon 15-Jun-09 20:18:08

If there's been no argument why are you expecting a row / 'fighting the urge to go up there and start an argument'?

Not trying to needle you but isn't he allowed to have down moments where he wants a bit of space? It isn't necessarily an attempt to get at you.

Or is there a problem between you that you think this relates to?

SerendipitousHarlot Mon 15-Jun-09 20:24:35

It's hard to explain Fenella. I see it as manipulative. Like he wants attention. He knows that I'll be fretting and wondering if I've done something to upset him.

Plus I suppose there is an underlying issue in a way. I work full time and he is SAHD. He's always going on about not having enough quality time together - yet when we do, he either goes fishing, or pulls this crap.

It's frustrating.

The fighting the urge thing is part of my character - like when we do have a row, I follow him from room to room shouting 'AND ANOTHER THING...' grin

FenellaFudge Mon 15-Jun-09 20:30:56

Oh well, if you beleive he's doing it to make you uncomfortable/ worried/ anxious or whatever then he's being a twat, isn't he?

I suppose the best way is to act oblivious, dont give him the attention he's after but I would also find that hard in the face of someone being so manipulative. I'd be like you and wnating to go on the offensive.

hullygully Mon 15-Jun-09 20:35:10

It's passive aggressive. I've banned sulking because it's childish. If you're upset about something, say so, whatever it is.

hullygully Mon 15-Jun-09 20:35:42

What is this cave bollocks?

SerendipitousHarlot Mon 15-Jun-09 20:44:00

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, hully. Pile o' shite grin

Servalan Mon 15-Jun-09 20:51:57

My DH is another "cave"man

I just leave him to it. Can't be arsed to engage with that sort of bollocks.

HolyGuacamole Mon 15-Jun-09 20:52:11

I'm not sure about the whole cave thing but I think I am similar in that I don't know when to shut up quite a lot of the time sometimes. And yes, I'll go "but what about this" etc etc.

Have tried to rein it in over the past couple of years because it doesn't do me any good. Nowadays I try to just say "ok" and leave it at that.....but it's hard! My H doesn't go in the huff, he is the opposite, he talks things down to the nth degree and gets all technical so we're both similar when it comes to the argy-bargy. And I agree your DH is being passive aggressive, makes you feel like you've done wrong and leaves you all stewing and wondering.....grrr!! If I were you I'd do the opposite of what he expects and ignore him completely. Go about your normal life, watch the telly, act all nonchalant etc.

Life's too short etc etc smile

OptimistS Mon 15-Jun-09 21:04:27

Is it actually passive aggressive to go off for a bit in an argument? This is something I have done when I am so mad I am fearful that I will say something I bitterly regret, so I go off for as long as it takes me to calm down and continue the discussion rationally. Isn't that healthier than staying there and thrashing things out with both of you getting steadily more heated until things have the potential to explode? I know that if I'd been followed under these circumstances I'd have seen it as an extremely aggressive move on the part of my partner. Incidentally, when I talk about having a bit of time out, I am talking minutes, maybe half an hour or so, NOT hours and hours or days on end (which constitutes a sulk).

Not saying I'm right, but just another POV...

HolyGuacamole Mon 15-Jun-09 21:35:32

I think you're right optimist. A break to cool down is fine and well.

I had an ex who used to say his thing (which was usually picking one of my millions of imperfections), then when I went to reply, he'd completely blank he, go completely silence, not make eye contact and walk away if I went into the same room. That was infuriating and majorly frustrating. So me being me (can't keep my mouth shut), I'd get madder and madder trying to make him listen to my point and all he would do was act superior and stay silent, smirking at me. Then eventually he'd mock me for going mad with frustration, all the while he'd remain calm and dignified saying "look at you, look at the state of you, you're crazy" etc. That's what I mean by passive aggressive, when it has a motive of trying to control someone else behaviour, getting a reaction.

Grrrrr.... wink

HolyGuacamole Mon 15-Jun-09 21:36:24

Sorry, my grammar sucks blush

warthog Mon 15-Jun-09 21:43:45

well either he needs time alone because he's an introvert


he's sulking

so i'd give him space. if he's sulking he'll be at it for ages. otherwise he'll come down after a bit quite cheerfully and enjoy time with you.

when my dh gets home, he spends a little time with the kids and i take 10 mins to just be on my own and unwind. if i don't get it i go bananas.

jaydulwich Mon 15-Jun-09 21:44:44

Message withdrawn

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