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Is there any future?

(14 Posts)
nothowIthoughtitwouldbe Sun 14-Jun-09 18:15:39

DH and I are not lovers. We are not friends. He goes to work, comes home, helps a little bit with the kids/house then retreats behind his computer or goes out. We don't talk. I have tried to get us talking but we don't have anything to say to each other. If I do manage to start a conversation that catches his interest then he tends to go off into a big long speech without, it seems, even recognising that I am there or engaging me in the conversation at all.

Any view I put across is frequently greeted with "that's ridiculous" sad

We disagree on one major aspect of our future together, but that is not so much the issue as his refusal to even discuss it. His say is final. If he would discuss it and at least recognise my stand on it then the issue would not seem so big.

If I look at him objectively I see him as an attractive man, but I don't feel anything.

We go for weeks without touching at all, he only touches me if he wants to have sex that day. I want us to sit together while we watch tv, I want us to touch in bed, not sleep on opposite ends of the mattress as far away as possible, I want us to talk and laugh together. I wnat us to kiss eachother, even if just a peck, and to hug on a regular basis. I want sex to be something that happens naturally between us, not something that I force myself to do whilst feeling deeply unhappy about our relationship.

I have discussed all this with him several times but he doesn't seem to take it in. The only thing he says is that he doesn't see any point in being affectionate towards me because I still won't want to have sex. He is sometimes affectionate towards me for a day or so then gets pissed off if we don't have sex and stops bothering.

I am so so unhappy and I don't know if it will ever change. How can it? I don't want us to split up, I think deep inside I do still love him even if I don't always feel that I do. I don't want our family to break up. what can we do to try to have a relationship again. We are just so distant right now and I can't see us ever being close again sad

TripleTroubleMuffin Sun 14-Jun-09 18:17:21

Have you asked him outright if he wants to split? The thought of it might shock him into trying to talk to you and remember why he married you in the first place?

2cats2many Sun 14-Jun-09 18:18:04

How long has it been like this for? Did anything happen in the past that caused this change?

nothowIthoughtitwouldbe Sun 14-Jun-09 18:38:35

I suppose it started whn we first started living together. I moved there to be with him and didn't know anyone. His parents were in the process of splitting up and he was at university and working one day a week so he was busy, but I felt v unwelcome and like he was busier than he needed to be iyswim.

It wasn't this bad then though, we have gradually got more and more distant.

I think he had PN depression after the birth of dc1(unplanned), he used to go out into the garden and drink and smoke until after he knew I was in bed. I tried to go out there and sit with him a few times but was rebuffed.

He says he doesn't want to split up, but he doesn't seem to want to put in any effort to make things work.

Is it normal to be unhappy in your relationship? Am I chasing after movie love or a closeness that doesn't really exist? Should I just accept that this is how it is going to be?

howtotellmum Sun 14-Jun-09 18:52:01

Is it normal to be unhappy in your relationship? Am I chasing after movie love or a closeness that doesn't really exist? Should I just accept that this is how it is going to be?

It might be "normal" to not have quite the relationship you dreamed of, but that's a long way from a man who just doesn't seem to care for you.

Would you consider going to Relate- either together or on your own? There is so much that couldbe going on that it's hard to know what to say- you both need to talk about what your expectations are of marriage and what you want.

You don't have to accept this situaiton- he does not seem to be considering your feelings at all.

TripleTroubleMuffin Sun 14-Jun-09 19:52:12

Of course it isn't normal to be unhappy all the time in a relationship. There are going to be times when things aren't as great but the good times should massively out-way the bad. If he isn't willing to make some changes then rethink it. You only get one life.

2cats2many Sun 14-Jun-09 19:54:09

He sounds very unhappy. Not just with you, just with life in general. I suspect you are barking up the right tree when you talk about him possibly having depression.

How much more of this can you take if he isn't going to get any help?

violethill Sun 14-Jun-09 20:11:37

I agree with the issue of depression. It sounds as though he is detached from life in general. Obviously as his partner you're bearing the brunt of that, but it doesn't make you the cause.

Is there a way you can broach your unhappiness more broadly - so that it's less focused on you feeling disatisfied with him, and more a concern that he doesn't seem to have any spark or joy or desire to rekindle things.

nothowIthoughtitwouldbe Mon 15-Jun-09 10:09:11

Thank you for the responses.

Violethill I will try that, see where it gets me.

howtotellmum I don't think he would go to couples counselling. He is very proud and would feel like I was trying to humiliate him.

2cats I don't know how much more I can take, I don't want to be this unhappy for the rest of my life.

But then again, who is to say that life on my own would be any better sad

nothowIthoughtitwouldbe Mon 15-Jun-09 11:40:11

Sorry to be needy but does anyone else have any advice or suggestions. I just don't know where to go from here

BodenGroupie Mon 15-Jun-09 12:34:37

OP, could have written your post myself even down to the "that's ridiculous" comment. Have lived like it so long it seems normal now. Please be braver than I am and take some of the good advice on here.

strawberryplanter Mon 15-Jun-09 12:34:45

I recognise a lot of what you are saying. A lot. Especially after having dc. But you can do a lot to help the situation. You can improve your marriage by changing your responses.

1. Write it all down in an email or letter and like a business mtg, find a date to discuss it and stick to it. Invite him to do the same.

2. Write down how you want him to respond to you.

3. Write down what you would like to make it sexier for you.

4. Get massage on the agenda straightaway. Give him 20 mins and request 20 mins, you could try reflexology etc too.

5. Organise a couple of hours for a walk and talk (we used to get a baby sitter just for a couple of hours to give ourselves regular together time).

6. Do small things for him which you know he'll appreciate or if you don't know ask him, likewise ask him to do little things for you, could be to hold your hand, make you a cup of tea etc.

7. Watch some comedy to lighten the atmosphere or play a board game, do a puzzle together. Anything for you to reconnect.

8. Tell him you want to help him and that you can't cope with the situation as is. Make sure you give him suggestions how to make you happy as men cannot mind read especially if they are depressed. They tend to retreat whereas we want to confront it.

9. Stick to your plan of action and if nothing works, you might have to call it a day.

Good luck!

nothowIthoughtitwouldbe Mon 15-Jun-09 12:52:09

Bodengroupie

Thank you strawberryplanter, lots of good ideas in there. I'll try to put some of them in action. I think when you are in the situation it becomes impossible to even think of ways to get out of it so I really appreciate you taking the time to list them for me.

nothowIthoughtitwouldbe Thu 18-Jun-09 16:27:25

Just wanted to thank you all again and to update you.

Things kind of came to a head yesterday when my eldest (3) asked why daddy never cuddled me and then answered the phone to him and said "you don't love mummy because you never cuddle her do you?"

When he came home he didn't even say hello to me which realy upset me but then after the children were in bed he came and sat down (didn't even turn the tv on) and we started to talk a little bit.

I don't think he would have faced the issue (would have just made small talk) but I brought it up and said we needed to talk to decide how to move forward.

We have agreed that the issue on which we differ doesn't even need to become an issue for a few years so he has agreed to try not to be so angry about the whole subject.

He says he doesn't know how we got to this stage of being so distant but accepts that it is him that has withdrawn and agreed that he probably needs to see a counsellor. He doesn't think a couples counsellor would be beneficial until after he has dealt with his own issues.

For the rest of it we talked a bit about what would make us closer and more of a couple and I then wrote down what I wanted (eg to talk to each other, to sit together in the evenings, to kiss each other hello/goodbye etc). I asked him if there was anything he wanted to add to the list and he said for me to be patient with him.

I then showed him the list and he laughed and said "but this is so basic, these are fundemental things that you do in a relationship". I said exactly, and he went quiet and then agreed we haven't been doing them. I think it shocked him to see it there in black and white because it hasn't had any impact on him when we have discussed it in the past.

So that's how we left it...and hopefully things will improve (we did kiss when he left for work this morning but it felt really awkward blush)

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