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very embarrassed about orgasm question(17 Posts)
okay I have name changed for this and am very very very embarrassed, but didnt know who else to turn to. Basically i am a married mum of one, my DH was my 4th serious boyfriend but yet I have never had an orgasm, with a partner or alone. I decided to take matters into my own hands (so to speak ) a couple of weeks ago and ordered a vibrator on lovehoney. I have tried it a couple of times, but nothing! Tonight I had a couple of glasses of wine, but still got nowhere. It seems like I get to the point just before orgasm (I think) and then everything stops. I have no history that should effect me in anyway, but am beginning to get really really down about this. Any MNetters, please help.
hmmmm....to have an orgasm, ime, you have to really "let go".....and I suppose if you are unable to do that, you may find it more difficult to achieve an orgasm....
not that that is helpful....
also, everyone has different ways of getting to an orgasm, and whilst anal sex is not for everyone, using something small, that stimulates anally could be the thing that literally carries you over, iykwim....
When you say you've tried a vibrator....do you mean a dildo-type that you insert into your vagina? Because if that's what you're doing, it's unlikely you're stimulating the clitoris. Most women need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, and some need it more directly than others.
Do you take any medication, like antidepressants or anything? That can have an effect on your ability to have an orgasm too.
Get a fantasy in your head, hit the shower and angle the head at the right place! Works for me every time
maybe you are really and its not as good as you thought (eek?)
Go to see the vagina monologues - this may clarify!
Think it's all about
- being in the mood
- being ok with it,in other words allowing yourself, giving yourself permission, knowing it's ok and normal
- tapping into your fantasies
Get into the mood, let your thoughts get down & dirty, you don't have to actually want this to happen in the real world, fantasies are often very far removed from what you'd really want to happen, and then go for it, writhe around and act the slut or whatever it takes. Make sure the clitoris is stimulated and experiment. Have fun. It's normal, it's ok and actually you owe it to yourself that this happens.
If you find that 'everything stops', you may have clitoral adhesions, where the hood has become attached to the clitoris and does not slide over it freely, this restricting any sexual response and sometimes causing actual pain.
Of course, this may not be part of your problem at all, but various sites describe the symptoms and treatment of this condition if you google 'clitoral adhesions.'
I got there before you- in both senses- search for my post ( same as yours) a couple of months or more back!
I have been married for yonks and had had a few partners previously- but only a few O's ever, and not through intercourse. I have also had a bit of a hang up about masturbation.
Anyway, on the good advice of MN I tried to play with myself...and it worked!
I think the difference for me which was the turning point was to let go mentally- I am a control freak and couldn't allow my active brain to switch off.
You have to stop making mental shopping lists, or thinking about the ironing piled up, and really "listen" to your responses, and just focus on the sensations- and not "try" to come.
Make sure you are relaxed and have't got one ear out for DH coming home etc.
It will happen, I'm sure! I also bought myself a vibrator from Emotional Bliss- it's a clitoral stimulator and looks like a fat thumb! Very un-sex-like toy. It works, but gives a completely different sensation to my hand!
I now have another problem- help!_ I can't come with my DH- I am still not relaxed enough with him and am getting very annoyed at how he can't touch me in the way I need to be touched- he tries his best and I do guide his hand, but it isn't working.....
VEM - this is going to sound weird, but try as your DH is playing with you, if you start fiddling with something, his nipple, or even a part of the bedsheet, with your hand, then you can sort of trick your brain into thinking that you are stimulating yourself. Then once it has happened a few times with him you know he can do it so you relax more about it. Or, would he be open to using toys with you?
its about letting someone else take charge and being able to let yourself go and talk tell him where to touch how to touch and just really letting yourself be in a different place fantasize about something talk dirty think of what you would love to do to him or vise versa guide him but dont stress and think its all wrong as you'll lose that feeling
first you need to know how to get your body to work how much pressure ,rhythm you need to switch your brain off and thoughts on to sexual things and practice makes perfect
if your not so comfortable with the whole thing you'll just have to keep going and stopping if you need to and make love and touch yourself at same time getting to know how your body works is best to guide someone else so just practice if he isnt doing it stop and take over and try again another time
First, orgasms do vary, not everyone has one intense explosive moment, for some women it's more drawn out
When it 'just stops' are you stopping it/ not letting it go on/ Are you 'cutting out'?
If so, why? Try going into that, what would happen if you carried on?
do you somehow think you'd lose control/ wet yourself/ explode/ make a weird face?
Nothing bad or dangerous can happen, you are safe. This is your body and YOU CANNOT GET IT WRONG
I found the trick for me was being able to stop thinking about other stuff- like my shopping or whatever.
Sometimes my brain kicks in just on the brink and it all goes pear shaped.
As I said on t'other thread. It's only happened to me once in my entire life. Years ago. And I sobbed with surprise.
Never happened again.
Have given up.
Tis all a myth.
Thanks so much for all the advice - a lot of it hit home. I am a bit control freakish and do think its probably something to do with not being able to let go. I think it is me stopping just before it happens, it gets to an almost pain like sensation and then just before I think something is going to happen I think I physically and mentally shut down. Am going to try to get into a "safe" state of mind and try again!! But very nice to know Im not completely alone!
VEM - why don't you use the vibrator when you are having sex? Would your dh like seeing you orgasm even if it means using a vibrator (I know some men feel very uncomfortable)
I think for many women we are brought up differently than men, I remember being a teenager and my male friends saying they were "going home for a soapy hand job" we were 15!!!
It is something men brag about, as girls our sexual organs aren't as apparent and lots of us aren't told that it is ok to masturbate. For boys it seems obvious to put your hand on your penis and wank, for girls it is all a bit "somewhere down there" and we can't see anything really without a bloody mirror.
It is about letting go, about allowing yourself to have fun, and feel what your body is capable of. Keep trying
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