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I want another, DH says NO ... wwyd??

(44 Posts)
ElizabethCM Sat 13-Jun-09 12:15:20

i am 29 years old and have a wonderful 10mth DD. she is a delightful, easy, gorgeous baby and DH and I love her like mad. lately i have been getting broody and talking about getting pregnant again in 2010. DH has announced he "cannot cope" with any more. though he loves DD to pieces he can't deal with "two or three" running around.

i told DH, before we were married, I would like four children. he now says "but i didn't know how stressfull they were". (our baby, btw, is not stressful in any way. she is an absolute delight).

i am now thinking of leaving DH, who i otherwise love very much. being a mother has given me more joy than i ever imagined. i would rather take my chances as a single mother ... perhaps meet a new person who wants what i want, than be in a marriage knowing i will never have another baby.

i think i know the answer but then i think of my daughter and her daddy together question whether i can tear the family apart? should i just be grateful for what we have? should i give up on other babies (can't even type that without tears in my eyes!!)

posieparker Sat 13-Jun-09 12:17:29

She's only ten months, give him a little more time. There is nothing more lovely than watching your dcs make eachother laugh!!

I can't believe you are thinking of leaving..... come on you can persuade him.

posieparker Sat 13-Jun-09 12:18:08

That was a much longer post before and not quite so insensitive.#

posieparker Sat 13-Jun-09 12:18:28

Take him to a park on a busy day.

ElizabethCM Sat 13-Jun-09 12:22:07

really posie? do you think time will do it? but what if it doesn't?? then i will be forty and miserable ... and resentful!

can they be convinced?

he seems so sure. and i loved everything about the pregnancy, the birth, the newborn times...(well ... not the 30 hour labor!)

MissisBoot Sat 13-Jun-09 12:23:50

Tis a toughie

I think your dd is still very young and it is about the 10mo time that you start to feel broody again as they start to lose their babyness.

Sometimes the impact of being a father can really hit men - I guess they are so self absorbed that it really hits them when a child is born.

You are still young enough to have time to think about having more dcs.

Don't rush into anything - maybe once your dd has turned one and you've reached that milestone then you can turnaround and say to your husband - we've done it - now can we try it again...

Don't rush into making any decisions - you say you love him, apart from his sudden change of mind around having more children - are there any external factors that may have impacted on this decision - ie did you have pnd? is his job at risk of redundancy?

To choose to be a single mother because of the reason you have given would be very shortsighted. You may fall in love with another man who doesn't want children - what would you do then?

Perhaps you could try some family therapy so that you could understand your dh's change of mind?

What do you think?

posieparker Sat 13-Jun-09 12:25:31

He still has his baby at the moment, soon she'll be a toddler and he may feel that he wants a baby again. I don't know the answer, out of my four dcs only one was planned.

Feenie Sat 13-Jun-09 12:33:24

I have exactly this dilemma - our ds is 3, and like you I loved every minute of my pregnancy and I love everything about being a mother. My dh says exactly the same as yours, and I have gone through the same thought process as you. I totally understand your feelings.

But my conclusion was different - I can't deprive ds of his father, and vice versa, for what I would consider to be my own selfish reasons, and I refuse to ruin my own enjoyment of ds's early childhood seething with resentment because I can't have any more (although it does really fuck me off if I think about it for too long when hormonal, etc).

I also a strong believer in things happening for a reason - if I am 'meant' to be a mother of more children, well, accidents do happen contraceptive wise, don't they?
<crosses fingers fervently>

notsoteenagemum Sat 13-Jun-09 12:52:15

I have been feeling exactly the same as you but about a third child op. I'm 28 and have a 9 yo dd ans 4 yo ds but really feel my family is not complete.

I think your dh probably feels like mine it's not the actual child he finds stressful it's the responsibility of being a Dad my Dh found being the sole provider very hard.

He did agree to having a second, he realised he didn't want dd to be an only child. We had to wait til he was 'ready' though which lead to a bigger gap than I would've liked.
However now he has his girl and boy he's adamant that's it.

I feel so strongly I have been considering either leaving or having an 'accident', but don't think I could bring myself to go through with either.

What gets to me most is he is fantastic with children, he's the first there when friends and relations have babies, and he has admitted that if ds was another dd he would've had another.

I think it's early days for you so don't give up so soon.

ElizabethCM Sat 13-Jun-09 13:05:40

Thanks for your responses. I guess I am being too hasty. But if I want four, and it is such a huge battle to agree on two...!!!

No other resone for wanting to leave. he is a lovely father and a wonderful supportive partner. but if i had to choose between him and another baby .......

am i b eing selfish?

skidoodle Sat 13-Jun-09 13:17:01

He's being very selfish if he's making unilateral decisions about your fertility. One is not a compromise between 1 and 4, he is just pleasing himself at the cost if your happiness.

I agree with the others - wait a little while: 10 months is still a baby and things really do settle down a lot around a year, so he may see things differently.

If you get to that stage and he is still being so pigheaded I think you will need to insist on marriage counselling to find a way past this. He needs to know how unhappy you are, and if your marriage is to be a happy one he needs to care.

Jojay Sat 13-Jun-09 13:18:58

TBH, yes, you are being selfish if you leave your DH over this.

As someone else said, do you really want to deprive your DD of growing up with her father?

And there's no guarantee that you'd meet someone else who wanted to have more kids. you could end up a single parent for ever, and for what?

Does he know how strongly you feel about this? That you are considering leaving him? He needs to understand how you're feeling. It might not change his mind but he must at least acknowledge how hard it is for you.

Ans as others have said, 10 months is quite early to be thinking about number two. I got really broody when DS1 started walking, as he wasn't a 'baby' any more. Some other milestone may hit your DH in the same way.

I know how hard it is though, I'm desperate for dc3, and DH isn't keen - yet. I'm still hoping......(and DS2 is only 7 mths so no rush yet)

You have my sympathies sad

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sat 13-Jun-09 13:23:14

No you aren't being selfish. I would be devastated if DH suddenly decided he didn't want more children. In fact I'd have an 'accident' (not forget the pill, more like get carried away and 'forget' a condom) to ensure another child. It's that important to me. As to whether I'd leave DH over it - I doubt it, but I'd be very very upset. On the plus side you are still young and so is your baby, you have plenty time to persuade him.

christiana Sat 13-Jun-09 13:32:39

Message withdrawn

SOLOisMeredithGrey Sat 13-Jun-09 13:35:16

Give it and your Dh time. You are still young enough to give it the time he may need to get broody again himself. If in a few years he still hasn't given in, then you are still young enough to make a decision. Just remember though; good men, really good men are very rare and it may be hard for you to be lucky twice in a lifetime.

skidoodle Sat 13-Jun-09 13:39:17

Bullshit, you totally can leave over this if you want to.

Your dh's intransigence could kill your relationship.

You have options, it's just way too early to be seriously thinking of leaving yet.

I think you would be mad to live your life feeling unfulfilled because your dh would make this kind of decision for you.

skidoodle Sat 13-Jun-09 13:41:58

The world is full of good men, you just have to know how to find them.

Also a man who doesn't care about his wife's unhappiness may not fall into this category.

RumourOfAHurricane Sat 13-Jun-09 13:46:46

Message withdrawn

ShowOfHands Sat 13-Jun-09 13:47:34

"He's being very selfish if he's making unilateral decisions about your fertility. One is not a compromise between 1 and 4, he is just pleasing himself at the cost if your happiness" sad

OP, I'm your dh it would seem. Just with female parts. I originally wanted a big family. Then there was dd. I love her. Big, painful, wonderful love her. I don't want more. I have PTSD following the birth and early days. The idea of more fills me with absolute dread, makes my blood run cold. DH is like you. He just says over and over 'I never wanted just one'. I don't think he would leave over it but he is unhappy with it and has told me he considers whether it makes us incompatible.

It's not as simple as he's making the decision and that makes him selfish. His feelings are entirely valid and why should anybody's feelings take precedence? You must hope that in time there is a compromise. Be open and honest.

I think with a 10 month old it's possible that things might change as others have said.

RumourOfAHurricane Sat 13-Jun-09 13:50:32

Message withdrawn

MarshaBrady Sat 13-Jun-09 13:56:01

You need to give him space. Your dd is only 10 months, so how about another year then approach the subject again.
After that if you can't agree, then go to relate, so you can feel like you haven't walked away too early.

Mutt Sat 13-Jun-09 14:00:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skidoodle Sat 13-Jun-09 14:23:15

Yes people are allowed to change their minds - he can change his mind about having more children and she can change her mind about staying in the marriage.

Women always seem to be expected to sacrifice themselves to keep marriages together with uncompromising men.

ShowofHands it is a little different to ask someone to carry and give birth to a baby against their will, so I think your female bits are very salient here.

Also I assume you at least considered his feelings in the matter an discussed it, at length probably.

I don't think the behaviour the op describes speaks well of her dh. He's not saying "not now" or "can we discuss later?", he's saying "never" that's as premature from him as broodiness is from the op.

I find the "poor men, this is all so hard on them and we must indulge them and do whTevwd they want to keep them with us" a tiny bit annoying.

Mutt Sat 13-Jun-09 14:29:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ewe Sat 13-Jun-09 14:37:07

I really think you need to give it time, my DP has only really started to be totally interested in our DD since she started walking, babbling, having her own personality etc.

Before she was 12months he loved her, of course, but I don't think he felt the adoration and fascination he feels now. I know of quite a few men who find the baby stage rather dull but from 1-2yrs when they start being people it has seemed to all fall into place.

Don't make any hard and fast decisions yet!

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