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My husband just pushed me to the ground (sorry, quite long)

(36 Posts)
KTrhubarb Sat 13-Jun-09 01:20:11

After a recent virus ds (5yrs) is playing up in the evenings and not going to sleep. At first it was because he was genuinely unwell but now, 3 weeks later, I think he just likes the extra attention, he usually sleeps really well. Tonight he kept getting out of bed and h was getting really cross, I heard him smack ds 3 or 4 times in succession so I rushed upstairs to stop him and asked him to let me put ds to bed. He refused, forced me to the ground and held me there, I had to push him away with my feet. I thought he was going to hit me but he didn't. h then put ds to bed leaving me crying.

The relationship is over and I just can't go on like this...I just don't know what to do next.

As a background to this:

My mother died in quite traumatic circumstances just a few weeks before ds was born and I really struggled with breast feeding in the early weeks after the birth. I just needed someone to love me and tell me it would be OK. As soon as ds was born h became anxious about every little detail, taking him to the Dr every 10 seconds, monitoring his every breath on the baby monitor etc. etc. h became extremely controling wanting to know exactly what I would be doing every day and requiring a blow by blow account of exactly what had happened every day. I felt like I was being interrogated and it left me feeling untrustworthy, furious and depressed. He beat me, on a few occasions when I disagreed with his views on parenting and stood up to him. As a result, I decided that I needed to go back to work just to regain some control over my life. h wasn't happy about this but at least there were parts of the my life where I wasn't answerable to him.

When ds was 18months old, h decided that he would change his job because he wanted to be closer to his family. Consequently we moved hundreds of miles away from all my family, friends and support network. I was told by h that I would not be allowed to work for at least a year. I really tried but I couldn't cope with the interrogation I got when h got home. The first question he always asked when he came home was, "has he had an accident?", then I had to account for practically every minute of the day. This included what I had fed him- I'm not allowed to give ds (any) chocolate! I don't know about anyone else but I found this absolutely bizarre as it shows a complete lack of trust. I wasn't even allowed to see the health visitor on my own. I could feel myself getting really depressed again I battled with h to let me take a job 1 day a week to allow me to hold on to my sanity. I've gradually built this up and have a job that I love 4 days per week and this is the only thing that keeps me going.

Over time h has 'taken over' more and more. He has not allowed me to put ds to bed, except on extremely rare occassions, for about 3 years. The two of them have an incredibly intense relationship and as a result I feel like an 'outsider'. I've never been allowed to be a proper mum, to be intuitive and to just get on with things. Only his opinion has ever counted and I feel so useless and I have failed my son. I have spent the last five years in mourning for what could have been.

Recently he's been going on wanting to have more children because he won't feel complete without at least two. I'd rather die than have any more and go through all that again.

blinks Sat 13-Jun-09 01:25:57

women's aid- 0808 2000 247 phoneline open 24hrs

are you both in house with DS right now?

KTrhubarb Sat 13-Jun-09 01:31:33

Yes we are both in the house. He has gone to bed. I just feel so sad...

Clwc Sat 13-Jun-09 01:35:37

Yep. Women's Aid, as blinks said. And sleep in another room tonight, unless that'll really piss him off annoy him.

LadyOfWaffle Sat 13-Jun-09 01:36:30

You cannot put up with this. The voilence is already starting on a 5 yr old... you cannot want him to go through what you have? DO you want out? ALL you need to do is make the call... don't think about anything beyond that, let someone else take the burden... people will help you. Please please ring womans aid...

blinks Sat 13-Jun-09 01:37:09

could you safely call women's aid now?

if not, could you do it tomorrow?

LadyOfWaffle Sat 13-Jun-09 01:38:23

If you are scared please call 999.

KTrhubarb Sat 13-Jun-09 01:51:41

Thanks, I can't call now as I'm worried he'll hear, but I'll try tomorrow. I don't think he'll do anything tonight. This is how it always is i.e. he does something stupid then he wants to go back to normal the next day.

I feel so mixed up about everything because he tells me that I didn't hear him smacking ds several times. He makes me feel like I'm losing my marbles and I'm sure that it did happen.

LadyOfWaffle Sat 13-Jun-09 01:57:14

Can you sneak out and use a mobile? I am worried he will 'change' your mind tomorrow... he sounds a manipulator. This isn't a one off incident - moving you away, making you think you're imagining things, violence against you and your DS... do you want to leave? {{hugs}}

blinks Sat 13-Jun-09 02:01:12

make a safe exit asap.

maybe tomorrow ask him to get something from shops for you? could you do that without him suspecting?

KTrhubarb Sat 13-Jun-09 02:02:48

I'm sure he'll hear the locks turning if I try to sneak out (they are not quiet).

I want to leave but I've really got nowhere to go and feel scared to tell anyone in real life in case they think I'm a failure too.

LadyOfWaffle Sat 13-Jun-09 02:04:58

Can any family help? Can you text a family member to come and get you? Or a few as back up? You can text quietly... YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE, you have obviously put up with this for 5 years... I don't want you to look back and think "I wish I left that night".

KTrhubarb Sat 13-Jun-09 02:14:16

I'll call my dad tomorrow and see whether we can go and stay with him for a few days while I try to think things through. It's a 6 hour drive. But agree I need to leave. I'm going nowhere in this situation. I need to re-establish a good relationship with my son.

Thanks so much for all your advice (in the middle of the night too!). I'm going to try to get some sleep now.

LadyOfWaffle Sat 13-Jun-09 02:15:46

I hope you sleep well. No matter how nice your H may seem tomorrow, please remember tonight. I hope it all goes well, you will be safe with your dad and DS x

blinks Sat 13-Jun-09 02:29:14

good luck tomorrow.

stick to your guns.

GothAnneGeddes Sat 13-Jun-09 03:22:13

Didn't just want to read and run.

I hope it all goes well. It is time to leave.

SolidGoldBrass Sat 13-Jun-09 03:36:06

Yes, leave ASAP. Call Women's Aid for immedaite help and advice. This man will not change. He thinks you are his property, and he thinks your DS is an object. There is a small but genuine risk that he will kill one or both of you eventually.

SuperBunny Sat 13-Jun-09 03:52:40

sad

Didn't want to read and not post.

Please leave.

PurpleOne Sat 13-Jun-09 04:33:42

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!

Please ring Womens Aid, and/or Refuge. They will help you.

My exp smacked my DD2 also. He wasn't their father. He lost control one day and walloped her far too hard that she flew acroos the room and he left bruising for a week.
She was 4yrs old at the time. sad

Please go and see your dad and mull over your choices...but you do know you need to do something.

Take care and keep posting x

Doyouthinktheysaurus Sat 13-Jun-09 06:55:02

I hope you get out of there ASAPsad

Take care.

BionicleBill Sat 13-Jun-09 07:31:49

Oh dear I hope you are Ok. He sounds horrid, please do call womensaid, on the number Blinks gave you last night - it won't show up on the phone billand they will tell you what the best course of action is.

I'm heartbroken to read what's been happening to you and your son sad

oliviasmama Sat 13-Jun-09 07:45:09

Organise things as soon as possible today, hard and quite frightening but you will feel like a weights been lifted from you within the first hour of that six hour drive.

Good luck.

Niftyblue Sat 13-Jun-09 07:49:31

How are you this morning ?

You really need to get out

Niftyblue Sat 13-Jun-09 07:49:46

How are you this morning ?

You really need to get out

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 13-Jun-09 08:36:16

KT

I would reiterate the other advice to leave this abusive man behind along with divorcing him. I do not say this lightly at all.
You are both in danger from him.

What you have gone through to date is abusive and you are in an abusive relationship; your H regards you and your son as his property. You have been completely controlled by this man; all that he has done to date including the incessent questions, the isolating you socially and physically from family and friends - all these are controlling behaviours.

Call your Dad - both you and your son need to go and stay with him asap. You can find another job and make a better life for both of you.

You cannot expose your son to all this any longer; it will damage him emotionally and you have been ground down by him. Please call WA as well - they can help you.

This H of yours will not change; he feels he has done nothing wrong in controlling you and the level of control he has displayed has escalated over time. He is a very dangerous man.

I would also suggest you read a copy of "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. You will find your H amongst those pages; its all about how controlling men operate.

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